T & M Productions, in association with Xadium Studios
And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps
Shamelessly Present…
Episode 2 : Chibiusa Opens the Doorway to Heck!
“Hurry up, Jedite!” shouted Haruka. A moment later there came the unmistakable sounds of a toilet flushing. Jedite sprinted into the den, nearly tripping over his pants as he zipped them back up.
“All right, I’m back!” he replied breathlessly, “C’mon, now play it! Play it! Play it!” Michiru looked at Jedite a little strangely.
“Uh, you did remember to wipe, didn’t you?” she asked him. Jedite glanced at her, then he started grinding his teeth a little.
“Aaahhh, dammit!” snapped Jedite. Tomoe and Artemis both burst out laughing.
“Come on,” urged Minako, “Hurry up and continue!” Everyone leaned in a little as Haruka continued the DVD.
C-Pov – a deserted, dimly lit street. Chibiusa was happily skipping down the middle of the street with the Lunaball and Nako-Nako following behind her. Helios, FishEye, and Zoicite were moving along the side of a building, trying to stay in the shadows.
“Hey! You stupid brat!” called out Zoicite over their radio, “What are you doing?” Chibiusa stopped and looked over at them.
“I’m just walking down the street, dumb@$$,” she retorted, “What’s your problem?”
“You’re walking out in the middle of the street like nothing’s wrong, that’s my problem!” replied Zoicite, “We’ve got these damn GPS collars, no magic, and lots of people hunting us!”
“Yeah!” added FishEye, “Are you trying to get us caught?!” Chibiusa waved them off dismissively.
“I’m Sailor Chibi-Moon. Everyone loves me. All we’ve gotta do is wait until help arrives.” Over the radio came the loud sound of muffled laughter from M.A.
“Uhh…lemme put it to you this way, Flamingo-girl,” she advised, “I think you can forget about anyone else coming to help you.”
The scene changed, showing a busy Tokyo street. Standing on the sidewalk, happily strutting around, were Annapuma and Unapuma from “Dominion Tank Police”. Both cat-girls were wearing black sports shorts, b!^*hin’-cool motorcycle jackets, and were eagerly holding up signs proclaiming “Honk if you hate Chibiusa!” as well as a picture of Chibiusa’s face.
Not surprisingly, there was a lot of honking going on.
The scene changed again, showing a slow aerial flyby of a large billboard. Questis Trepe, Tifa Lockhart, Paine, Rikkuo, and Yuna ( from Final Fantasies 7, 9, and 12 ) were nearly finished putting up a huge sign showing Chibiusa lying on her back in spreading pool of blood, her eyes glassy and vacant, her face slack, and her chest torn up from multiple gunshots wounds. The billboard’s caption boldly proclaimed : “Sporehunt. This Summer – Pink is Red.” The FF girls all waved happily as the camera flew past.
“Damn!!” yelled Tomoe, “Where the heck is all of this going on?! I wanna go there!”
“Yes, me too!” added Haruka. Michiru quickly thwapped Haruka upside her head once again. “Ow! Hey! What’d you do that for?”
“Because you’ve got “that look” on your face again,” replied Michiru.
The scene changed once again, showing a well-lit baseball field. The entire Dark Moon Clan and the Witches 5 were having a baseball game. The camera zoomed in on the pitcher’s mound where Kaorinite was preparing to pitch at Esmeraude, who was on plate.
“Since when have Esmeraude or Kaorinite ever played any kind of sports? What’s going on here?” demanded Hotaru.
“Kaorinite did so play sports,” said Jedite, “She used to play “marathon annoyance” with you every day, didn’t she?” Hotaru just grumbled.
“Kaori-kun also likes volleyball,” added Tomoe, “I love to watch her spike the ball! I just LOVE to watch the bounce! Muahahahahahaha!!” Artemis leaned over towards Minako.
“I don’t think he’s talking about volleyballs any more, is he?” asked Minako. Artemis just shook his head.
Kaorinite made the throw. The camera zoomed in on the ball…or rather, the Chibiusa plushie doll that was being used as the ball. Esmeraude swung the bat, nailing the Chibi-plushie hard, sending it flying high into the air. It flew high into the air…and was promptly torn to shreds as the rest of the DMC and the Witches 5 pulled out guns and started shooting at it. The people in the bleachers went nuts…and there was much rejoicing.
“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Jedite and Tomoe, headbanging energetically.
The scene changed back to a befuddled Chibiusa.
