T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios
And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps
Shamelessly Presents…
Episode 4
Kill the Spore. Kill the F$^%ing Spore!
Usual legal stuff : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.
“Bwahahahahahahahaha…!” The sound of Hotaru’s mad laughter filled the house as she replayed Helios’ “Squeal like a Pig” scene over and over again. In the meantime everyone else was either taking care of some last-minute business or using the bathroom.
“Dammit,” hissed Haruka, “I can’t get through to Setsuna.”
“Hmph,” snorted Michiru, “Who needs her.”
“And Xadium’s not back yet,” added Minako, “That sucks. He should be here for this.” Rei.Bot nodded.
“Agreed,” she intoned. Meanwhile, Hotaru kept on laughing as she replayed the “Squeal like a Pig” scene AGAIN. Tomoe was laughing right along with her. Jedite grinned fiendishly as he watched Helios getting “abused”.
“Oh yeah!” he sighed, grabbing another beer, “Now THIS is what I call quality home entertainment. Maybe they’ll nail Zoicite next. I hear he’s into this kinda thing…”
“Okay, Hotaru, that’s enough,” stated Minako, “Once or twice was fine, but you’ve played this scene eight times! Aren’t you getting bored?” Hotaru turned towards her, her eyes glowing an evil purple.
“No!!” she hissed, “Muahahahahahahaha!!” Jedite and Tomoe joined in laughing as they all watched Helios “git them britches down”.
“Okay, okay!” cried Haruka, “We’re all here, so let it play through to the next part already!” Hotaru stopped laughing and frowned.
“Oh, fine!” she said with a huff. She pressed “play” on the remote and let the movie continue.
Helios was freaking out as another shadow fell across him. Nearby “Yankee Doodle” was still being played at breakneck speeds on a banjo. He looked up to see Zed standing in front of him, smiling.
“You gonna do some prayin’ fer me, boy,” stated Zed, “And you better pray good!” Zed unzipped his pants…
Suddenly, Zed threw his arms up like he was about to burst into song, opening his mouth to let out a huge, agonized screech. He spun around, revealing that he was now bleeding copiously from a deep puncture wound to his butt. Nako-Nako darted off to the side, her horn thickly covered with Zed’s blood. FishEye gripped his club tightly with both hands, set himself up, and swung at Zed’s head. There was an awesome crack, then the camera moved slightly to show Zed’s head flying through the air like a homerun by Babe Ruth.
“Oooo!” commented M.A. over the radio, “Zed’s dead, baby! Zed’s dead!” Meanwhile, Bubba shoved Helios aside and tried to get to his feet. Then he jerked to a halt as he felt something get rammed forcefully up into his butt.
“Pink Sugar Heart Attack!” Bubba screamed like a schoolgirl as his belly bulged out ( even more than it already was ) almost two feet, then he was launched forcefully into the air by the pressure being created inside him. Still screaming, Bubba was flung almost thirty feet into a solid concrete wall, smashing into it like a frog hitting a windshield…and making a similar mess.
“A pink sugar heart attack up his @$$??!!” cried Haruka, “Damn, that would like liquefy his insides! Ow!”
“Talk about movin’ the mail!” added Michiru, cringing a little, “Ow is right!”
“But Horse-boy didn’t get violated!” snapped Jedite, “Dammit!”
“I agree,” added Hotaru, “What a let-down. I’m not satisfied.”
Chibiusa, Nako-Nako, and FishEye watched as Helios curled up into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth, shuddering.
“I am not yaoi,” he mumbled, “I am not yaoi…I am not yaoi…”
“Helios, why the f#^% are you sitting there buck-naked?” demanded Chibiusa.
“Helios was about to “get ridden” so to speak,” replied M.A over the radio. Chibiusa gasped.
“What?! You mean he was about to be…?” asked Chibiusa, “You better not be gay, Helios!” FishEye and Nako-Nako burst out laughing.
