T & M Productions, in conjunction with Xadium Studios and the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps
Shamelessly present…
Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt
Episode One : Chibiusa and Helios Missing! The Insanity Begins!
By Solarchos
Author’s Note : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.
It was business as usual at the home of the Suburban Senshi. Minako was her usual annoyingly perky self, humming happily as she cooked something in the kitchen for dinner. Hotaru was quietly reading “The Canterbury Tales” on the couch. Artemis was stretched out beside her, smiling contentedly as Hotaru idly scratched him behind the ears. Downstairs they could faintly hear the mad laughter of Professor Tomoe as he worked on yet another inexplicable experiment. Rei.Bot was elsewhere in the house, probably linked up to one of the computers and maintaining everyone’s favorite website. Haruka was out in the garage trying to remove a woodchuck that had gotten sucked into the carburetor of her latest sports car. Michiru was working on a new painting. Jedite was nowhere to be seen. And Dr. Xadium was still missing in Rappongi. Hotaru put down her book and sighed.
“You know,” she began, “It’s kinda boring around here without Xadium. I wish something would happen.”
“Careful what you wish for,” called out Minako as she pulled something out of the oven, “You just might forget it. Okay, dinner is served!” Artemis got up and quickly scampered over.
“Uhh, I don’t smell anything,” said Hotaru.
“Me neither,” added Artemis, “What were you cooking?”
“I cooked the biggest chicken I could find so everyone dig in!” said Minako happily as she ripped the aluminum foil off the platter and revealed her culinary creation for all to see…
…a completely raw 14-pound chicken. Everyone stared at it and sweatdropped.
“Oops!” said Minako, knocking on the side of her head and smiling, “I guess I forgot to turn on the oven. My bad!” She started laughing.
“Mina!” cried Artemis, “How could you forget something as important as that?!” Before Minako could reply, the front door opened and Jedite came inside.
“I hope you brought a pizza ‘cause dinner’s going to be late,” said Hotaru. Jedite walked into the den, holding a thickly padded envelope.
“No, it’s not a pizza,” replied the former Dark Kingdom general, “I’m not sure what this is.” Hotaru got up, walked over, and they both looked at it. It was an overnight certified mail Fed-Ex package to the “Suburban Senshi”, but there was no return address. Just then Haruka walked into the kitchen. She smelled the air, then stopped in her tracks.
“I thought dinner was cooking,” she began, “Why don’t I smell anything?” Artemis swatted Minako’s leg with a paw.
“Mihoshi here forgot to turn on the oven,” he explained. Minako smiled broadly and laughed a little, trying to look cute. Haruka noticed the Fed-Ex package Hotaru was holding.
“Well, it looks like we’re ordering out tonight,” said Haruka, “What’s that, Hotaru?” Hotaru shrugged.
“I don’t know,” she replied, “Jed brought it in. It’s addressed to us, but there’s no return address. It’s postmarked from yesterday.” Hotaru began to open it.
“DON’T!” shouted Haruka as she dropped to the floor and rolled underneath the table, “It might be a letter bomb from Nephrite! I knew he’d try something like this sooner or later!”
“Oh please,” retorted Hotaru as she ripped open the package and peered inside, “Okay, there’s a DVD box and a letter.” Everyone in the room gathered around Hotaru, curious as she began reading the letter aloud. “To the Suburban Senshi. Please enjoy the enclosed DVD movie we created for your viewing pleasure. We’re certain you’ll find our creative efforts worth your time. Our only request of you is that you ALL watch it at the same time…”
“What is it? A porno?” asked someone from behind them all. They turned around to see Prof. Tomoe standing behind them, grinning madly as usual.
“Papa, where did you come from?” asked Hotaru.
“I’ve got access to the internal cameras,” he replied, “Well secluded, I see ALL! Muahahahahahaha!” Haruka sweatdropped a little.
“Uhh, what do you mean by that?” she asked.
“Don’t worry Te’noe,” said Tomoe, “I won’t tell anyone about you and Michiru and that tub of Cool Whip. Muahahahahahaha!!” Jedite and Artemis recoiled a little and stared at Haruka.
“Papa!!” exclaimed Hotaru.
“So that’s what happened to all the Cool Whip,” said Minako. Hotaru sighed loudly and kept reading.
“Just so you know, we are the one’s responsible for the recent disappearance of Chibiusa and Helios…”
“WHAT??!!” exclaimed everyone. Hotaru continued reading.
“Again, we ask that ALL of you watch the movie in its entirety. All will be explained. Signed : M.A. of T & M Productions.”
“The spore’s missing, huh?” mused Jedite, “I really hadn’t noticed.”
“Maybe this is a snuff-film,” stated Tomoe. A few people were looking strangely at Minako.
“M.A.?” asked Haruka, “Minako Aino?” Minako shook her head.
“Not me! I don’t know anything about this.”
“I’m gonna find Michiru and Rei.Bot and get them down here,” said Artemis as he dashed upstairs. Hotaru pulled out the DVD box and examined it. The cover was a simple piece of paper upon which a VHS sticker had been affixed. Written on it in black marker was the title : SPOREHUNT.
“All right! It IS a snuff-film!” cried Jedite, “Hoody-hoo!” He and Tomoe high-fived each other.
Everyone sat in front of the huge widescreen TV that Haruka had bought a while ago…using money that was supposed to have been used for Hotaru’s birthday gift. Hotaru had received an issue of Newtype Magazine and Haruka later received a Silence Glaive in the butt. Haruka had pulled every can of beer, soda, and juice from the refrigerator, Jedite had made an emergency run to the nearest McDonald’s, and everyone else was anxiously waiting.
“The name is unknown…this “T and M Productions”…never heard of them,” intoned Rei.Bot.