“How would you know if anyone’s coming to help me?” she asked into the radio.
“Oh…trust me,” replied M.A., “I know.” M.A. tried to hold back more laughter. “Anyway, you bozos better start moving faster. The SporeHunters are now officially on the move towards you.”
“What?!” demanded FishEye, “It’s been fifteen minutes already?! But I’m still such a mess!”
“Maybe if you hadn’t wasted all that time looking in that mirror we found back there we would’ve covered some more ground!” snapped Helios, “All of you Amazons were so obsessed with mirrors it’s not even funny!”
“All of you shut up!” hissed Zoicite as he pointed ahead at an abandoned bus, “I think I see something moving up ahead.” Everyone stopped moving and stared ahead. A gentle wind rustled through some of the trash on the street, but nothing else was happening.
“I thought you said you saw something moving?” asked Chibiusa. Zoicite blinked at her, confused.
“Uhh, isn’t that what you’re supposed to say in situations like this?” he asked. A moment later Zoicite was knocked onto his butt as Chibiusa flung the Lunaball at him, nailing him squarely in the face.
“YEAH!!” shouted Jedite, “Kick his @$$!”
“Is Zoicite really that dumb?” asked Hotaru. Jedite nodded.
“As dumb as Gourry from “Slayers”,” he replied. Everyone cringed.
“Oooo! That’s bad,” commented Haruka.
Chibiusa and her “friends” ( and we use the term very loosely ) continued walking towards the bus. It was parked diagonally across the road, forcing them to walk around it. Nako-Nako paused to look down at something…
“POW!!!” shouted Haruka, “Direct hit through the head from a sniper!”
“Uhh, there aren’t any snipers in this,” replied Hotaru.
“Dammit!” snapped Haruka, “I wanna see some head shots!”
“I don’t want to see any head shots,” said Michiru, “I want to see them all get blown to pieces by a laser-guided bomb!” Jedite burst out laughing.
“I’ll corrupt you, yet!” he commented.
“Kupi?” called out Nako-Nako, “Kupi-kupi?” The others came over to see what she’d found.
“A plastic bag from Wal-Mart?” demanded Zoicite, “This Pokemon-reject’s wasting our time over a plastic bag?”
“Actually,” replied M.A., “That’s a weapon. One of many you’ll need to get through this night alive.” FishEye picked it up.
“A plastic bag? How the heck are we supposed to use this as a weapon?” he asked.
“Well, figure it out quick,” replied M.A., “Because you’re going to have to start fighting soon. Further down the street you’ll see a staircase going down between tow buildings towards a basketball court. Go there.” Chibiusa and her gang ( let’s just call them the Spores ) carefully walked further down the street. It didn’t take long to find the place M.A. was talking about.
The staircase was directly ahead. Standing near the top of it was a single young lady with curly dark hair wearing a skirted red and purple outfit. She was looking down the stairs at the basketball court below. The girl crossed her arms and began tapping her foot a little.
“I just don’t understand why I have to stand here and do nothing,” she mumbled to herself.
“All right, spore-child. Listen up,” advised M.A. The Spores stopped and listened intently, eager to hear what was up. “You see that girl standing there?” Everyone nodded. “Nail her!”
Helios rushed forward at the girl, followed closely by Chibiusa. Chibiusa was dribbling the Lunaball as she ran.
“Lunaball kitty magic!” she shouted. With one last smack she bounced the Lunaball into the air. There was a puff of pink smoke as Chibiusa conjured something. She held out her hand to catch the weapon she’d created…
…an inflatable Sailor Pluto blow-up doll.
“What the f#%$…?!!” she shouted.
“Oh, FYI and all, I reprogrammed the Lunaball so whenever you use that conjure power it summons something completely at random,” stated M.A., “Just so you know!”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” With the exception of Rei.Bot all of the Suburban Senshi were once again rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter.
Helios leapt at the girl, wrapping her head up in the shopping bag. The girl immediately began struggling, driving her elbow straight into Helios’ crotch.
“Yeah!” shouted Hotaru, “Hit him! Hit him! Beat the crap outta him, girl!” Even Rei.Bot had a huge grin on her face.
Tossing aside the Sailor Pluto blow-up doll, Chibiusa grabbed the Lunaball, rushed forward, and kicked the girl right in the shin. The girl stumbled, dropped to her knees, and put herself in the perfect position for Chibiusa to rush around behind her and keep pulling the bag tight with one hand while she used the other to repeatedly smash the girl in the head with her Pink Sugar wand. A few seconds later the girl flopped to the ground, twitched a few times, and became still.
