T & M Productions, in association with Xadium Studios
And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps
Shamelessly Presents…
Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt
Episode 3 : Pink Trash
Usual legal stuff : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.
Inside the home of the Suburban Senshi, the scene was one of frantic activity. Haruka slammed the front door behind her as she rushed into the house carrying shopping bags filled with snacks and munchies. There was a loud thump and a muffled cry as the door slammed shut…right in Michiru’s face. Hotaru quickly dashed over and opened it again, revealing a pissed-off Michiru carrying several bags of take-out from McDonalds in both hands and a red lump on her forehead.
“Haruka!” cried Michiru, “You bunghole!” Hotaru sighed as she let her in while Haruka was busy emptying the bags near the TV. A moment later Artemis dashed into the room after using the litterbox, Tomoe and Minako rushed back from the bathroom, Jedite took the phone off the hook, and everyone settled in on the couch as Rei.Bot inserted Disc 2 of Sporehunt. Tomoe burst out into laughter as Haruka pressed “play”.
The room became completely silent as the DVD began running.
THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED BY T & M PRODUCTIONS…
“In the name of Metallia, please don’t let it be the meatball-head again!” begged Jedite.
Dramatic music began playing. The scene showed the Moon Princess and Prince Endymion standing on a balcony. Then hordes of Dark Kingdom soldiers began swarming towards the Moon Kingdom.
“In an age of darkness…” said the announcer. A sad Queen Serenity looked down at the crescent moon wand.
“My god have mercy on your souls,” she stated. The next scene showed Rei performing a fire reading, wind blowing through her hair.
“Something’s wrong!” she called out, “Something’s amiss!”
“And a time of evil…” said the announcer. The scene switched to show Chibiusa’s smiling face.
“You shall die!!” she screamed.
“When the world needed a hero…” said the announcer. The scene showed several different images of Tuxedo Kamen, the Moonlight Night, and Heero from “Gundam Wing”.
Alarmed Sailor Mercury : “They’ll swallow our souls!”
Panicking Iron Mouse : “I ain’t about to die!”
“What it got…” said the announcer again as pictures of the various Senshi flashed by. Then it showed a close-up picture of Umino…in the dress and makeup that Naru made him wear way back in the first season. “…was him.”
Umino : “Groovy.” Heavy metal guitar music began playing. The next scene showed Umino in class leaning in towards Usagi.
Umino : “You know, your shoelace is untied.” The next scene showed Umino flipping up Miss Haruna’s skirt. A moment later there was a loud whack as Umino was sent flying backwards.
“He’s a 20th Century guy…” said the announcer.
Angry Miss Haruna : “For that arrogance…” Umino screamed silently in terror. “…I shall see you dead.”
“Trapped…” said the announcer. A moment later there was a loud *blang* and the scene showed Miss Haruna hitting the ground, fast asleep and snoring. “…in the Middle Ages.”
Tuxedo Umino : “All right, you primitive screwheads. Listen up! This…” Close-up of one of those mallets with the squeaky plastic accordion heads. “…is my BOOMSTICK! Now…” Umino talking to an embarrassed-looking Naru. “…let’s talk about how I get back home.”
Announcer : “Foretold by a mystical book…” The scene showed Usagi flipping through Rei’s manga collection.
Studious-looking Ami : “Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time.”
Announcer : “Forewarned by a wise man…” The scene showed Rei praying in front of the Sacred Flame.
Rei : “You must recite the words “klaatu verata nicktuu”.”
Exasperated Umino : “I got it! I got it!”
Announcer : “Fulfilled…” Umino gets up on stage in the dress and makeup and starts posing. “…by a wise guy.”
Extreme close-up of Umino’s face : “Klaatu…verata…ni-hoo-hoo-hoo!”
Pissed-off Rei : “When you misspoke the words…!” The next few scenes showed youmas appearing, the Bon-Bon Baddies unfolding, and several people turning into phages. “…the army of the dead awoke!”
Announcer : “Now he’s got a date…” The scene showed Umino and Naru standing close to each other.
Umino : “Gimme some sugar, baby!” The next scene showed the monster of the day attacking.
Panicking Naru : “Help me!”
Alarmed Tuxedo Umino : “Sheila!”
Announcer : “…with the Army of Darkness!” The scene showed a horde of Pokemon charging at the camera.
Nephrite-possessed Naru : “You found me beautiful once.”
Umino : “Honey…you got real ugly.” With a scream, Possessed-Naru attacks.
Announcer : “Sound the trumpets…” Usagi whistles, but there’s the sound of trumpets blowing. “Raise the drawbridge…” Sailor Jupiter throws an attack that blows a set of doors apart. “Drop…the Oldsmobile.” Eudial panics as her car flies off the road and falls into the ocean. “From Sam Raimi…” Close-up of Gendo Ikari from “Evangelion” The next picture showed Mamoru getting thrown against the side of that boat in the R movie.
Cringing Umino : “Ooooo! That’s gotta hurt!”
Announcer : “…director of Darkman…comes…” A picture of the shadowy, smiling face of Professor Tomoe.
Announcer : “Army of Darkness! They live…” Various scenes of the Senshi trying to fight the monsters of the day…and getting tossed around. “They breathe…” Picture of the Esmeraude-dragon breathing fire. The final scene showed various Daimons sucking the heart-crystals out of various bystanders. “They SUCK!” The last scene showed the usual movie credits for “Sailor Moon : Army of Darkness”. Coming soon to a theater near you…maybe.
“The hell…?!” cried Michiru. Tomoe burst out laughing.
“The Pokemon ARE the Army of Darkness!” he shouted, “This proves it! Gotta kill them all!”
“That’s it,” stated Jedite, pointing at the TV screen, “I want the T&M catalog, dammit! I wanna be a subscriber!”
“At least it wasn’t another brain-twisting intellectual statement from Usagi,” commented Hotaru, “By the way, I’m definitely making a donation to the Odango Scholarship Fund.”
“Because Usagi’s mind is a terrible thing to develop without help,” said Artemis.
“No, because Usagi’s mind is a terrible thing, PERIOD!” added Haruka. Meanwhile, the screen went dark for a couple of seconds.