“I think it’s too late for that,” replied FishEye, “You’re one of us now, Horse-boy!”
“Yup,” added M.A, “You’re an honorary yaoi-boy!”
“There’s no turning back!” stated FishEye.
“And I got it ALL down, too!” exclaimed M.A, “From every possible angle!”
“Squeeeeeeee!” cried Nako-Nako. Helios immediately burst out into a full-blown Sailor Moon wail : he was never going to live this down.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Everyone in the Sub-Sen home was once again on the floor, convulsing in hysterical laughter.
“I knew there was something funny about Helios,” called out Tomoe, “Now we’ve got the proof! Muahahahahahaha!”
“Get your clothes on and quit your b!^*hing!” shouted Chibiusa as Helios slowly got to his feet, crying all the while, “And wait ‘til we get outta this sh!t. I’m gonna kick your @$$ so hard for turning gay on me, you sh!thead!”
“It’s not true!” screamed Helios, “I’m not gay!” FishEye and Nako-Nako looked at each other, smirked, and started nodding.
“Yeah, right,” said FishEye, “That’s what you’d like us to think. Come on, Helios. Don’t be ashamed of how Naoko Takeuchi made you!”
“Squeeeeeeee!” cried Nako-Nako.
“SHUT UP!!!” screamed Helios. FishEye and Nako-Nako dodged aside as Helios threw a rock at them. “Just shut up! Oh god, I feel so dirty…( sob )!”
“Quit screwing around!” ordered Chibiusa, “Let’s find that shed and get the f^%$ outta here!” They all stopped. “Yankee Doodle” was STILL being played. They all looked around one of the stacks of wood to see a weird looking American kid sitting on the ground. He was wearing only overalls and a tattered baseball cap, had a strange blank empty expression and very few teeth, and was playing a banjo so fast that his fingers were almost a blur.
“Where the hell did this kid come from?” asked FishEye, “And why the hell’s he just sitting there?” The weird kid just smiled vacuously at them as he kept on playing. Frowning, Chibiusa snatched the banjo out of his hands and proceeded to bash the weird kid’s head in with it.
FishEye, Helios, and Nako-Nako watched in shocked silence as Chibiusa beat the kid to death with his own banjo. The discordant sounds of the banjo breaking apart were strangely soothing for some reason.
“Stupid f&^%ing redneck Skinz!” snapped Chibiusa as she tossed away the splintered remains of the banjo, “I hate these b@$tards!”
“I think the feeling’s mutual,” stated FishEye.
“Jeez, you whacked the kid like twenty times!” exclaimed Helios.
“Now let’s get to that shed before the SporeHunters get here,” ordered Chibiusa, “And where the f$&^ is Zoicite, anyway?”
The scene switched, showing Zoicite as he ran for his life through the construction yard. He leapt over a pile of cement bags, almost tripping as he landed, and kept running, knocking over an empty barrel as he rushed past. A moment later Excel appeared. Growling like a dog, she jumped over the cement bag pile, landed effortlessly, hopped over the knocked-down barrel, and continued her pursuit of her prey.
“Come back here!” she shouted, “Come back here and let me kill you, you jerk!”
“Help!” screamed Zoicite, “I’m being chased by a psychotic homicidal maniac! Somebody help me!” Suddenly, a pair of Skinz appeared in front of him.
“Where you goin’, city boy?!” called out one of them. Zoicite barged past them and kept going. The Skinz looked back…then they were hacked to pieces by Excel as she ran past.
“None shall stand in the way of Lord Ilpulazzo!!” she screamed as she hacked one Skin-ner down, then decapitated the other, “All who oppose Lord Ilpulazzo in any way must die, because all who oppose him oppose the ultimate goal of ACROSS…world peace and the end of corruption and evil and suffering everywhere so that all people can live without fear! Hail Ilpulazzo!”