Nako-nako cautiously walked over and pulled the bag off the girl’s head, revealing a pretty, pale face, deep brown eyes that were wide open, and a dainty little mouth from which a lot of blood was trickling.
“Isn’t that Hyatt from “Excel Saga”?” asked Michiru.
“I think it is,” replied Minako, “Chibiusa killed her!”
“You b@$^@&ds!!” shouted Haruka.
“Killed by a pink-haired brat with a plastic bag and a stupid wand,” said Jedite, “Hyatt probably died of embarrassment.” Tomoe burst out laughing.
“Neo-Queen Serenity’s little girl’s all grown up!” he cried, “Soon she’ll be hunting down boys and killing them, too! If I were her father I’d be so proud! Muahahahahahaha!” Hotaru just sweatdropped.
FishEye felt for a pulse on Hyatt, but couldn’t find any.
“Oh sweet Nehelenia, I think she’s really dead!” he exclaimed.
“You mean she’s really dead?” replied Helios, “This sucks! Now we’re murderers on top of everything else!”
“Kupi?” retorted Nako-nako, cocking her head to the side a little.
“Yeah, what’s with this “we” stuff?” added Zoicite, “We were over here the whole time. Blame the stupid little brat over there.” He pointed at Chibiusa who was busy dancing around.
“Oh yeah! Oh yeah!” she chanted as she hopped around, “Give it up for the little pink-haired person over here! The slay-ah walks the earth!”
“Nicely done,” stated M.A. over the radio, “I’ll tell you the truth. I set Hyatt up to see if you bozos had what it takes to be my star actors. A little audition, if you will. Now, get to the basketball court. You’d better hurry, the SporeHunters are getting closer.” Helios and FishEye quickly picked up Hyatt’s body and tossed her into the nearest dumpster. They failed to notice her twitch some more as they closed the lid and rushed down the stairs.
“Wait! No!” shouted Tomoe, “They’re forgetting the Sailor Pluto blow-up doll!”
“Bet I know what you want for your birthday,” remarked Haruka.
“Don’t encourage him,” said Hotaru.
MEANWHILE…
The scene switched to a Tokyo street, showing the two SporeHunter Warthogs driving along. Minako suddenly straightened up a little.
“Hey, that’s Solarchos driving one of those jeep-thingies!” she exclaimed.
“Uh, yeah,” replied Jedite, “That’s already been previously established. What? Is your brain so affected by the bleaching that you’re only now figuring that out?”
“I’d recommend a prefrontal lobotomy to correct that,” offered Tomoe, “Muahahahahaha!”
“No!” shouted Minako, “It’s just that I finally remembered something. Solarchos is the guy who was ragging on be about being way too genki-genki on the website. He was the one accusing me of being an imposter. That’s him!”
“Too bad he’s not hunting you down alongside the spore,” said Jedite, “I’d pay real money to see that happen.” Minako quickly reached down the front of her shirt, whipped out a harisen “whack-wand” just like Michiru’s, and smacked Jedite upside the head several times.
Solarchos glanced down at a roadmap.
“Turn left at the next intersection,” he announced over the radio, “At this rate we’ll be there in less than five minutes.” The camera switched over to the other Warthog, showing Wolfwood, Seiya, and Adam.
“Cool,” replied Wolfwood. Seiya smiled wickedly as she checked over her new MP5.
“I still don’t understand why they call it a Warthog,” said Adam.
“Because M12 LRV is too much of a mouthful, dude,” replied Wolfwood as he turned the steering wheel and continued following Solarchos and the others.
“Yeah, but why “warthog”?” continued Adam, “I mean, it doesn’t really look like a pig or anything.”
“Say that again?” asked Seiya, frowning.
“I think these things look more like pumas then anything else,” said Adam.
“What the hell’s a puma?” asked Seiya. Wolfwood gave Seiya a weird “whatchootalkin’bout” look.
“Uh, a puma,” explained Adam, “They’re big cats like tigers.”
“You’re making that up,” replied Seiya.
“I’m telling you those are real animals!” replied Adam.
“Look…” Seiya pointed at the ram bars at the front of the vehicle. “See those two vertical bars? They look like tusks. What kind of animal has tusks?”
“A walrus,” replied Adam.
“Hey!” countered Seiya, “Stop making up animals.”