“I’d like to know who this M.A. really is,” said Tomoe, “I wanna get their catalog! Muahahahahaha!” Michiru glanced at Minako.
“Can we trade places?” she asked Minako, “I’ve got a bad feeling he’s going to be laughing tonight. Often and vehemently.” Meanwhile, Haruka opened the DVD box. There were a total of four DVD’s, all marked “Sporehunt” and numbered. Taking a deep breath, she inserted the first disc and pressed “play” on the remote.
“Let’s get this party started,” she sighed.
“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Jedite and Tomoe.
“Papa…” groaned Hotaru.
STAY TUNED FOLLOWING THIS MOVIE FOR SPECIAL OFFERS!
“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Jedite and Tomoe, again. Michiru grabbed a pillow off the floor and swatted them both in the head with it.
THIS FILM HAS NOT BEEN RATED BY THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA…PRIMARILY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA OF IT’S EXISTANCE AND ARE MERELY A PUPPET RUN BY THE RICH PRODUCERS IN HOLLYWOOD…
Hotaru nodded knowingly.
“See? See? I’ve been saying that all along.”
…THIS FILM CONTAINS SCENES OF INTENSE GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, FOUL LANGUAGE, ADULT THEMES, AND SITUATIONS INVOLVING YOUNG SCHOOLGIRLS AND TENTACLE MONSTERS…
“YES!!!” shouted Haruka. Michiru quickly thwapped her upside the head.
…VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. WEAK-WILLED, SQUEAMISH BUNGHOLES LEAVE THE ROOM NOW. PARENT WATCHDOG GROUPS CAN GO F&^% THEMSELVES. NYAH-NYAH.
GOD BLESS THE FOURTH AMENDMENT.
Everyone burst out into snickers.
“Talk about blowing their nose at authority,” said Minako.
“Screw those parent watchdog groups!” called out Haruka, “Preach on!”
“Weak-willed and squeamish? Okay, Hotaru, looks like you can’t watch this. See ya,” said Jedite. Without turning around Hotaru flipped off Jedite. “Oooo! Goth-girl’s getting feisty! If Helios was here he’d be getting pretty turned on by now.”
“Yeah, but he’s not here,” replied Hotaru, “I can’t wait to see what this is all about.”
The screen went blank for a second or so, then…
THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC-SERVICE MESSAGE FROM T & M PRODUCTIONS…
Camera Point of View ( or C-Pov for short ) – frontal picture of the head and shoulders of none other than Usagi Tsukino’s smiling face.
“First of all, we must internalize the flatulation of the matter by transmitting the effervescence of the Senshisian proximity in order to further segregate the crux of my venereal infection,” explained Usagi, “Now if I may retain my fluids here for one moment I’d like to continue the redundance of my quote-unquote intestinal tract. You see, because to preclude on the issue of world domination would only circumvent, excuse me, circumcise the revelation that reflects the Anglo-disiatic symptoms, which now perpetuates the bishonens activation.” The camera slowly zoomed out, showing Usagi sitting at her desk in the middle of an empty classroom at school. The word “Detention” was prominently written on the blackboard. Miss Haruna sat at the main desk, slowly and repeatedly thudding her head against the surface of it as she slowly went insane. “Do not misinterpret the chauvanistic…”
“Give to the United Odango Scholarship Fund,” stated the female announcer, “Because a mind is a terrible thing to develop without help.” The exact same words appeared on the screen, framing Usagi’s face.
“Allow me to expose my colon once again,” stated Usagi as the camera zoomed in on her again, “The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the rectal cavity serves to be holistic, taken from the Latin word “jalapeno”…” The image froze, the camera zoomed out, and Usagi’s face was framed above the caption – Understand What the F%^$ You’re Talking About!
Everyone stared slack-jawed and face-faulting at the TV, their heads tilting slightly to the side. Faint wisps of smoke wafted from Rei.Bot’s ears.
“What the f#%$ was that?!” demanded Michiru loudly.
“Did these guys somehow invent a way to record an acid trip?” asked Artemis.
“Incontestable proof that Usagi Tsukino’s on crack!” added Haruka. Tomoe immediately burst out into mad laughter.
“People of Earth, your future Queen!” he shrieked, “Muahahahahahaha!!!” Minako reached over, grabbed one of Haruka’s beers, and proceeded to start drinking.
“I think I’m gonna need this,” she announced.
The screen went dark again for another second or so. Then pictures of eerie, dark buildings, alleyways, and deserted streets began showing. The song “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson began playing. Every so often dark images of moving people appeared, only these went your usual salarymen and kids in school uniforms that were common to Tokyo. These were pictures of scary-looking people. Some were dressed in black clothing and lurked in shadowy alleys. One person was a red-haired girl in white shorts and a long-sleeved jacket with a long broad-bladed sword and a particularly demented grin on her face. Some were dressed in white bodysuits and wore black derby hats. Some looked like Mexican wrestlers with freaky masks and facepaint. A few looked like the Crazy 88’s from “Kill Bill, Volume 1”. All of them looked like total freaks.
T & M PRODUCTIONS…IN ASSOCIATION WITH XADIUM STUDIOS AND THE SSSC…SHAMELESSLY PRESENTS…SPOREHUNT
C-Pov – a dimly-lit room that was empty apart from a few cots and some bits of trash. Lying motionless on the cots were none other than Chibi-Usa ( dressed as Sailor Chibi-Moon ), Helios in his normal human form, Zoicite, FishEye in his famous “Michelin Tireman suit”, and Minako’s much-despised mascot Nako-Nako. All of them were wearing solid metal collars.
“Nako-Nako!!” cried Minako, sobbing a little, “Why does everyone hate her so much? She’s never done anything.”
“Except be born,” grumbled Jedite.
“She just wants to bring joy and love to the world!” continued Minako, “Everyone would love her if they just gave her a chance!”