AND NOW, CONTINUING WITH OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION…
“HELL YEAH!” shouted Tomoe, Jedite, Hotaru, and Haruka. High-fives were made all around. The scene showed a poorly-lit construction area where a bunch of guys were hanging around, acting rowdy, drinking lots of alcohol and getting seriously drunk. All of them were white American males, some of them were wearing what looked like hockey masks, none of them had any hair and none of them looked too bright. The rowdiness died down as someone else wandered up to their little gathering. A couple of the Americans staggered to their feet and approached the new person. The camera spun around a little, revealing that the new person was, in fact, a tiger-striped Velociraptor.
“The hell…?!” yelled Hotaru, “What is this?! Jurassic Park?!”
“Awww!” cried Minako, smiling, “Look at the cute dinosaur! That thing looks way cuter than Barney…”
WHAP! One of the Americans tried to punch the Velociraptor, but missed as the Raptor jumped in the air, spun around, and laid a roundhouse kick to the guy that sent him flying back over ten feet. The Raptor then leapt into the air and landed right on top of the offending guy. It then grabbed the human by the throat, picked him up off the ground, then pressed its snout right into his face and bared inch-long fangs. The camera panned down to show the large wet patch that was spreading inside the American’s jeans. The Raptor dropped him to the ground and stepped away.
“You were saying something about that thing being cute?” retorted Jedite.
“At least it’s not as sickeningly disgusting as Barney,” said Michiru.
“I bet that guy always wets himself perfectly,” commented Haruka.
“Okay, dumb@$$es,” yelled the Raptor, speaking in a voice that sounded a lot like Cheech Marin ( complete with Mexican accent ), “The nice lady that’s paying you all wants to see some mucho carnage. Try not to disappoint her. You know who you’re supposed to find. Now go out and find them!” The humans all tried to cheer ( a little; a few of them threw up instead ) and began to slowly walk away. The Raptor watched them go and shook his head.
“Man, where does she get these guys from?” he sighed.
“Those guys are, like, so dead,” said Artemis. Jedite and Rei.Bot nodded.
“What the hell are white supremacists from the southern United States doing in Japan?!” demanded Michiru, “Why on earth would they want to come here?!”
“Sporehunting’s an equal opportunity pastime!” replied Tomoe.
“That one guy was projectile vomiting for five seconds!” stated Hotaru, “How much stuff were they drinking?”
“Too much,” replied Haruka, “They shouldn’t drink and hunt spores.”
“I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the concept of a Velociraptor that speaks with the voice of Cheech Marin,” said Minako, “That’s just so…off!”
The scene changed, showing the Spores hiding out in a darkened park. FishEye was looking around nervously while everyone else was gathered around a very bedraggled-looking Nako-Nako.
“Nako-Nako!” exclaimed Minako, happily, “She’s all right!”
“Dammit!” snapped Jedite, “She’s still alive. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!”
“Kupi…” moaned Nako-Nako, cringing from the pain, “Kupi ku-piii…”
“Well, of course it hurts, you idiot,” stated M.A over the radio, “You got shot with a 12-gauge soft-rubber slug-shell. It’s supposed to hurt like an M-F’er! Getting hit with a regular solid slug would hurt a lot less but that would kill you.”
“Well, don’t you worry, my little hottie,” stated Helios, “I’ll carry you ‘til we can hit the sack, baby!” Nako-Nako looked at him, and shuddered. Zoicite gagged.
“Jeez, you really do suck,” he commented, “I think you need serious treatment to cure yourself of this delusion that you’re a rap star.” Helios spun around to face him.
“Hey! F&$% you!” he shouted, “At least I didn’t get my ass kicked by Barney the purple dinosaur back there!”
“What are you talking about?” demanded FishEye, “We ALL got our @$$es kicked by Barney! Talk about pathetic…!” Suddenly, a short, shrill beep came from their collars.
“The collars just transmitted,” said M.A., “The SporeHunters have your position again…and they’re not going to give up any time soon.” Chibiusa grumbled and grabbed the Lunaball again.
“Lunaball kitty magic!” she cried as she dribbled the thing. There came another puff of pink smoke, and she held up her hands to receive… “A box of powdered donuts?! What the hell?!”
“Cool!” shouted Zoicite. He snatched the box and quickly began eating a few. Helios, FishEye, and Nako-Nako ( who perked up immediately ) jumped in and grabbed one or two for themselves. “Finally! You actually conjured up something useful!”
“For once,” commented Michiru. Haruka nodded.
“Spore-child’s usually nothing more than a liability most of the time,” added Jedite.
“I want donuts!” called out Tomoe, “And that Sailor Pluto blow-up doll! Muahahahahahahaha!” Hotaru sweatdropped.
“Again with the blow-up doll…” she grumbled.
Chibiusa fiddled with the Lunaball, pressing the button on the nose and flipping open a lid in the back.
“What the f#%^ are you doing?!” demanded Zoicite, “We don’t have time for that!” Nako-Nako moaned loudly in the background. “Oh, shut up!” Zoicite snapped at Nako-Nako, “Nobody cares!”
“I’m trying to see if I can fix this dumb thing,” replied Chibiusa as she continued to fiddle around with the Lunaball’s internal workings.
“Warning,” announced the Lunaball, speaking with a British female voice, “System error. Primary programming altered. Initiating level-one diagnostic of core systems…”
“We really don’t have time for this…” moaned Helios as he scanned the park nervously. Somewhere in the distance there was the sound of screeching tires.
“If I can get this stupid thing working right, we can use its automatic defense system to help us out of this mess,” explained Chibiusa.
“…U-S-D-A selected…” stated the Lunaball.
“That thing has a defense system?” asked FishEye.
“…F-D-I-C approved…” continued the Lunaball.
“Of course!” replied Chibiusa, “After I came back from my first trip to the past there were a lot of people in Crystal Tokyo who were always after me. At first I thought they were fans and admirers but instead they wanted to beat me up! More and more of them kept showing up so mommy and daddy installed a defense system into this thing to protect me. My daddy loves me so much!”
Hotaru gulped uncomfortably.
“If she starts going on about how she wants to scronk her dad I’m going to get sick right here,” she commented.
“But you’re her friend,” retorted Minako, “I thought you two always saw cheek to cheek on everything.” Hotaru’s eyebrow twitched a little.
“That’s “eye to eye”,” she corrected, “And, sorry, but I will never lust after my own father.”