“Look, unless anyone has any more creatures,” began Wolfwood, “Mythical or otherwise to suggest as a name for a new vehicle, we’re gonna keep calling it a “Warthog”. How about it, Adam?”
“Fine by me,” replied Adam, shrugging.
“Are you sure?” retorted Seiya, “How about Bigfoot?”
“That’s okay,” said Adam.
“Unicorn?” asked Seiya.
“No, really, that’s fine,” said Adam.
“Sasquatch?” offered Seiya.
“Leprechan?” offered M.A. over the radio, listening in on everyone’s conversation, “How about a Bunyip?”
“Hey, M. Knock it off,” replied Adam, “She doesn’t need any help!”
“Phoenix!” offered Seiya. Adam just sighed.
“Hey, Seiya,” asked Wolfwood, “What’s the name of that Mexican critter that eats all the goats?”
“That would be el chupacabra,” replied Seiya.
“That’s it. Hey, Adam,” persisted Wolfwood, “El chupacabra, how about that? I like it! It’s got a ring to it.” Adam just shook his head and gave up. Meanwhile, they turned at an intersection onto another street. Wolfwood suddenly looked at something on the sidewalk. “What the…?!”
C-pov – the camera spun around to show none other than the Space Pirate Ryoko in her famous black and green dress standing on the sidewalk. Grinning happily, Ryoko was holding up a large sign which stated “SUPPORT OUR SPOREHUNTERS”. Chibiusa and Helios plushies were hanging from nooses attached to the sign. She waved at them as they drove past. Jup.Knight waved back.
“Oh yeah,” he commented, “This is so going to rock.”
“Attention all SporeHunters,” announced Solarchos, “Ready your weapons and prepare for hostile contacts. We’re almost there.”
“Oh yeah!” shouted Starcat as she gripped the plasma grenade in her hand tightly, “The pink b!^*h is gonna BURN!”
“Fire! Fire! Fire!” screamed Tomoe, as he pulled out a cigarette lighter and flicked it on.
“We don’t need Chibiusa, let her burn, yo, burn , yo!” chanted Haruka, “We don’t need Chibiusa, let her BURN!”
“Burn the spore! Burn the spore!” added Jedite, “We will cleanse the earth with fire!” Michiru, Minako, and Hotaru just stared at them strangely.
“You people are really starting to scare me,” said Minako.
“You mean they didn’t scare you before?” retorted Hotaru, “Where have you been all this time?”
C-Pov – a dark alley near the fenced-in basketball court. A little kid wearing a bright orange snowsuit with the hood pulled up around his face was walking down the alley towards an empty dumpster. Suddenly, as he walked past the dumpster, Chibiusa jumped out of the shadows and grabbed the kid around the neck.
“Hmmpph!!” he shouted, his voice muffled by his hood. He didn’t have time to say anything else before Chibiusa began smacking his head into a brick wall. Nako-Nako dashed over, bent down, and stabbed the kid in the guts with her horn ( which wasn’t that sharp to begin with, but would hurt to get poked by it ). Whipping out a long shard of broken glass, Chibiusa grabbed the kid around the neck, yanked him down, and began stabbing him over and over again in the torso. The kid’s muffled screams began to sound more like gurgles as Chibiusa stabbed him over a dozen times. She then smacked him up against the wall, grabbed the hood, and stabbed him a few more times in the face. Chibiusa then let him fall to the ground, the camera zooming in on her blood-spattered face and the mad gleam in her eyes.
“Holy crap!” exclaimed Michiru, “I think that’s Kenny from South Park!”
“Oh my god!” screamed Artemis, “She killed Kenny!”
“You b@$tards!” shouted Minako. Hotaru rushed to the kitchen sink and threw up, repulsed by the violence. Jedite frowned at her.
“You know, for the Senshi of Destruction you sure can’t handle the sight of blood too well,” he commented. In between heaves Hotaru flipped him off.
“Oh yeah! Who’s your mommy now, you punk@$$ moron!!” shouted Chibiusa.
“Damn!” commented Zoicite as he, Helios, and FishEye came out of hiding, “You really messed that kid up.”
“I’ll say,” commented M over the radio, “Just so you know, he wasn’t a gang member.” Everyone suddenly facefaulted.
“What?!” shouted Helios, “Are you saying…!?”
“Yup,” replied M, “That kid was NOT part of Sporehunt. Congrats, Chibiusa. Now you’ve graduated to manslaughter on an innocent minor! You’re moving up in the world!”