“Remember that art challenge we had on the website back in March?” said Hotaru, “I think the Internet community made their opinion known. Nako had her chance and the world said “no”.”
“God, some of those pics were vicious,” commented Tomoe, “I loved them all!”
“Chibiusa…!” called out a female voice over a concealed microphone. The voice spoke with an accent that sounded Irish or Scottish. “Wake up. Wake up, fungus!” Chibiusa and her pals slowly began to stir. “Wake!! Up!!” Chibiusa suddenly sat up with a cry, startled. She looked around fearfully at her surrounding, obviously wondering where the hell she was and why the hell she was in a crappy deserted room with Helios, Zoicite, FishEye, and Nako-Nako. Then she noticed the collars they all wore and quickly realized she was wearing one, too. The camera quickly zoomed in on her as she began feeling the collar, trying to find the lock.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” stated the voice, “They’re all locked using a rather sophisticated lock that includes both electronic and mechanical systems. You can’t pick them.” Chibiusa leapt to her feet and began saying something ( loudly by the way her mouth was moving ) but no sound could be heard.
“Look on the floor at the center of the room,” advised the voice, “On that piece of cardboard you’ll find five ear-mike radios. Put them on.” Everyone slowly made their way over and took one.
“Uhh…hello? Is this thing working?” asked Zoicite.
“Certainly,” replied the voice, “I’m hearing you just fine.”
“You f#%$ing b@$tard!!” screamed Chibiusa, “You c&%*sucking, mother-f%#$ing, chicken-s^$% son of a b#%^h!! Who the f%$# do you…??!!” A huge deafening squeal of feedback ripped through their radios, making all five of them wince painfully. Even the Suburban Senshi watching in the comfort of their den cringed a little bit.
“Ye got quite a mouth there, don’t ya, little girl?” retorted the voice, “If ye must know my name, you can just call me M.A. or just M if you’d prefer. Those ear-piece radios will allow you to talk to each other and me and you’d better start liking it because I’m you’re only hope of getting out of this alive.” FishEye burst out into tears, sobbing.
“You fiend!” he whimpered, “Why are you doing this to us? We haven’t done anything except try to enslave or exterminate the people of this planet for the greater good!” Chibiusa and Helios both sweatdropped.
“Let me put it to you this way,” stated M.A. The camera zoomed in and focused on Chibiusa. “Chibiusa Tsukino, also known as Sailor Chibi-Moon or Reeny. Despised by millions of anime fans the world over. Very few anime characters have as many anti-shrines as you do. Bounty : 30000 dollars American.” The camera focused on Helios. “Helios, alias Pegasus, alias Horse-boy. Your crimes are multiple counts of pedophilia, promoting bestiality, and trying to convince the world you’re actually a rap artist when you sing worse than Milli-Vanilli. Bounty : 24000 dollars American.” The camera moved over to Zoicite. “Zoicite, also known as Zoi-boy. You’re wanted on multiple counts of aggravated assault, energy draining without a license, and the murder of one “Maxfield Stanton”. Bounty : 12000 dollars American.”
“Now wait just a second…!” objected Zoicite, “That was Nephrite and he’s not dead, dammit!” The camera moved over to FishEye, who was smiling nervously.
“FishEye, one of the infamous Amazon Trio,” continued M.A., “You’re also wanted on multiple counts of aggravated assault, indecent exposure, conspiracy to commit bodily harm to schoolgirls, and numerous animal rights groups as well as the humane society want to talk to you. Bounty : 9000 dollars American.” FishEye frowned and flipped off the camera. There were none of those fuzzy patches to cover up his extended middle finger. The camera moved sideways, then angled down and focused on Nako-Nako, who adjusted her little cowboy hat and shifted nervously.
Back at home, everyone leaned forward a little, eager to hear what Nako-Nako was wanted for.
“Little Nako-Nako…” announced M.A.
“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.
“You’ve got more skeletons in your closet than anyone else here. So many that I dare not say them out loud. However…” There was a slight click as M.A. changed frequencies so that only she and the others could hear what was being said…much to the Suburban Senshi’s disappointment. Chibiusa, Helios, Zoicite, and FishEye, however, were all visibly shaken by what they heard, and Nako-Nako burst out into tears.
“You did that?! You sick f#%$!!!” exclaimed Chibiusa. FishEye rushed over to the corner and threw up.
“The bounty out on you is 15000 dollars American…alive,” stated M.A., “30000 dollars DEAD!”
Back at home, everyone was staring at Minako in astonishment.
“What?” asked Minako.
“What in Metallia’s name did that little freak do to warrant a “double if dead” bounty?” demanded Jedite, “I really want to know.”
“I don’t know!” retorted Minako, “The agency just introduced her to me one day. I didn’t ask any questions. I didn’t look a gift donkey in the tail to see if it was pinned on!”
“She’s one sick psycho,” intoned Rei.Bot, “A la Hannibal Lector…Pokemon fillets.” Tomoe burst out into insane laughter.
“Just to refresh your hazy memories,” continued M.A, “Some friends of mine succeeded in capturing all of you a few hours ago but I managed to convince them to let you go. Mind you, it wasn’t easy, but I figured we could have some real fun with you morons and make more money than the bounties themselves. So, you’re all getting a second chance, another roll at the dice. As far as the world’s concerned you’re all @$$holes. Whatever fans you’ve got in the real world can’t help you here. You are all alone and on your own. Chibiusa, you’ve got your fuku and underneath your cot you’ll find your Luna-ball and that stupid, worthless Pink Sugar Heart Wand.” Chibiusa quickly looked down and saw what M.A. was talking about. She quickly grabbed her wand while the Luna-ball hovered over to her. “Now, do exactly what I tell you to and I promise this’ll all be over tonight. One way, or the other.” M.A. started laughing as the only door leading into the door suddenly unlocked and swung open.