“That’s not what Mistress Nine said!” said Tomoe. Hotaru grabbed a handful of potato chips and threw them at her father’s face.
“…level one diagnostic complete…S-O-B…” stated the Lunaball, “Virus detected. Running MS-Windows 3000 antivirus program. Estimated time to completion: 28 hours, 5 minutes. Day-see, Day-see, give me your answer do…”
“Say WHAT?!!” shouted Zoicite and FishEye.
“Wow,” commented Helios, “Even in the future, Microsoft still sucks.”
“You know, I might be inclined to help you out,” said M.A. over the radio, “I’ll uplink to the Lunaball, eliminate the virus, and restore most of its functions to you, but…”
“But…?” replied everyone else. They all looked apprehensive to say the least.
“She demands the blood sacrifice of Chibiusa?” asked Haruka.
“I’ll go for that!” said Michiru, “Hell, I’ll hold her down for them if they let me.”
“No, she demands that they fire up the grill and barbecue that little sh!t Nako-Nako!” called out Jedite.
“Yum!” cried Tomoe. Minako turned around to face them.
“I’m shocked!” she retorted, “How could you say something like that about her? How could you be so cruel?”
“What do you want from us?!” cried Jedite and Tomoe simultaneously, “We’re evil! EVIL!!”
“Something new has come up,” explained M.A., “You have an objective to accomplish. Some of my friends captured someone and they convinced me to have her join your group as a new member. Your job is to find and release her.”
“What?” demanded Chibiusa, “Screw you! Our job was to get outta here, not run your stupid errands!” Suddenly, the Lunaball popped up into the air, a siren and flashing red lights began blaring, a lid flipped open, and the barrel of some kind of weapon popped out.
“Ex-terminate! Ex-terminate!” it warbled loudly. Zoicite dove for cover in some bushes, FishEye ran like hell for the nearest tree, Nako-Nako jumped inside a trash bin, and Helios grabbed Chibiusa and slapped his hand over her mouth.
“All right! All right! We’ll do it!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. The Lunaball immediately became quiet and retracted its weapons.
“I knew you’d see it my way,” replied M.A. The Lunaball suddenly jerked, fell to the ground, and started rolling around. “There. I’ve cancelled the virus program and restored most of its functions to your command.” Chibiusa quickly grabbed it.
“Lunaball kitty magic!” she yelled as she dribbled it, “Make me a f#%$ing gun!” The Lunaball bounced high in the air, poofed into a large pink cloud, and into Chibiusa’s hands fell…
…another blow-up doll…of Sailor Venus.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” screamed everyone at the Suburban Senshi homestead as they all hit the floor once again, laughing hysterically. Except for Minako who was making a record-breaking facefault.
“What the…?!!” she stammered, “How the…?!! What?!! What?!! That’s a…?!? Who…??!!”
“All right!” shouted Jedite, “Life-sized, too!”
“Keep that thing away from Dr. Xadium!” called out Haruka, “He’ll go nuts!”
“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!! I’m gonna kill that M.A.!!!” screamed Minako.
“Again??!!” screamed Chibiusa, “I thought you said you’d return control of the Lunaball to me!”
“I said I’d return MOST of its functions to you,” retorted M.A, giggling, “Not ALL of them. That screwed-up conjuring program’s now a permanent feature. Look on the bright side. You’d be a big hit at parties conjuring up all sorts of freaky things! That might actually raise your popularity a little!”
“That’s never going to happen!” called out Jedite.
“Screw you, you lying b@$tard!” shouted Chibiusa.
“So where’s this new person for our team?” asked FishEye, trying to change the subject.
“Go across the park in the direction of the Tokyo Tower,” explained M.A, “You’ll eventually come across a big construction area. Go in there. Your new friend’s currently locked up in a shed. Be warned, though. You’re soon going to be facing tougher opponents as well as a few more SporeHunters.”
“Tougher opponents?” remarked Helios, “So far we’ve faced one Yakuza, a girl, a little kid in an orange snowsuit, and Barney the buttf&%#er. So far, there hasn’t been much opposition.”
“Opposition?!” snapped Zoicite, “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the ones with the automatic weapons and grenades that are tracking these GPS collars!!” Helios winked and smiled.
“Oh, I haven’t forgotten about them,” he stated, “I’m not worried about them at all. In fact…” He reached over and pulled Chibiusa over to his side. “We’ve got a plan in the works.”
“You do?” asked FishEye and Zoicite.
“We do?” asked Chibiusa.
“They do?” asked everyone back at the Suburban Senshi’s den.
“Yeah right,” retorted Haruka, “Horse-boy doesn’t have crap.”
“Actually, the only crap he’s got is what’ll be all over the inside of his pants when the SporeHunters catch him,” said Hotaru, “Oh, how I want to see an extreme close-up of that! Along with an instant replay.”
The Spores moved through the dark park, creeping from shadow to shadow. Nako-Nako rummaged around inside another trash can and pulled out an empty sake bottle. Zoicite quickly snatched it.
“Gimme that!” he snapped, “Maybe there’s some left!” He upended the bottle into his mouth.
“What are you doing?” demanded Helios. Zoicite frowned.
“Crap,” he replied, “There’s nothing left. Right now I am seriously in the need of a hard drink. I’d even take some of Nephrite’s lemonade.”
“Dumb@$$,” retorted Chibiusa, “Lemonade’s not alcoholic.”
“Not Nephrite’s,” corrected Zoicite, “He uses vodka, not water.” Just then a Japanese male carrying a sheathed katana and wearing a dark suit and a Kato mask came around a large bush. Since the Spores were lurking in the shadow he didn’t see them until he was almost right on top of them.
“Whoa!” called out Jedite, “It’s one of the Crazy 88’s from “Kill Bill”!”
“All right!” replied Haruka, “That means we’re gonna see some seriously excessive violence soon! Right on!”
“Not to mention blood squirting like geysers,” remarked Hotaru. Haruka tossed a potato chip at her.
“Hey! Don’t spoil it for us!”
The Crazy 88 suddenly stopped and jumped a little as he suddenly caught sight of the Spores.