“F#%$ you, b!^*h!!” screamed Chibiusa, “You did that on purpose!” Suddenly, a ragged-looking Japanese man rushed down the alley. In the poor light they could just see the tattoos on his arm.
“Okay, that guy IS part of Sporehunt,” announced M.
“Kupi?” began Nako-Nako. She didn’t get much of a chance to say anything else as the ganger-dude kicked her hard as he charged at them, punting Nako back down the alley like a football.
“YES!!!” shouted Haruka, Tomoe, Jedite, and Michiru. They all began high-fiving each other. Minako sobbed a little.
“Poor Nako-Nako,” she moaned, “This is so cruel. M should feel ashamed of herself.” Hotaru and Artemis glanced at each other and rolled their eyes.
“Pink Sugar…Hearrrrrrrrrrt…Atta ( WHAP! )…owww…” Chibiusa was sent sprawling as the ganger-dude closed the distance, rushed over to her, and punched her squarely in the face right in the middle of her magical attack.
“YES! YES! YES!” shrieked Jedite and Haruka at the top of their lungs.
“Muahahahahahahahaha!!!” yelled Tomoe, laughing insanely. Disturbingly enough, Michiru was laughing with him.
“I know Chibiusa’s my friend and all,” commented Hotaru, “But there’s something about that scene which fills me with a deep sense of satisfaction.”
“I just want to see that Yakuza guy take that wand and shove it up her butt,” said Artemis, “That’s all I’m asking for.”
“Hey! Nobody does that to one of my hoes!!” shouted Helios. He charged at the ganger-dude, who immediately grabbed the lid off an aluminum trash can and threw it like a frisbee at Helios. Helios blocked it with his arms, but accidentally tripped over Chibiusa, who was lying on the ground staring up at all the pretty stars floating around. Sprawling out of control, Helios went straight into the ganger-dude and they both fell to the ground. Zoicite and FishEye immediately rushed over and began beating the crap out of him.
C-Pov – overhead shot of Zoicite and FishEye punching, kicking, whacking, and pummeling the heck out of him. At one point FishEye grabbed a nearby trashcan, emptied it on top of him, and proceeded to start bludgeoning him with it. A few seconds later a very messed-up Helios managed to pull himself out of the beating he was taking.
“HEY!!!” he screamed, “I’M ON YOUR SIDE, REMEMBER??!!” Zoicite and FishEye slowed down after a few more seconds and stopped. The ganger-dude was totally out of commission.
“Oops!” replied Zoicite, “Sorry! We didn’t realize you were there.”
“Yeah,” added FishEye, “You got between us and the Yakuza-dude!”
“Yeah, right!” retorted Helios, “You did that on purpose!” Zoicite and FishEye looked astounded.
“I’m shocked you’d think of us like that!” replied Zoicite, “That hurts.”
“Like hell,” snapped Helios as he tried to brush the trash and crud off his clothes, “This coming from the guy who deliberately murdered one of his own allies and tried to cover it up.” Zoicite got flustered.
“That was Nephrite and he’s not dead, dammit!” he shouted, “He faked his own death just so he could start making out with that jailbait wench Naru!” Meanwhile, Nako-Nako was staggering down the alley towards them with a huge shoeprint on her face and Chibiusa was starting to get back up.
“Pink Sugar Heaaarrrrrrrt…Attack!” Helios, Zoicite, and FishEye all stared at her in surprise as she aimed the attack straight at them.
“What the…?!” shouted FishEye. All three of them were smacked into the wall by the barrage of pink energy.
“You stupid f^$%tards!!” she screamed, “You let that @$$hole Yakuza hit me on purpose!”
“No we didn’t!!” cried Zoicite. Chibiusa quickly rushed over and kicked all three of them in the shins. All three of them began hopping up and down, wincing in from the pain in their shins.
“You’d better start doing a better job of watching out for me,” warned Chibiusa, “Or I just might NOT have sex with you!” FishEye and Zoicite immediately facefaulted.
“Uhh, you are NOT my type, kid,” stated Zoicite, “Let’s just get that straight right now.” FishEye’s response was far more direct : he grabbed the trashcan and threw up into it.
At the Sub-Sen home, Jedite was nodded enthusiastically as he watched FishEye vomit.
“Yup, I know exactly how he feels,” he commented, “In fact, I kinda feel that way every time that pink fungus even looks at me.”
“I don’t!” added Tomoe, “Muahahahahahaha!” Hotaru sighed.