“So you’re saying this ACROSS-thing is dedicated to doing away with corruption and evil and suffering in all forms, yet you say that everyone who stands against it has to be killed?!” called out Zoicite as he ran, “What the f^%# kind of logic is that??!!” Excel skidded to a halt and stared off into space as she tried to figure Zoicite’s statement out.
“Uhhhhh…” she mumbled for a few seconds, then she went into hyperactive mode again, “Oh, just hurry up and let me kill you, you corrupted fiend!!” Zoicite kept on running and Excel kept on chasing after him. Running past a row of portapotties, he suddenly skidded to a halt. Smirking a little, he dashed over to the side near a building foundation and sat down, waiting for Excel. He didn’t have to wait long.
Panting like a dog, Excel skidded to a halt, then laughed evilly as she gripped her sword tightly and slowly approached Zoicite. He was sitting on the ground with both of his hands placed over his eyes.
“Oh, don’t even think of trying to trick me into thinking that if you can’t see me I can’t see you,” she snarled, “That trick doesn’t work on me any more…”
“You mean it USED to work on her?” asked Artemis.
“Wow,” said Minako, “Usagi never told me she had an older sister…”
“How do you know Excel’s not YOUR older sister?” asked Jedite, “I see a distinct intellectual resemblance.”
“Same here,” added Tomoe, “And they’ve both got back!” Minako quickly grabbed her “whack-wand” and smacked Tomoe on top of the head again.
Excel prepared to strike. Zoicite quickly looked up at her.
“Wait,” he called out, “You don’t want to kill me.”
“Yes I do,” replied Excel, “You’re nothing more than an annoying painful zit on the butt of society!”
“You don’t understand,” continued Zoicite, “I’m not really here. I’m just a holographic projection that was put here to distract you. The real Zoicite’s over there in that porta-pottie.” Zoicite pointed at one of the porta-potties.
“Oh really?!” demanded Excel, “You devious deviant, trying to fool Excel! You’ll soon feel the wrath of Lord Ilpulazzo!” Excel rushed over to the porta-pottie and flung the door open, and looked around. Naturally, she didn’t see anyone, but she quickly saw the big hole. Grinning, she began to stab her sword down the hole repeatedly. “Die! Diediediediediedie…!!” Zoicite immediately dashed over, slammed the door shut, and slapped on the deadbolt. As Excel began to freak out and pound on the door, Zoicite rushed around to the other side and, straining with all his might, knocked the porta-pottie over onto its door…with Excel still trapped inside.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!” screamed everyone.
“Oh, that’s just nasty!” shouted Artemis.
“Serves the bimbo right,” commented Jedite, “That was almost too easy.”
“Damn! That was pure, unadulterated evil we just saw,” said Haruka.
“Who, Zoicite or Excel?” asked Hotaru.
“Zoicite, of course,” replied Haruka, “Excel’s just pure unadulterated stupidity.”
“You know, I think Rei did that to Usagi once…” stated Minako.
Zoicite began to quickly walk away, eager to get the hell away from Excel as she really began to go hyperactive. The porta-pottie rocked violently from her feverish pounding.
“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “You fiendish b@$tard! How dare you trick Excel like this! Do you jerks actually enjoy seeing a pretty girl like me get subjected to banal, mindless toilet humor?! Lemme outta here! And what’s all this cold, mushy, wet stuff pouring out onto me that stinks so bad?! Oh sh!t…it’s sh!t! It’s sh!t!!! IT’S SH!T!! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! It’s a gushin’!! It’s a gushin’!! It’s a gushin’!! Hyatt! Pedro! Menshi! Lord Ilpulazzo! Great Will of the Macrocosm! Somebody get me outta here!! Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! I’m never going to get married…!!” Excel let out a full-throttle Sailor Moon wail as she continued to pummel on the plastic walls of her prison.