“What the…?!” he yelped. He suddenly started screaming like a schoolgirl as Zoicite threw the sake bottle into his face. As the Crazy 88 stood there, screaming shrilly and clutching his face, he dropped the katana. With a deranged battlecry, Helios grabbed the katana off the ground, whipped it out of its scabbard, posed for a moment ( while the Crazy 88 kept on standing there, flailing his arms a little and screaming ), then stabbed him through the chest.
C-Pov – a short distance away from the Spores and the lone Crazy 88. Helios stabbed the 88 through the chest. P-TOMPH!!! The whole area turned red. The image cleared after a second, revealing the entire area was now gleaming wetly in the dim light, the Crazy 88’s lower body toppled to the ground, the upper half of his body was just GONE, and the Spores were standing still with bizarrely-perplexed expressions on their faces.
“HELL YEAH!!!” shouted Jedite, Tomoe, and Haruka, headbanging.
“What the f^%$ just happened?!” shrieked Chibiusa, “That f^%$er just EXPLODED!!”
“All I did was stab him…!” exclaimed Helios. FishEye let out a distressed cry.
“Oh my goddess! My hair’s a mess!” he screamed.
“Dude, he EXPLODED!!” shouted Zoicite, “What the hell kinda psycho explodes when you stab them! This is messed up!”
“All I did was stab him…!” repeated Helios. Nako-Nako didn’t have anything to say. She was too busy throwing up in the bushes.
“This is what you get for f^#%ing around with Yakuzas!” called out Tomoe.
“Yuck,” intoned Rei.Bot.
“Warning, contents under pressure,” said Artemis, “Do not puncture.”
“Those Crazy 88’s need to wear warning labels or something,” added Minako, “I mean, really, that’s just gross!”
The Spores kept quickly moving through the park. They soon reached a small koi pond with a bridge crossing over it. Standing on the bridge was a tall woman with long dark hair wearing a long black cape, boots, and what looked like a leather string bikini. She turned slightly and the camera zoomed in…first on her face, then on her enormous, well-shaped cleavage.
“Holy crap!” cried Michiru, “It’s Naga the White Serpent! What’s she doing in this?!”
“She’s beautiful!!” shouted Tomoe, “Shwing!”
“Wow,” commented Haruka, “She’s tall, she can cast spells, and she’s got huge…!”
“Tracks of land?” offered Jedite, noticing the malicious expression that was currently on Michiru’s face.
“Yes! Exactly!” stated Haruka, also noticing Michiru’s expression. Hotaru crossed her fingers and closed her eyes.
“Please don’t make her laugh…” she pleaded, “Please don’t make her laugh…”
“Kupi?” chirped Nako-Nako as she looked over at Naga.
“Oh yeah, baby!” said Helios, “Look at that @$$! Mmmm, what I wouldn’t give to get a slice of that magical pie she’s got going on!”
“Hey!” retorted Chibiusa, “You’re MY b!^*h and don’t you forget it!”
“Hmph,” grumbled Zoicite, looking unimpressed, “She looks like a total slut. I fail to see what’s so special about her.” Suddenly, Naga looked over in their direction and squinted a little.
“Who’s that skulking around in the shadows?!” she demanded as she took a few steps towards them, “No one can hide from Naga the White Serpent! I…” She trailed off as she noticed a small, globular object emerge from some bushes not too far away from her. The object hovered for a moment, then began floating slowly away from her. “Huh? What the heck is that thing?” Naga began walking slowly towards the floating ball.
Chibiusa grinned evilly as she worked the remote control of the Lunaball. The dim light gleamed off the blood-speckled blade of the katana.
“Come on, you top-heavy bimbo,” she whispered, “Go for it…go for it…”
The Lunaball stopped and hovered in mid-air. Naga ( being Naga, of course ) walked over towards it. The Lunaball rotated around to face her.
“What the heck is this thing?” asked Naga as she stepped up to the floating Lunaball, squinting in the poor light, “It looks like some stupid Pokemon rip-off toy…”
C-Pov – a close-up of the Lunaball as a small light began blinking on the nose. Naga leaned in a little closer. PWAFF!!! Brilliant white light filled the area as the “eyes” lit up like strobes. A moment later a color photo of Naga’s surprised face slid out of the “mouth” of the Lunaball.
“OOOwwwwww!!!” screamed Naga, clapping her hands over her eyes, “OOOwwwwww! My eyes! My beautiful, perfect, desirable eyes!” Naga staggered back a few steps…right towards Chibiusa as she leapt out of the shadows. Clutching the katana with both hands, she charged at her.
“Hai-keeebaaaa…!!!” screamed Chibiusa. Naga spun around.
“Hah! Who dares try to sneak…” began Naga. Then Chibiusa stabbed her in the thigh. “OOOWWWW!!! What the…??!!” Chibiusa struck again. “AAAAAGGGHH!! They stabbed by butt! They stabbed by BUTT!! I…!!” By now, Naga had fallen to her knees. Grabbing her by the hair, Chibiusa yanked upwards, then started hacking away at Naga’s neck…
“OH MY GODDESS!!!” shrieked Minako.
“Nnnnoooooooo!!” wailed Tomoe, tears streaming from his eyes, “Naga-kun!! Oh, how I wanted to share some tasty coffee and play Twister with you!”
“Just clone her or something,” offered Haruka.
“We don’t know where all this is happening!” cried Tomoe, “Oh cruel fate…!”
Three whacks later, Chibiusa began laughing insanely as she held aloft Naga’s head while her decapitated body flopped to the ground. The expression on Naga’s face was priceless.
“Oh, beautiful!” cried M.A. over the radio, “That’s perfect! You’re warming up our viewing audience nicely.”
Artemis dashed off to the litterbox to throw up. Everyone else was cringing in their seats.
“That’s cold,” commented Jedite.
“Lina Inverse is gonna be pissed!” said Minako.
“Well, the only thing Naga really had going for her were her boobs,” said Michiru, “So, it’s not like she’s much worse off than before.” Haruka got up and went over to the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asked Hotaru. Haruka began opening all of the drawers.
“I’m hiding all of the sharp kitchen utensils,” she replied as she began piling silverware on the counter, “If the psycho-spore actually comes back home I don’t want her getting any funny ideas.” Jedite and Hotaru immediately rushed over to help.
The scene changed, showing the darkened control room where M.A. was coordinating everything. Standing near the TV screens, observing everything, were none other than Lina Inverse and Amelia from “Slayers”.