C-Pov – Chibiusa and her “friends” left the door and walked out onto a deserted street. It was nighttime, and quite a few of the streetlights weren’t working. They looked around nervously. The image suddenly changed, showing the Suburban Senshi a different location. First they saw a deserted parking lot where a few young men dressed in ragged clothes and leather jackets were loitering around.
“Right now you’re in still in Juuban,” explained M.A., “But this place changes a whole lot once the sun goes down. The word on you is out. The streets are crawling with gangs trying to cash in on all of you. Most of them are scum…just like you!”
“F^%# you, b#^%h!” shouted Chibiusa. M.A. just laughed a little.
“These guys intend to hunt all of you down, kick your asses, and turn you over for the cash…” said M.A.
“I wish I’d been told me about this!” called out Jedite, “I wanna join in!”
“Me, too,” added Haruka. Everyone stared at her. “Come on! Just think of what we could do with all that cash!” Hotaru sighed and shook her head.
“You’re hopeless,” she grumbled.
The camera did a slow pan of a pale young girl with curly dark hair and a red and purple outfit standing near the top of some stairs, then it switched back to Chibiusa and her crew.
“The real people you need to worry about are going to start hunting you before much longer,” explained M.A., “They’ve labeled themselves the SporeHunters and you’d better start getting scared right now because they’re serious opposition. Those collars you’re all wearing ( close up of the collar Zoicite was wearing ) contain military-grade GPS transponders that I’ve set to transmit for one second once every twenty minutes. They’re accurate to within twenty feet. The SporeHunters are the only ones with the receiving systems calibrated to those collars. You’ve got a fifteen minute head-start, then those collars will make their first burst transmission…and then the SporeHunters will officially be on your tails.”
“Hey, you friggin’ ho, so what’s the hitch?” called out Helios, “Is there any way to win, you sadistic b#%*h?”
“Cut the rap, Sir Shits-a-Lot,” retorted M.A., “Of course there’s a way out…”
“Dammit!!!” cried Jedite, Tomoe, and Artemis. Minako thwapped Artemis on the back of his head.
“Artemis!” she cried.
“What? Do you think I actually like that fungus?” retorted Artemis, “Do you remember some of the things she did to me?”
“But those were all accidents!” said Minako.
“Accidents my fuzzy butt! She was trying to kill me!”
“…There’s a Fed-Ex post office several miles from where you are. If you can get there you’ll be home free. If you try to leave the designated “hunting preserve” I’ll let you know in no uncertain terms. If you actually ignore me and deliberately try to cheat then I’ll activate the collars for all-frequency continuous mode. The SporeHunters will know exactly where you are and you’ll be torn to shreds like a Pokemon plushie-doll against a riding lawn-mower. So don’t cheat, okay?”
“Screw you!” said Chibiusa.
“Shut up!” retorted FishEye, “I’m too pretty to be subjected to this sort of thing. Oh! What did I do to deserve this?!”
“Kupi? Kupi-kupi?” offered Nako-Nako. Nobody knew what the hell she meant so everyone ignored her.
“I’ll try to direct you as best I can,” explained M.A., “But other than that you’re on your own. Remember, in fifteen minutes the SporeHunters will begin chasing after you. You’ve got a head start; do not waste it.” Chibiusa took a step forward and struck a pose.
“Hah! I’m not afraid! I am Sailor Chibi-Moon, the future Princess of Crystal Tokyo! I’ll kick all their @$$es and then I’ll kick yours, too! The men’ll want to become my sex-slaves and you’ll be nothing but furniture in my palace, you f#%$in’ ugly b%^#h!!”
“Hell yeah!” added Helios, “I’m gonna track you down, beat yo @$$, and make you surrender…in many different ways! Word up!” M.A. just laughed.
“I hope the SporeHunters fail to catch you,” she retorted, “I’d love to beat the everloving crap out of both of you. Anyway, are you ready? Camera…action!”
“Who the heck is this girl?” asked Michiru.
“I don’t know but I’m really starting to like her,” said Jedite.
“I hope we actually get to see that fight!” cried Tomoe, “Muahahahahahahaha!”
Chibiusa and her crew began to walk slowly down the deserted street, nervously eyeing every shadow. After a few seconds the scene faded to black. The words “Meanwhile…” appeared center screen.
C-Pov – the outside of the restaurant where Unazuki worked. Standing near the front door were Rei Hino and Usagi Tsukino. Both were wearing their school uniforms, but Usagi was also wearing a dark leather jacket and carrying a backpack.
“Mother-mother-f^$#, mother-mother-f^$%-f^$%,” sang Rei, “Motherf&^#, motherf^%$, noise noise noise! One-two! One two three four! Noise-noise-noise! Smokin’ weed, smokin’ weers, drinkin’ Coke, drinkin’ beers! Drinkin’ beers, beers, beers! Rollin’ fatties, smokin’ blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! Rollin’ blunts, and smoking…” She stopped singing as Usagi tapped her on the arm a few times and pointed at two schoolboys that were walking towards them. The two boys glanced around nervously.
“Are you the two girls selling that stuff?” asked one of the boys. Rei smiled.
“Maybe,” relied Rei, “What do you need?”
“We need two reports on American History, like right now,” said the other boy. Rei smiled and knocked on Usagi’s bookbag. Usagi opened it, revealing a whole bunch of term papers, notes, and school reports. All of them were signed by Ami Muzino : Rei and Usagi were selling Ami’s old school papers on the black market. They quickly flipped through the stacks of papers and found the section on history classes. “Cool! How much?”
“Fifteen bucks, little man, put that cash, in my hand,” rapped Rei, “If that money doesn’t show then you owe me, owe me, owe!”
“My jungle love!” sang Usagi.
“Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh!” sang both girls as they started boogying, “I think I wanna know ya, know ya…!” Rei and Usagi high-fived each other.
“What the heck are you two singing?” asked one of the boys.
“You don’t know “Jungle Love”?” asked Rei, “That song is the mad-note, kid! Written by Queen Serenity herself and handed down to the greatest band in the world : the motherf^%$ing Time!”
“You mean that band that was in that Prince movie?” asked boy #2. Usagi pointed at him and nodded.
“Purple Rain,” she said.
“That movie was so lame,” commented the boy, “Dumb American 80’s crap!” Rei and Usagi glanced at each other, then grabbed the offending kid and threw him up against the wall.
“Don’t you ever say an unkind word about the Time!” shouted Rei, pressing her face in close, “We model our whole lives around Morris Day and Jerome! I’m the smooooooth Shinto pimp-mommy loooooooves the hunkies, and Silent Usa’s my non-black female manservant! Word up!” The camera swiveled slightly as Lead Crow and Aluminum Siren, dressed in their “mafia outfits”, walked up to the door of the restaurant.
“Hey! Leave those kids alone and get the hell outta here,” snarled Lead Crow while Aluminum Siren went inside, “And just so you know the Time sucked @$$.” She went inside. The camera swung back around to face Rei and Silent Usa, both of whom looked pretty pissed off.
“You guys wanna hear something messed up about those two?” asked Rei.
C-Pov – the inside of the restaurant at one of the larger tables where a small group of people were sitting, finishing up a meal. All of the other patrons in the place were giving them a wide berth.
“What?!” demanded Haruka, “I wanna know about Crow and Siren!” Michiru glanced at her, her eyebrow twitching a little.
“Uh, what for, pray tell?” inquired Michiru, her voice thick with suspicion.
“Ssshhhh!” called out Hotaru.
The camera focused in on the first guy. They could see he was a tall young male American, Caucasian, with fair skin, coppery hair, and blue-green eyes. He wore a close-fitting dark body suit that had reinforced pads on his thighs, shoulders, and forearms, a heavy Kevlar full-torso armor vest, combat boots, and had a Kevlar combat helmet with a ballistic visor on the table before him. The image froze for a moment : the word “Solarchos” appeared on the screen. Then everything went back to normal. He was drinking the last of a glass of soda and eating a military MRE.
“Hmph,” he commented, “That was really good. I need to remember this place.”
“How can you eat that stuff?” asked the next person over from him. The camera swiveled to show someone rather famous in Tokyo : Seiya Kou, also known as Sailor Star Fighter. Seiya was in female form and wearing a dark overcoat, dark glasses, and a quiet b&$#hy attitude. The pony-tailed former idol idly stirred a cup of coffee. “Besides, how much longer are we going to wait?” A balled-up napkin bounced off Seiya’s forehead.
“Jeez, you could b&^%h about anything!” complained a tall young male American wearing army camouflage clothing. Various combat knives and a black Desert Eagle .50 AE pistol were tucked into his belt. The image froze for a moment as the caption “Wolfwood” appeared, then everything resumed. Wolfwood continued to eat his “dinner” which consisted of a Coors light and an expired bottle of Kikkoman soy sauce. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish of my tasty inebriating beverage and my lightly salted Chinese condiment.” Seiya shook her head.
“You freelancers are so weird,” she grumbled.
“What’s a freelancer?” asked the next third guy at the table. The camera swiveled to him and froze, the name “Jupiter Knight” appearing on the Sub-Sen’s TV screen. Then everything resumed. Jup.Knight was a tall, sandy-haired Westerner wearing a rather noble-looking, embroidered uniform, almost like the kind of dress uniform worn by the British Royal Marines. Slung behind his back was a sheathed katana and an even larger two-handed sword. A matched pair of laser pistols were holstered on his thighs and a combat pulse-laser rifle laid on the table.
“Freelancers are like mercenaries,” replied Solarchos, “We generally do all kinds of odd-ball jobs and dirty deeds for large amounts of cash.”
“Kinda like your mom at the end of the month when the rent’s due, huh?” retorted Seiya, smirking a little. Solarchos and Wolfwood both chucked more balled-up napkins at her in retaliation.
“Didn’t you used to drive a Ninja?” asked the second girl in the group, addressing Wolfwood. “Starcat” was a Korean girl of average height. She was dressed exactly like the witch Mimet, with the tight orange stockings, black bra top and skirt, and orange, curly hair, but unlike Mimet her eyes were dark brown and her hair was black at the roots. She wore a pair of long white ceramic elbow blades and a couple of bulging purses. “Didn’t you used to have a money-roll that could make Snoop Dog jealous?”
“I’ve evolved into something higher,” replied Wolfwood, “Of which things like motorcycles and money aren’t required. I think she’d appreciate that.”
“I presume you’re speaking of Hotaru?” asked Jup.Knight. Wolfwood nodded.
“Come on, Wolfwood,” said a young male Westerner with dirty blond hair and dark blue eyes who was wearing a Japanese schoolboy uniform. The subsequent freeze-frame identified him as “Adam”. Adam’s katana was sheathed behind his back and a long mace-and-chain identical to what Go-Go used in “Kill Bill” was on the floor by his feet. “You’ve never even met Hotaru before. All you’ve done is tap her computer and phone lines, taken surveillance photos from afar, staked out her house, and basically stalked her. How the heck do you know what she wants?”
“It’s kinda hard to explain,” replied Wolfwood as he took a swig of soy sauce, “I can tell what she’s thinking just by looking at her. It’s like a spiritual connection.”
At the Sub-Sen home, Hotaru was sweatdropping big time, her eyebrow twitching madly. Behind her Professor Tomoe was laughing maniacally.
“Tapped my…!?” stammered Hotaru, “Took photos of…!?”