“Papa, you’re starting to make ME feel sick! Chibiusa’s like nine years old.”
“No she’s not,” argued Tomoe, “She keeps going on about how she’s over nine hundred. It’s okay! She’s legal!” Hotaru just shuddered.
Meanwhile, the Spores continued to walk around the circumference of the basketball court to an open gate.
“Stop right there,” ordered M, “Now, you see that gate? Go through it into the basketball court.” Everyone glanced at each other, shrugged, and walked through. The moment the last person walked through the gate slid shut, locking them inside. Another gate on the other side of the court slid open. “All right! Now, this is what I like to call a set-up. The five of you need to beat the guy who’s coming to face you in order to continue. I wanna see some gratuitous violence and bloodshed. I wanna see some of the old ultra-violence! This guy must DIE!” From the shadows beyond the gate came a disturbingly cheerful humming.
“Who is it?” asked Helios.
“The last person you’d want to have to deal with on a night like this,” replied M, “And you’d better hurry. The SporeHunters will be here any minute!” Chibiusa took a few steps forward.
“That’s all right!” she yelled, “I’m not afraid. I’m Chibiusa, the future ruler of this crappy planet and on behalf of the Moon, I’ll punish you on behalf of ME!!” With that said, she posed, spun around, bent over, and showed off her butt in a cute display…right at the camera.
Jedite rushed into the kitchen and threw up into the sink. Tomoe was laughing hysterically. Haruka and Michiru were both cringing on the couch. Minako and Rei.Bot were both facefaulting. Hotaru and Artemis just stared at the TV screen, their heads tilting slightly.
“Enough! Enough!” shouted Haruka, “This is supposed to be entertainment, not a damn horror flick!”
“OH GOD, SHE WAS WAVING HER BUTT AT ME!!!” screamed Jedite, “My eyes are burning!” Hotaru smirked a little.
“Oh, and you were saying something about me not being able to handle a little violence, huh?” she commented.
“This isn’t violence!” shouted Jedite, “This is just SICK!”
“Yeah! Yeah!” called out Tomoe, holding up some yen bills, “That’s it, girl! Shake that moneymaker!”
Something moved in the shadows, coming towards the light of the basketball court. The Spores moved apart slightly, preparing for the fight. Then their opponent walked into the light…
The Spores all sweatdropped big time.
“Heeeeeyyyy, kids!” called out the fuzzy, man-sized, purple dinosaur, his voice cheerful and happy, “How’s it going?”
Michiru and Haruka grabbed onto each other for dear life. Artemis screamed in terror and dove underneath the couch. Hotaru recoiled in horror. Even Tomoe’s trademark red grin suddenly turned into a huge frown of fear as he recognized the purple creature.
“Oh…Kami-sama…it can’t be!” gasped Jedite. Rei.Bot tilted her head slightly.
“This is just too much…” she intoned, “Barney the sh!t-o-saurus…now we know true fear!”
FishEye screamed like a little girl as he recognized what they were now facing. He spun around and ran face-first into one of the lampposts, knocking himself to the ground in a daze.
“It’s Barney the dinosaur!” shrieked Helios, “Oh this is just f%$#ed up!” Chibiusa’s jaw dropped in surprise. Zoicite didn’t look too impressed.
“Hmph, I’ve seen scarier youmas on PGSM,” he commented, “Zoi!!” Zoicite whipped out his arm, conjuring up a huge cloud of flower petals, which swirled around Barney…
…and did absolutely nothing. Zoicite blinked in surprise.
“What the f^%# was that supposed to do?!” screamed Chibiusa, “And people say MY attacks are useless!” Barney hopped a few times, clapping his hands.
“Oh boy! That was fun! Are you here to play with me?” The Spores all shook their heads vigorously. “Oh, sure you are! We’re going to have so much fun!” With a sickening laugh, Barney charged at them and the fight was on.
Ironically, the music that began playing was “The Burly Brawl” from the “Matrix : Reloaded”.
Barney rushed at Chibiusa, punching at her with his soft, fuzzy hands. Helios, FishEye, and Helios came at him from all sides and started dog-piling him, punching him like crazy. Unfortunately, the only effect that seemed to have on the purple fiend was a strange squeaking sound that came from him every time he got punched. Barney spun around, nailing Helios squarely in the crotch with his tail. Helios made a high-pitched yelp that sounded like a squeak and slid to the ground. Barney followed up with a kick that sent Horse-boy flying backwards into the fence.