“Oh my goddess! They killed Naga!” cried Amelia, aghast at the brutality of what they’d just witnessed. At the same time Lina, looking bored, opened up a bag of crab-flavored potato chips.
“Oh yeah,” replied Lina, eating some chips, “What a freakin’ tragedy. You want some of these?” Amelia clenched her fists and her face started turning red.
“What we just witnessed was murder most foul!” she shouted, “The heavens cry out! The earth cries out! The people cry out…FOR…!” Suddenly, Amelia was jerked off frame and the sounds of someone getting the crap beaten out of them could be heard. Lina just kept watching the TV’s. A moment later Amelia’s unconscious body was thrown against the wall, stuck there for a few seconds, and slowly slid down while Ryoko ( from “Tenchi Muyo” ) walked up to Lina and started watching TV with her.
“Chips?” offered Lina.
“Don’t mind if I do,” replied Ryoko, “Beating the sh!t out of prissy little bimbos gives me an appetite!”
Zoicite grabbed Naga’s knife, Helios took Naga’s belt, and Chibiusa kept Naga’s severed head ( complete with “bonked” expression ) as a trophy. The Spores quickly walked over the bridge and disappeared into the shadowy bushes beyond. Parting some branches, Chibiusa and Helios smiled as they saw a young Japanese male wearing ragged clothing standing near a small fountain.
“All right,” whispered Chibiusa, “Our next victim.”
“I think you’re enjoying this a little too much, kid,” remarked FishEye. He felt a tug on his leg and looked down.
“Kupi?” chirped Nako-Nako as she held up something. It was another plastic shopping bag. She offered it to FishEye.
“Hmph,” he grumbled as he took it, “Well, it’s better than nothing, I guess.”
“Okay, so how are we going to get this guy?” asked Zoicite. Chibiusa smiled and grabbed Naga’s head.
“I know…” she hissed.
There was a faint whistling sound, then a loud thump as something hit the grass. The sound made the Jap-ganger jump a little and he spun around to check it out.
“What the…?” he yelped. He grabbed his aluminum baseball bat and peered into the dim light. Lying on the grass a few feet away from him was the severed head of Naga. “Ugh! What kinda sicko would chop off the head of a good-looking girl like that?! That’s messed up!” Suddenly, a plastic bag was dropped over his head.
FishEye grunted loudly as he tightened the bag as much as he could, holding on as the ganger started struggling. The ganger grabbed his bat with both hands and swung up…
WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! FishEye let go and staggered backwards from the solid whack he’d taken to his face.
“ITAI!!!” he screamed, “Aaaahhhh! My face! My beautiful face…!” FishEye looked up just in time to see the ganger swing the bat right into his chest, sending him flying backwards into the fountain.
“FishEye, you suck!” called out Chibiusa. Helios jumped out of the bushes.
“HEY, YOU!!” he shouted. The ganger turned towards him as Helios threw something at him.
“Kuuuuuu-piiiiiiiii…!” THUNK! The ganger stiffened, dropped the bat, and crumpled to the ground…with Nako-Nako’s horn lodged deep in his forehead. Nako-Nako struggled to pull herself free, but her horn was stuck.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” screamed everyone back at the Sub-Sen home.
“Well, THAT was original,” commented Michiru.
“Death by Kupi,” added Tomoe.
“Noooooooo!” wailed Minako, “Nako-Nako’s the mascot of the goddess of love and beauty! Now she’s been used as an instrument of death! How dare they defecate her like that!”
“Desecrate,” corrected Rei.Bot.
“No, defecate is an appropriate term,” said Jedite, “Especially for that little sh!t.”
“I’m not sure what’s worse,” said Haruka, “Death by Chibi or death by Kupi?”
“I just want to see Helios DEAD!” snarled Hotaru, “That’s all I’m hoping for!”
Grabbing Nako-Nako by the legs, Zoicite and Helios yanked her out of the ganger’s head. FishEye picked up the aluminum baseball bat as he held his ribs.
“Oh, that hurt,” he whimpered, “This is all so brutal! I need a bubble bath…”
“Quit yer whining,” snapped Chibiusa as she washed the blade of her katana in the fountain. “Hey, M.A, which way do we go next?”
“Go down the path on the opposite side of the fountain,” replied M.A. over the radio, “You’ll see a gate in a chainlink fence. Go through it.” They began walking around the fountain…
BLAM!! Helios yelped as a puff of wind blow through his hair. He reached up to find a tuft of his hair was now gone.
“What the…??!!” shouted Zoicite. Another gunshot rang out, causing part of the park bench next to FishEye to explode.
“Kuuuppiiiiii!!!” shrieked Nako-Nako.
“It’s the SporeHunters!” screamed Chibiusa, “They’ve found us again!” FishEye immediately began screaming like a schoolgirl.
“Scream all you want!” shouted Michiru, “You’re miles away from anyone that can hear you! Ohohohohohohoho…!!”
“C’mon, Solarchos! Shoot that little sh!t Nako-Nako again!” cried Haruka.
“Kill the Spore! Kill the Spore!” chanted Tomoe, Jedite, and Artemis.
“Kill the Horse! Make him bleed! His death is all I really need!” chanted Hotaru, “Muahahahahahahaha…!” Tomoe smiled at her.
“She makes me so proud!” he declared.
“RUN!!!” screamed Zoicite as another shotgun blast rang out, disintegrating a part of the fountain. In the distance they could see two figures on an open field walking towards them. One of them was dressed in dark clothing that made him blend into the poorly-lit area quite nicely. The other was a girl in flowing robes and long red hair. Both of them were carrying rifles…LOADED rifles.
“Use Nako-Nako again!” urged FishEye, “Go long!”
“No way!” replied Helios, “They’re too far and I’m way too close to those guns! I’m outta here!” Helios turned and started running down the path.
“Wait for me!” shouted Chibiusa. Zoicite and FishEye glanced at each other, then grabbed Nako-Nako and started running after the others.
C-Pov – the inside of M.A. TV control room. M.A reached over to a control panel and flicked a switch. Lina and Ryoko were sitting in some chairs off to the side, enjoying everything.
“Oh, Solarchos, old friend…” began M.A.