“Oh, Hotaru!” said Minako, cheerfully, “You’ve finally got a fan! Not nearly as many as me, but it’s a start.”
“Quiet,” hissed Hotaru.
“Hotaru and Wolfwood sitting in a tree…” chanted Jedite, “F-U-C…”
“Shut up!!” shouted Hotaru.
“My little girl’s growing up so fast!” cried Tomoe, “Soon she’ll be dating, then kissing boys, then she’ll be starring in her first porno! Oh, I’m so happy!”
“SILENCE!!” screamed Hotaru.
“Why’s this guy going after Hotaru, anyway?” asked Michiru, “Hotaru’s just a skinny, bookworm Goth-queen. I mean, she’s hardly stalk-worthy…” Hotaru turned around to face them, her eyes glowing faintly and the symbol of Saturn glowing on her forehead. The Silence Glaive was gripped tightly in her hand.
“The next person to say anything shall feel the silence…” she warned.
“Eep!” said everyone.
“You gave up a top-of-the-line motorcycle, a big-@SS house in Los Angeles, and major mercenary contracts just for a dubious spiritual connection?” asked Solarchos as he pulled on his gloves, “Are you nuts?” Wolfwood shrugged.
“Probably,” he said.
“So what do you guys do? Really,” asked Starcat.
“Depends on who you ask,” said Solarchos, “You’ll hear everything from smuggler, gunsmith, fixer, battlemech designer, and freelance Youma hunter to I’m planning to overthrow the future world government and I’ve got enough stockpiled military hardware to personally invade Baghdad. Wolfwood kinda does the same thing. He hunts down and exterminates unnatural creatures that shouldn’t be allowed to exist.”
“What? Like Pauly Shore and Carrot Top?” asked Adam. Wolfwood nodded.
“Yup, pretty much,” he replied.
“So that’s why we’re here, huh?” asked Seiya, “We’re going hunting?” Solarchos nodded and stood up.
“Some friends of mine have organized some games tonight,” he explained, “Something we’ve all been planning and waiting for for quite some time. All the arrangements have been made. I just wish we could’ve gotten a larger group.” Jup.Knight shrugged.
“Well, Yinggirl’s kinda in hiding after that Final Fantasy / Lord of the Rings crossover she did,” he said, “She sends her regards, though.”
“Tonight we’re bringing down some seriously f^%$ed up people once and for all,” continued Solarchos, “Tonight…the pink-haired sugar-demon and her Horse-boy toy are going down.” Everyone became visibly excited.
“It’s a go?” asked Starcat, “Sporehunt start’s tonight?!” Solarchos nodded. Everyone started high-fiving each other. Just then Lead Crow and Aluminum Siren walked into the place. They quickly spotted Solarchos and the others and walked over. Crow’s and Siren’s smiles faltered a little and their eyebrows twitched as they saw Seiya. Seiya just flipped them off.
“Konichi-wa, Solarchos-san!” said Siren, “I hope you’re doing well tonight.” Meanwhile, Crow smiled and dropped a pair of car-keys on the middle of the table.
“They’re parked out back and everything’s ready to go,” said Crow, “You sure you don’t need any additional help? We’d be happy to help you.” Solarchos smiled a bit and shook his head.
“What’s out back?” asked Adam.
“Our special-purpose Sporehunting transportation,” replied Solarchos, “I managed to get a hold of some high grade military vehicles just for this.”
“I was kinda hoping to do this solo,” said Wolfwood, “You know, cruise around, do the solo sniper / ghost recon thing…take out Helios with a high-caliber sniper round to the head and all.”
Back at the Suburban Senshi’s place, Hotaru sighed.
“Oh, how I wish that could be arranged,” she groaned, “Oh, how I wish that horny bunghole could meet with a fate like that. His skull vacated of contents by a high-powered armor-piercing rifle bullet. Would that I could see Helios’ head snap backwards as the back of his head explodes like a miniature volcano venting a fine red mist interspersed with satisfyingly large chucks of bone. Would that I could be there to experience that moment of sudden crystalized terror to see the long slow fall of his lifeless body, to hear the great thump of his corpse striking the ground, breaking that awful silence…” Meanwhile, everyone was staring at Hotaru with wide eyes.
“Okay, Hotaru,” stated Jedite, “Just stop right there because I’ve heard some messed-up s#!t and you’re starting to scare ME!”
“Ahh, you’re just not drunk enough,” commented Haruka as she opened her third beer.
“Sorry, this is going to be a group operation,” continued Solarchos, “My friend was insistent about that. The bounties will be split six ways so everyone’s going to come away with some pocket change at the very least.”
“I don’t care about the money that much,” stated Jup.Knight, “All that matters is that the Spore goes down!”
“Hell yeah!” added Adam. Meanwhile, Siren reached under her coat and pulled out a bag. Placing it on the table, she opened it, revealing a pair of GPS receivers with LCD screens.
“We set them for twenty minute intervals,” she explained, “There’s a countdown timer in the corner of each display and they’re both loaded with the latest updated versions of the Tokyo streetmaps.”
“Accurate as of this morning and we got them straight from the Tokyo PD’s database, so they’re pretty accurate,” added Lead Crow, “Barring the usual urban renewal caused by rampaging EVA’s, out-of-control mechas, earthquakes, alien invasions, and rioting Puuchuu’s.” Everyone nodded knowingly. Solarchos switched on the GPS units and looked at the areas displayed.
“The red dots indicate the last known location of the targets,” explained Siren, “Right now they’re somewhere in downtown Juuban.”
“Cool, now let’s get out there and clobber that pink spore!” cried Seiya. Everyone yelled in agreement, jumped to their feet, grabbed their stuff, and proceeded to leave. Just then the two boys who’d been buying black-market school papers came in. They saw Crow and Siren and immediately burst out laughing. Crow regarded them curiously while Siren reached down, grabbed Jup.Knight’s leftover beef noodles, and started eating.