Chibiusa watched as Zoicite punched Barney in the face. Barney flipped backwards, slammed into FishEye ( knocking him off his feet ) and bounced back, head-butting Zoicite in the head. The DK general fell to the ground.
“Shimata! That really hurt!” shouted Zoicite. Chibiusa frowned, grabbed the Lunaball, and sighed.
“What the hell,” she said. She started dribbling it. “Lunaball kitty magic!” She bounced the Lunaball high into the air. Nako-Nako was also in the air as Barney slam-dunked her like a Michael Jordan.
Poof! The object the Lunaball conjured up landed in Chibiusa’s hands. She stared at it, sweatdropping and frowning big time.
“What the f^#& is this?!” she shouted, “A plastic cucumber?! What the hell am I supposed to do with this?!” Over the radio they could all hear M.A’s hysterical laughter.
“Muahahahahahahahahaha…!!!” screamed Tomoe. Even Hotaru was having a hard time keeping a straight face.
“M’s got a very perverted sense of humor,” commented Michiru.
“What the hell IS that?” asked Artemis. Minako perked up a little.
“Oh! I know what that is,” she stated, “That’s one of those ecchi dodo things, isn’t it?” Jedite smirked a little.
“And how would YOU know what one of those things is?” he asked, “Personal experience?” Minako’s face immediately turned bright red.
“She’s got one just like it in the back of her underwear drawer!” added Tomoe.
“How would you know?” asked Haruka.
“Same way I know about you and Michiru and the Cool Whip!” replied Tomoe, “I see ALL!” Minako and Michiru both whacked him simultaneously.
FishEye charged at Barney, but Barney leapt into the air. The scene froze for a moment and the camera rotated to the side, keeping Barney in the center of his “Matrix Kick”, then time resumed and FishEye was knocked back into the fence by Barney’s kick. Barney landed back on the ground, turned to face Zoicite and Helios, and assumed a karate stance, holding out his arm and moving his fingers slightly. Come on, he silently challenged them.
Just then Chibiusa’s plastic…”cucumber”…smacked him in the head. He turned to face the new threat.
“Pink Sugar Hearrrrrrrrrrt…Attack!” The pink energy wave smacked into Barney, nailing him squarely in the crotch.
“Ow!” yelped Barney, “Hey! That is not fun! I’m going to have to teach you how to play nice. Come here!” Barney started to shuffle towards her. Chibiusa tried to run, but Barney grabbed her and lifted her off the ground.
“Ahhh! What are you…?!” Suddenly, Chibiusa felt a sharp smack in her butt as Barney began to spank her. “Ahhhhhhhh!!! Help! Perverted dinosaur! Somebody help me!” Helios, FishEye, Zoicite, and Nako-Nako glanced at each other.
“If we leave her behind the rest of us might be able to escape,” said Zoicite.
“I could go for that,” replied FishEye, “Acceptable losses.”
“Don’t even think about it,” warned M.A. over the radio, “Nobody gets outta there without killing Barney.” Zoicite and FishEye both frowned.
“Dammit,” they all hissed.
“Kupi,” grumbled Nako-Nako, who looked equally displeased. They all charged at Barney, nearly knocking him over as they tackled him. It didn’t work too well. Barney punched Zoicite, knocking him backwards again. Then he kicked Chibiusa, sending her sprawling. Then a tail-bash sent Nako-Nako flying into the fence. Then Barney began to smack and pummel Helios and FishEye into the ground. Somewhere along the way Barney somehow got a hold of a long steel bar and proceeded to smack everyone around like Keanu Reeves. All seemed lost.
Suddenly, a blue-glowing spherical object roughly the size of a lemon landed on the back of Barney’s shoulder and stuck there like it was glued.
“What the…?” said Barney as he tried to grab it, “Is this for me?” FishEye and Helios took the opportunity to quickly scramble away. Barney couldn’t pull the thing off, and three seconds later the Covenant plasma grenade exploded in a huge wave of heat and blue light.
“Dammit!” snapped Starcat, “I missed Helios!”
“Hey!” shouted Wolfwood, “Horse-boy is MINE!” The rest of the SporeHunters were dashing down the stairs towards the basketball court. All of them were cackling evilly as they whipped out their weapons and rushed towards the fence. Meanwhile, Barney, who’d been blown across the basketball court, was getting back to his feet, flailing around like a chimpanzee covered in fire-ants. He was completely engulfed in flames.
“AAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Help! Kids! This sucks!” he screamed.