The scene switched to show Solarchos and the other SporeHunters in a downtown Tokyo strip-mall. They had just parked the Warthogs and were in the process of getting out. Solarchos stopped.
“What’s up, M?” he asked.
“The late-comers are in position and are driving the Spores towards the ambush site,” said M.A., “They’re doing surprisingly well against the other hunters. I don’t think the guys in the construction yard will last very long. Naga certainly didn’t.”
“Oh well, acceptable losses,” commented Starcat.
“Bet Lina was heartbroken to hear that,” added Adam.
“We need at least ten minutes to set up the ambush,” said Solarchos, “We got delayed ‘cause we drove through the filming of an episode of PGSM and almost ran over the youma. Can your forces delay the Spores that long?” M.A. thought for a moment.
“Possibly,” she replied, “The Skinz aren’t very reliable, but at least they’re predictable. If worse comes to worse I’ll tell Talon to do what he can to pin them down for a few minutes. Is that good enough?”
“Perfect,” said Solarchos. He turned to the other SporeHunters.
“So what are we doing here at an all-night mini-mall?” asked Seiya, “Are you and M celebrating your anniversary or something?” Solarchos shook his head.
“Nope,” he answered, “We’re here to grab a few things for the ambush. Adam and Jup.Knight – you two stay with the Warthogs…”
“Cool!” replied Jup.Knight, “That means I can practice using the chaingun!”
“Starcat,” continued Solarchos, “I need you to go into that triple-X rated store over there…” The camera swerved to show the entrance of an ecchi-hentai store. “We need a male inflatable blow-up doll.” Starcat facefaulted.
“Say what?!” she retorted, “Look, I get the impression M’s a little…weird, but she should do her own shopping and leave me out of it!”
“Starcat…please,” replied Solarchos, “Trust me. It’s all part of the plan. Seiya, I need you to get a hold of a tuxedo, a cape, a cane, and a top hat. And one of those old-style plain costume ball masks if you can find one. Wolfwood, go try and find a bouquet of roses.” Wolfwood slowly began smiling.
“I think I know where this is all heading,” he stated, “What are you going to be doing?”
“I’ve got the most important job of all,” said Solarchos, “Snack run! I’ve got a craving for peppered beef jerky and a six-pack of A&W root beer. Who else wants something? My treat!”
“I want cookies!” called out Starcat.
The scene switched to a closed gate in a chainlink fence. The gate was unlocked and Helios effortlessly pushed it open. Chibiusa was right behind him, “urging” him onwards with the katana hovering dangerously close to his butt. FishEye, Nako-Nako, and FishEye were looking around nervously, trying to find where the two SporeHunters pursuing them had gone.
“Good,” commented M.A., “You made it. Okay, here’s the situation.” The scene switched, showing several of the bald, mask-wearing Westerners wandering around throughout the construction site. “The people you’re now facing are a gang from the United States called the Skinz. They’re your near-stereotypical white supremacist skinheads; almost none of them have any kind of real social skills, and most of them work in minimum wage jobs…if they work at all. Of course, it’s not THEIR fault most of them dropped out of high school. It’s always someone else’s fault…usually the first person they come across who’s not a “pure-blooded white male Anglo-Saxon Protestant whatever”.” M.A. started snickering. “Oh boy, are they going to like you guys – two girly yaoi-boys, an Eminem-wannabe with a horn coming outta his head, a pink-haired sugar demon, and a Pokemon reject! They’re just gonna love you guys!” M.A. then burst out into laughter. The Spores just sweatdropped. “Anyway, your new member is currently tied up in a shed near the middle of the construction site. The shed’s got a big blue X painted on the door, so you’ll know it when you see it. What are you waiting for? Get moving! The SporeHunters are hot on your tails!”
C-Pov – straight up as the Spores huddled.
“What do we do now?” asked FishEye, “These Skinz-people sound really mean.”
“Oh, you THINK?” demanded Helios.
“Let’s try to jump the SporeHunters,” suggested Zoicite, “If we can bring down one or two of them, we can get their guns and make all of this a whole lot easier…”
Everyone at the Suburban Senshi home burst out into snickers.
“Good luck with that!” giggled Michiru.
“Go for it,” added Hotaru, “I want to see that Adam guy nail Helios in the balls with that “Go-Go mace”!”
“I wanna see Solarchos use Nako-Nako as target practice again!” exclaimed Tomoe, “That was so cool!”
“Plasma grenades for everybody!” proclaimed Jedite, “Especially one down Horse-boy’s pants!”
“Fight the SporeHunters?!” demanded Helios, “Are you on crack, man? They’d kick our @$$es, then they’d blow it up like they did with Barney!”
“He’s right,” agreed FishEye, “Those plasma grenades would be murder on my hair and mascara. Chibiusa, what do…?” FishEye looked around. So did the camera. Chibiusa was nowhere to be seen.
“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako. All of a sudden they heard lots of screaming coming from nearby.
Nako-Nako, Helios, Zoicite, and FishEye rushed down an alley, turned right, and found themselves in a courtyard between several partially-constructed buildings. They got there just in time to see Chibiusa swing the katana right into the leg of a hugely-muscled guy wearing a t-shirt and a hockey mask.
“Hai-keeba!!” shrieked Chibiusa as she hacked a large, deep cut into the guys’ leg. The Skin-ner immediately dropped the club he was holding and grabbed his leg.
“Aaaahhhh! The foul ones strike at the righteous!” he shouted, “O Lord, your servant…!” Chibiusa struck again, plunging the blade into the brute’s side. He collapsed to his hands and knees. Screaming with the fury of a wild lemur, Chibiusa pulled the sword back, raised it up over her head, and struck the ganger’s head from his shoulders in one blow.
“Daaaaaaaaaaammmmmnnnn!!!” screamed Jedite and Haruka.
“Okay, she’s enjoying that WAY too much,” commented Minako.
“Kami-sama help the Crazy 88’s if they ever show up,” added Artemis.
Chibiusa snickered nastily as she wiped the blade off. Everyone else just stared at her.
“Holy crap!” cried Zoicite, “That’s the second person you’d decapitated in less than ten minutes! Are you trying to become one of those creatures from that “Predator” movie or something?”
“Jeez, look at the mess she made!” commented FishEye.