“Hey, how was the service?” called out one of the boys.
“What service?” replied Crow, a little confused.
“Yeah, what service?” asked Seiya.
“The one those two had last week at the Unitarian Church where they got married to each other!” replied the other boy.
“WHAT??!!” screamed Lead Crow. Everyone else in the restaurant immediately stopped what they were doing and stared at Crow and Siren.
“Rei said that the two of them had a Star Wars theme wedding and were dressed up like Imperial Stormtroopers,” continued boy #1, “And she said she’s the butch…” He pointed at Aluminum Siren. “…and she’s the b!^*h!” He pointed at Lead Crow.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” shrieked Michiru, tears streaming from her eyes as she and everyone else at home began screaming with laughter. Beer sprayed from Haruka’s mouth. Then she hit the floor, laughing hysterically.
“I’M THE B!^*H?!” shouted Lead Crow. Half the people in the restaurant were already on the floor laughing their butts off. The other half were about ready to join them. The SporeHunters were barely able to keep straight faces. Even Solarchos had sat back down, covering his mouth with both hands, but it was obvious by the way his shoulders were hitching that he was about to crack up. “I’M THE B!^*H?!”
“Well, if were really were gay and married, that’s kind of how I’d see it happening,” said Siren as she swallowed some noodles. Crow gave her a dirty look.
“Uh-oh, looks like the honeymoon’s over!” snickered one of the boys.
“All right, that’s it!!” shouted Crow. She snatched up Adam’s “Go-Go mace & chain”. “You b@$^@&ds are f^%$ing dead!!” The two boys ran out of the restaurant while Solarchos and Adam quickly grabbed Crow, preventing her from running after them.
Lead Crow was the first to leave the restaurant. Storming outside, she looked around, trying to find Rei and Silent Usa, but they were long gone. Siren and the SporeHunters came out a second later.
“Care packages?” asked Starcat, “I hope mine comes with cookies!”
“So what…WHAT THE…?!” cried Jup.Knight.
“Daaaaaammmmnnn!” exclaimed Haruka, “Warthogs! These guys got all the cool stuff!”
“Calm down, Haruka,” urged Minako.
“Those things got off-road suspension, ram bars, titanium armor…” Haruka started getting a crazed look in her eyes. “…Machine gun! Oh, the things I could do…!” Michiru whipped out a harisen “whack-wand” and smacked Haruka in the head with it twice.
“That’s enough out of you,” she ordered.
A loon-like squeal of delight came from Wolfwood as he dashed towards one of the Warthogs and jumped into the driver’s seat.
“Oh my god…!” he cried, “It’s so beautiful!” Adam and Seiya climbed aboard the Warthog, with Seiya getting into the side seat and Adam taking control of the machine gun with a loud cackle.
“I’ve got the other machine gun!” shouted Jup.Knight as he and Starcat rushed towards the other Warthog.
“Okay, what’s everyone got in the way of equipment?” called out Solarchos as he walked over to his Warthog and started rummaging around in the back.
“I’ve got my Desert Eagle .50-cal and a Beretta 9mm equipped with a silencer and a laser sight,” called out Wolfwood, “Plus I’ve got five clips for each, three knives, and three claymore mines.”
“I’ve got my katana,” stated Jup.Knight, “The Jupiter Sword, two Imperial Guard x-ray frequency pulse-laser pistols, a Republic-standard x-ray laser rifle, and a couple extra power cells for the pistols.”
“I’ve got a hunting knife for close-in work,” announced Seiya, “A Beretta 9mm pistol, a USP .45 just like Lara Croft used in the movies, and a Desert Eagle .50 Magnum, and some extra clips for all of ‘em.”
“I’ve got Sakura…” Adam motioned towards his katana. “My “Go-Go Migrane-Master”…” He pointed at his mace & chain. “And I’ve got a Glock-17 for back-up.”
“I’ve got all of you beat,” said Starcat, “I’ve got my Talim crescent blades from “Soul Calibur 2” and twenty…count ‘em…TWENTY Covenant plasma grenades! You know, the kind that latch onto you and don’t let go?”
“Cool!” called out Jup.Knight, “Looks like you’re the official Sporehunt supplier of plasma grenades!”
“So what are you bringing on the hunt, Solarchos?” asked Wolfwood. Solarchos smiled.
“For weapons I’ve got an M870 12-gauge shotgun with laser sights, my Ares Predator 10mm pistol with laser sights, and direct from “Halo” a UNSC MA5B assault rifle fitted with a collimator sight. All of my guns are fitted with gas-vent recoil compensators, the shotgun’s loaded with stun rounds, and the pistol’s loaded with depleted-uranium armor-piercers. I’ve also got a can of OC pepper spray, two combat knives, and three M84 flash-bang grenades. I’ve got a few other odds and ends in my equipment harness, too. For armor I’ve got my Van Saar hostile environment suit, anti-knife gloves, a Second Chance Hardcorps vest, and a combat helmet with a ballistic visor. Oh, and I’ve got six extra clips for both my pistol and rifle. For the shotgun I’ve got 56 shells on my bandoleer and an addition twelve shells in brackets attached to the stock. I’m ready to kick names and take ass!” Everyone stared at him.
“Jeez!” cried Lead Crow, “You’re just going after Chibiusa, not invading Shadow Galactica!”
“All of a sudden I feel decidedly under-equipped,” commented Starcat.
“That’s all right,” chirped Siren, “That’s what the care packages are for! The director thought you all might need some additional help so she threw some stuff together for you.” Siren went over to Solarchos and helped him pull out five duffle bags.
“Everyone take one,” said Solarchos. The other SporeHunters quickly came over and picked bags at random.