“Oh f^%#!!” shrieked Chibiusa, “It’s the SporeHunters! They’re here!” Meanwhile, the SporeHunters were rushing up to the fence and began aiming through the gaps in the chain-links. Solarchos and Jup.Knight were looking back and forth, first at the Spores, then at Barney, who was still freaking out and burning.
“Uhhh,” began Adam, “Who should we take out first?”
“I dunno,” replied Seiya, “Who’s worth more?” Everyone glanced at each other, then at Solarchos.
“What the hell,” he stated. All six of the SporeHunters took aim and started blasting away at Barney. Starcat threw another plasma grenade at him, the azure-glowing device attaching firmly to the base of his tail. Seiya laughed maniacally as she began firing her new gun on full auto. Wolfwood switched to his Desert Eagle and began pumping rounds into Barney.
“Don’t run!! Don’t run!!” he shrieked, “Pigs! Pigs! All of you pigs! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!” He was joined by Adam and Jup.Knight as they started laughing, too. The plasma grenade detonated, sending Barney shrieking over twenty feet into the air.
“And one to grow on!!” screamed Jup.Knight. Suddenly, the gate that was previously closed slid open.
“Okay,” announced M.A., “I’m going to officially classify that Barney is EXTREMELY dead. Get the heck outta there while the SporeHunters are still distracted!” Chibiusa ran screaming out the gate, followed closely by her Lunaball, Helios, FishEye, and Zoicite. Nako-Nako followed last, pausing at the gate to turn around and flip her tail at the SporeHunters in a cute display, winking.
Nako-Nako flinched as bullets and laser blasts began to shoot past her and explode against the ground and wall near her. A scintillating orange dot of light appeared on her chest and an instant later a shotgun blast rang out.
“Ku-piiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!” she shrieked as a 12-gauge stun shell stuck her, smacking the little critter several meters backwards into the dark alley behind her. One of the Spores quickly snatched her up and continued running for their lives.
“Direct hit!” said Solarchos, lowering his shotgun.
“Nice shot, old friend,” commented M.A. over the radio, “A few of my other friends would be rather impressed.”
“All right, we got Barney, too!” yelled Adam. He, Seiya, and Starcat all began high-fiving each other.
“Killin’ the ‘saur! Killin’ the ‘saur!” they chanted.
“Yeah, but everyone else is getting away!” retorted Wolfwood, “We’ve gotta go after them.” Jup.Knight pulled out his main sword.
“That can be arranged,” he growled as he hefted the long-bladed sword and slashed through the fence in one swing, “All right! Let’s go get ‘em!”
“Hold on,” cautioned Solarchos, “Everyone get back to the Warthogs. I know the area where that alley leads to. We’ll circle around and ambush them there.” Everyone grinned evilly.
“Cool,” said Seiya, “I like ambushes!” The SporeHunters turned and quickly dashed back up the stairs, passing by Hyatt as she pulled herself along the ground like an inchworm. Getting back into the Warthogs, they drove off down the dark Tokyo streets. The scene faded to black and new message appeared : PLEASE INSERT DISC 2.
“Those b@$tards!” screamed Minako, ”Especially that Solarchos! He hurt Nako-Nako! How dare he do that! And Barney ( sniff )! They killed Barney! He should be held up as a loveable, caring nurturer of children’s values. He didn’t deserve a fate like that! I swear if I ever run into those SporeHunters on the street I’m gonna get Kenieval on their @$$es!!”
“No, what should be done to Barney is this,” retorted Jedite, “He should be hung from a tree, gutted, shot, burned, dismembered, and run over by one of those Warthogs.”
“Yeah, so put a sock in it!” added Tomoe. He then leaned over, grabbed Minako’s harisen, and whacked her in the head with it. “Muahahahahahahaha!!!”
“That was brutal!” said Hotaru, looking even paler than usual, “But them blowing up Barney totally rocked! Killin’ the ‘saur! Killin’ the ‘saur!”
“Haruka?” said Artemis. Haruka looked down at him. Artemis was trembling slightly.
“Yeah, what?” she asked. Artemis stared up at her, his fur standing up all over his body.
“Put on disc two!” he cried, “Put on disc two! For the love of Belldandy, PUT ON DISC TWO!!!” Michiru jabbed Haruka in the side.
“What are you waiting for?!” she demanded, “Put on the second disc!!”
“HELL YEAH!!” shouted Haruka as she dove for the DVD player. She couldn’t change out the discs fast enough.
End of Part Two