“Quit your b!^*hing,” snapped Chibiusa as she stepped over the body, pausing to make sure Naga’s head was still attached securely to her fuku belt, “This guy was in my way.” Suddenly, an empty liquor bottle sailed through the air and impacted against the side of her head, sending her to her knees.
C-Pov – a pair of Skinz as they rounded the corner.
“Ya got her, Zeke!” yelled one of them, “Good shot, man!” The Skinz hefted their clubs and charged forward.
Zoicite looked to one side; several Skinz were approaching. Helios looked to another side; more Skinz were running towards them.
“Oh crap!” shouted Helios, “What do we do?! What do we do?! What…?!” He turned around. He just caught sight of Nako-Nako disappearing around the side of a building and Zoicite and FishEye were just plain GONE.
“Hey!” shouted Chibiusa as she turned and started running, “Wait for me!!” Helios let out a cry and started running in a different direction.
“Run, Forrest, run!!” shouted Tomoe, “Muahahahahahahaha…!”
“Poor Nako-Nako!” sobbed Minako, “Chased by white surrealists. This is all so unfair!” Hotaru slapped herself on the forehead.
“That’s supremacists, you frickin’ moron!” she yelled.
The scene switched, showing Zoicite as he ran down an alley. Turning a corner, he skidded to a halt as he saw someone standing at the far end. It was a young lady with fair skin, deep green eyes, and lots of long red hair, most of which was tied in a thick braid hanging down her spine. She was wearing boots, white shorts, and a long-sleeved jacket with big shoulder pads. Clutched in her hands was a huge broadsword and her eyes gleamed with barely-restrained madness. The girl smiled and chuckled as she began walking towards Zoicite.
“Oh my goddess!!” screamed Jedite, “That’s Excel!!” Tomoe let out a high-pitched shriek of terror.
“What?!” demanded Haruka, “You mean that psychotic red-headed bimbo from “Excel Saga”?! Oh sh!t!! They’re all f^$%ed now!!”
“Oh yeah!!” snarled Artemis, “This is gonna get good!”
“Who are you?!” demanded Zoicite. The girl just laughed maniacally.
“I am Excel,” she began, “Fanatically loyal follower of Lord Ilpulazo and the highest-ranking member of the super-secret ideological organization known as ACROSS which only has two people working in it whose purpose is the conquest of the city and ultimately the world! Foul creature! YOU are an obstacle to Lord Ilpulazo’s great and noble plans to unify the world through conquest and he has personally ordered me, his blindly-devoted and unquestioningly loyal and lustful Excel, to eliminate you and…hey, where’d you go?!” The camera turned around to show the spot that had formerly been occupied by Zoicite, who was nowhere in the area. “HEY!!” screamed Excel, “Come back here and let me kill you!!! B@$tard!!!”
Jedite and Hotaru glanced at each other.
“Oh god, she’s just as bad as Sailor Moon with the intro speeches,” commented Hotaru.
“No, not quite,” replied Jedite, “Usagi’s SLIGHTLY better than Excel. At least Usagi has her moments. Excel’s just a complete idiot.”
Meanwhile, the scene switched again, showing Chibiusa, the Lunaball, Nako-Nako, and FishEye running for their lives through the construction yard. As they passed by a Porta-pottie, the door burst open and one of the Skinz jumped out. He was a big, fat guy wearing nothing but a hockey mask and jeans…which he was still trying to pull up with one hand. The Skin-ner just chuckled.
FishEye rushed forward and thrust his club straight into the Skin-ner’s huge gut, driving the bat over a foot into his stomach. The Skin-ner collapsed to the ground, dropping his club…and his pants.
Everyone at home cringed as the camera showed a top-down view of the Skin-ner falling to the ground, his big, fat, hairy, soiled @$$ exposed for all the world to see.
“Oh god!” cried Michiru, “I did NOT need to see that!”
“That just exceeds all the boundaries of good taste!” added Jedite.
“Agreed,” commented Rei.Bot.
“Eeeewwwww!” cried Minako, “What’s that hanging between his butt-cheeks?”
“It’s not a candy bar, that’s for damn sure,” said Artemis.
“Hey, what’s she…?” said Haruka, pointing at the screen as Chibiusa grabbed the bat off the ground.
“Oh my…!” cried Hotaru as Chibiusa positioned herself near the stricken Skin-ner’s head and raised the bar over her head.
“Help me…white brothers…” groaned the Skin-ner. Chibiusa laughed as she raised the bat. She then started whacking the ganger in the head. Over and over and over again. After about the sixth hit there was a loud wet crack. The camera focused on Nako-Nako, then FishEye, then the Lunaball as blood splattered across them. After a few more seconds of continuous whacking, the camera switched back to Chibiusa, who was panting like a Sumo, grinning like the Joker, and speckled with fresh blood.
“I’ve seen some screwed-up people in my time,” commented M.A, “But you definitely rank number one, kid!”
“Muahahahahahahaha…!!” cackled Chibiusa.
“Ku-pi??” said Nako-Nako, cowering behind FishEye’s leg. FishEye looked around.
“Hey, where’s Helios?” he stated, “Where’d he disappear to?”
C-Pov – the corner of an alley blocked by a large stack of lumber, cement bags, and cinderblocks. Helios skidded to a halt, trapped, then spun around. Two Skinz now had him cornered.
“Aww…sh!t!” cried Helios. Behind him, the Skinz began chuckling. “Uuuhhhh, listen,” began Helios, “Can’t we, like, make a deal or something? I mean, you can’t kill me!”
“Why the hell not?” demanded one of the Skinz.
“Yer just a half-breed,” said the other, “Yer an affront to the purity of man, boy.”
“Listen, the bounty,” continued Helios, “It’s only for a live capture. If you kill me you don’t get anything!” The two Skinz looked at each other.
“Isn’t that what that big lizard thing said a while back?” asked Skin-ner #1.
“I reckon so,” replied #2, “Sounds ‘bout right, ‘course I was drinkin’ pretty hard back there.”
“Listen,” said Helios, “I’m sure we can make some kinda deal here.”
“Ye-ah, I guess we can make some kinda deal here,” said #1. Helios let out a sigh of relief as he reached into his pocket.