“What about you?” asked Adam.
“Don’t worry,” replied Solarchos, “I’m almost over-equipped, so I don’t need any extra help.” The camera zoomed in a little as everyone opened the bags and began examining the contents. Inside the bags were a mixture of equipment. All of the bags contained a military-style equipment harness with plenty of pouches, a flashlight, a short-range multi-frequency radio with an ear-piece receiver, a small survival pack, a roll of cufftape, a survival knife that was freshly sharpened to near “scalpel” level, fifty American dollars for expenses, and one or two other things.
Jup.Knight had gotten a light armor vest and an aluminum baseball bat. Wolfwood had also gotten some light body armor but instead of a bat he’d gotten a steel-cored police tonfa. Starcat had received an aluminum baseball bat and a dart pistol which fired tranquilizer darts. Adam cackled maniacally as he found the six flash-bang grenades that had been tucked into his web belt’s pouches. Seiya lucked out : in her bag she found a fully-loaded HK MP5 9mm submachine gun with four extra clips.
“All right!” stated Adam, “Can we keep all this stuff?” Solarchos nodded.
“Consider it a gift from the director of Sporehunt,” he stated.
“Cool! Respect mah authori-tah, Horse-boy!!” shouted Wolfwood as he whipped out his new tonfa and made a slow practice swing into Jup.Knight’s leg.
“Oh yeah! Oh yeah!” hissed Starcat as she aimed her needle pistol, “I’m gonna nail that pink be-otch right in the @$$!” She then glanced at her new bat and a deranged grin slowly spread across her face. “Heh. Heh-heh! Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat with a baseball bat! Oh yeah…!” Starcat grabbed the handle with both hands and took a practice swing, laughing evilly as she imagined it smashing into the side of Chibiusa’s head. Meanwhile, Solarchos was hooking up one of the GPS units into his Warthog while Lead Crow hooked up the other in Wolfwood’s vehicle. Solarchos finished and turned around…and facefaulted.
“What the…?!”
C-Pov – The other five SporeHunters and Siren had somehow gotten a hold of a near life-size Chibiusa doll and were viciously annihilating it, nailing it with kicks, bats, tonfas, and knives. Needless to say, the Chibiusa doll didn’t stand a chance.
“Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat with a baseball bat!” they all chanted. The lyrics, complete with a little bouncing ball to help keep the beat, appeared at the bottom of the screen.
Back in the Suburban Senshi’s den, Tomoe and Jedite were happily singing along.
“Papa!” exclaimed Hotaru.
“I can’t help it!” replied Tomoe, “It’s one of those songs that gets inside your head and doesn’t go away!”
“I’m not complaining,” retorted Jedite, “It’s the kind of song I could listen to all day!” Artemis had somehow gotten a hold of a Chibiusa plushie doll and was chewing the hell out of it. Haruka was grinning viciously, enjoying the sights. Michiru, Rei.Bot, and Minako just sweatdropped.
“You people are all psychedelic!” exclaimed Minako, “You all need serious help!”
“Okay!” shouted Wolfwood, “Let’s get this Sporehunt started!” Meanwhile, Solarchos grinned triumphantly.
“We’ve got the first signal!” he announced, “They’re all located in downtown Juuban. The Hunt is on!”
“Hoody-hoo!” shouted everyone. Solarchos, Starcat, and Jup.Knight boarded one Warthog ( which had a Ryo-ohki plushie tied to the front ram bar ). Wolfwood, Seiya, and Adam got into the other Warthog ( which had a Luna plushie tied to the front ). Ignition keys were turned, and the Warthog’s powerful engines roared to life. Adam and Jup.Knight laughed evilly as they took control of the machine guns. Starcat pulled a plasma grenade from a pouch while Seiya aimed her new SMG out the side. Siren and Crow waved and smiled happily at them all.
“Have fun and be safe!” called out Siren.
“Nail the sugar-spore for us all!” yelled Crow, “We’re all counting on you!” Solarchos waved back while Wolfwood stomped on the accelerator. His Warthog lurched forward and tore out of the parking lot, followed closely by Solarchos. Making a sharp, screeching turn that would’ve made Eudial proud, the SporeHunters sped towards the Juuban district.
The scene changed, revealing the inside of a darkened room containing dozens of TV monitors. One monitor showed the SporeHunters tearing through the streets of Tokyo towards Juuban. Another monitor showed Chibiusa and her “crew” walking slowly down a dark, deserted street. Someone began laughing in the shadows. A female form walked out into the center of the place, silhouetted against the light from the TV’s, but everyone watching could tell she had long hair and a shapely figure.
“The Sporehunt has officially begun,” she stated, “Kami-sama help them all!” She started laughing again.
M.A.’s laughter was echoed by the mad laughter of Professor Tomoe, who was practically going nuts.
“I think I’m in love!” exclaimed Tomoe.
“We haven’t even seen her yet,” retorted Haruka.
“We don’t have to!” replied Tomoe, “Don’t you believe in soul mates? She’s tall, she’s twisted, and she looks great in shadows! She’s perfect! Muahahahahahaha!” Meanwhile, Jedite was examining the DVD box closely.
“What are you looking for?” asked Michiru.
“A phone number,” replied Jedite, “Maybe this is like “American Idol” and you can phone in what you want the SporeHunters to do when they capture someone. I wanna see them put one of those flash-bang grenades down Helios’ pants!” Michiru sighed in disgust.
“That is the most stupid…” she began. She trailed off when Haruka leapt to her feet and started looking around the room. “What are you looking for?”
“The package the movie came in!” replied Haruka, “Maybe the phone number’s inside the envelope!” Hotaru flopped onto her back with a groan.
“That M-girl’s right,” she groaned, “Kami-sama help us all.”
It was the beginning of a long, loud, and demented night.
End of Part One.