“Look, I don’t have any cash on me but I can write you a check…” Helios reached around in his pockets and sweatdropped : his checkbook and his wallet were gone. Then he perked up a little. “Wait a sec…I’ve got my rings and stuff!”
“If we want your money, we’ll take your money,” snarled #2.
“Well, what do you want?” asked Helios.
“Well…we require that you get your @$$ over behind that woodpile over there,” said #1, pointing to a huge pile of plywood planks and metal piping. “Now git!!” Helios began walking, receiving an occasional push from one of the Skinz as they walked behind him. They soon walked around to the other side of the huge pile. On the other side of the pile was a high brick wall, forming a dimly-lit shadowy courtyard.
“Okay, now what…?” asked Helios. Skin-ner #1 ( let’s just call him Bubba ) pointed his club at him.
“Now let’s you just drop them pants!” he ordered.
“What?!” demanded Helios.
“Jus’ take ‘em riiiight off!” ordered Bubba again. Meanwhile, the other Skin-ner ( let’s just call him Zed, shall we ) walked around behind Helios so that Helios was between him and Bubba.
“Don’t argue now, just drop ‘em,” advised Zed.
“Just drop ‘em, boy!” ordered Bubba. Reluctantly, VERY reluctantly, Helios began to take off his expensive designer jeans. “An’ that shirt. Take it off.” Helios began sweatdropping, then he started taking off his Yankees baseball shirt. “Them panties…” continued Bubba, pointing at Helios’ black boxer shorts, “Take ‘em off!”
“No way,” he replied, “I don’t think so.” Suddenly, Bubba charged at him. Helios tried to turn, but Zed jabbed him in the guts with his club. Gasping hard, Helios crumpled to the ground…then Bubba had him.
Everyone watched in silence back at the Sub-Sen home as Helios got thrown around by Bubba, tossed and rolled into the dirt that covered the ground.
“What the hell is going on?” asked Minako, “What’s that guy doing to Helios?”
“I don’t know, but I’m certainly enjoying it,” replied Hotaru.
“Boy, you look just like a hog,” said Bubba, laughing a little after a minute of shoving Helios around. By now Helios was covered with dirt and was sobbing a little. Zed was laughing continuously as he watched everything. Bubba kicked Helios in the butt, sending him sprawling to the ground, then quickly moved in and sat on his back. He reached over, hooked two of his fingers into Helios’ nose and pulled up. “C’mon piggy! C’mon piggy-piggy! C’mon piggy! C’mon piggy-piggy! Gimme a ride! I wanna ride!” Helios just sobbed. “Shut the f#%$ up and give me a ride!” Bubba punctuated his statement by thumping his fist into Helios’ ribs. Helios VERY reluctantly began to give Bubba a twisted, perverted version of a horseback ride.
“Bwahahahahahahahahaha…!” laughed Hotaru as she started rolling on the floor. Artemis was snickering like crazy and Michiru was having a hard time keeping a straight face.
“Dude, normally I’ve got no objection to seeing Horse-boy put through this kind of treatment,” said Haruka, “But this is getting grotesque!”
“What? Are you actually complaining about it?” asked Jedite.
“No, I’m just saying this is getting really weird,” replied Haruka.
“Looks like we’ve got a sire instead of a boar,” commented Zed, “He got a real purty mouth, don’t he?” Helios cringed as Bubba grabbed him by the ears and yanked him to his feet.
“I bet you can squeal!” exclaimed Bubba, “I bet you can squeal like a pig! C’mon now. Squeal. Squeal! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!” Helios just sobbed loudly. “Oh, you can do better than that, boy. You can do better than that. C’mon, squeal! Weeeeeeeeeee!!”
“…eeeeeeeee…” sobbed Helios.
“Squeal louder…!” yelled Bubba. Helios moaned louder. “Louder…!” A louder moan from Helios. “Louder…!!” This time Helios squealed. “Louder!!!” Helios squealed again. “Louder!!! Yeah!!!” Bubba shoved Helios to the ground, got down behind him, and grabbed Helios’ underwear. Helios REALLY began to panic. “Yeah, git them britches down! We gonna have some fun now! C’mon, squeal!!! Weeeeeeeee!!!”
“Eeeeeeeee!!” yelled Helios as Bubba yanked off his underwear…and he began to realize what was going to happen. So did everyone back at the Suburban Senshi home. Elsewhere in the construction site, the haunting tunes of a banjo playing “Yankee Doodle” could clearly be heard.
“OH MY GODDESS!” screamed Minako, facefaulting “That guy’s going to…! He’s going to…!” Tomoe, Jedite, and Haruka all burst out into hysterical laughter.
“Oh, this is just SICK!” cried Michiru, “I like it, but it’s just sick!”
“Oh man,” added Artemis, “Zoicite’s being chased by Excel, Helios is going to be ridden like a pig, and Chibiusa and the others are getting set up for an ambush…THIS F^#%ING ROCKS!!!”
“Helios’ great shame…” intoned Rei.Bot, “The scene from “Deliverance”…sure sucks to be him.” All of a sudden the screen went black…
INTERMISSION – SPOREHUNT WILL RESUME IN 5 MINUTES.
“Good!” cried Michiru as she leapt to her feet, “I’ve gotta pee like you wouldn’t believe!” Haruka rushed over to the phone and picked it up.
“I’ve gotta call Setsuna,” she stated, “This just rules! I gotta see if she wants in on this!” Hotaru just kept staring at the TV screen, her eyes unblinking, her face twisted by a sick grin.
“Uhm, Hotaru?” asked Minako, “Are you all right?” Artemis sat up and waved his paw in front of Hotaru’s face a few times. Suddenly, Hotaru started laughing…low and slowly at first, but then she leaned back against the couch and burst out into great, huge peals of mad, hysterical laughter usually reserved for the likes of Jinnai from “El Hazard”.
“Squeal like a pig, Helios!!!” she screamed, “Squeal! SQUEEEEEEAAAL!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” Minako looked at Hotaru nervously, then moved away.
“I think I’ll just sit over here for the rest of the night…”
Who are the new Sporehunters?
Will Chibiusa and the others escape the ambush?
Will Zoicite survive the wrath of Excel?
Will Helios really be “violated”? Hotaru : “Yes! Yes! Please say yes!!”
Find out in the next exciting episode of Sporehunt! You won’t be disappointed!