C-Pov – the end of an alleyway that a Skin-ner was standing in. Suddenly, the Skin-ner made a horrible choking sound as Helios slipped a leather belt around his neck and yanked it tight. Chibiusa and FishEye quickly rushed around in front of the guy and proceeded to beat and hack the Skin-ner to death. Helios, grinning furiously, twisted hard – a loud snap came from the skin-head’s neck.
“Yeah!” hissed Helios, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Word up!”
“These f#^%ers are getting boring,” said Chibiusa as she wiped the blood off her sword.
“I’ll say,” replied M.A., “Finish up with these white supremacist jerks, find your new team member, and get outta there. I got lots more planned for you suckers to do before the night’s over. Remember, look for a shed with a blue X painted on the door.”
“Yeah yeah…” grumbled FishEye. He then glanced up the alleyway. “Hey, what’s that?” The camera swiveled and zoomed in on a single rose stuck into the ground.
“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.
“You don’t think…?” asked Helios. Chibiusa use immediately blushed as hearts appeared in her eyes.
“Mamo-chan!!” she cried, “Mamoru’s come to rescue me! At last! Mamo-chan! Your Chibiusa’s coming!!!” Dropping the sword, Chibiusa quickly began skipping happily towards the rose, leaving Nako-Nako, FishEye, and Helios behind, sweatdropping something fierce. The three of them looked at each other, then started following Chibiusa, not sure what was going on.
“Oh look!” cried Chibiusa, pointing straight ahead, “There’s another rose! And another! And there’s another up ahead!” She kept on skipping, which soon began to make FishEye and Nako-Nako feel nauseous.
“I know the feeling…” grumbled Jedite, not feeling too well himself.
“My teeth are starting to hurt,” said Hotaru.
“Mine, too,” added Tomoe.
“All of a sudden I have this craving for insulin,” stated Michiru. Artemis suddenly sat up on his hind legs and clapped his paws together twice and began praying Shinto-style.
“Oh great Belldandy,” he prayed, “Keeper of all that is pure, please pretty-please, don’t let Chibiusa sing that damned “Incest Song”!”
“What’s with all the dang roses?” asked FishEye. Nako-Nako shrugged.
“If it is Cape-boy, why doesn’t he just stand on top of some building or materials piles and make some dumb, long-winded speech or something?” added Helios, “This makes no f^%#ing sense.” FishEye thought for a moment.
“Maybe he doesn’t want to get shot at by the SporeHunters,” he replied, “I mean, magical attacks are one thing, but bullets and plasma grenades? Cape-boy probably wouldn’t last three seconds against that.” Helios shrugged as they kept following Chibiusa.
The scene changed, showing Zoicite as he skidded to a halt and ducked into the shadow of a building to catch his breath. In the distance he could still hear the alternating heart-rending sobs and soul-chilling shrieks of Excel as she struggled to get out.
“Okay, Zoicite,” began M.A. over the radio, “Break’s over. You’re close to the shed.” With a grumble, Zoicite stood up and looked around. Sure enough, he saw a small tool shed with a blue X painted on the door. He waited for a few seconds as some Skinz dashed past, heading towards the porta-potties to find out who the hell was making all that noise. As the Skinz past by, Zoicite quickly dashed over to the shed and went inside.
The first thing he noticed was a large burlap sack that hanged from the ceiling. Rakes were scattered all over the place and something was struggling inside the sack. Zoicite walked over to the rope from which the sack hanged and untied it. The sack hit the ground with a loud thud.
“Me-oowww!!” cried the occupant as she tried to pull herself out, “Careful, you jerk! That hurt!”
“Well excuse the f^%# out of me,” retorted Zoicite as he tried to find a new weapon amongst all the tools. Then he saw who was in the bag.
Standing before him was a teenaged girl with yellow eyes, fair skin, and long black hair tied into two braids which joined together halfway down her back. She wore a tight-fitting, cleavage-revealing skirted black pleather suit, an earpiece radio, the skullcap she wore had a number of bells on it, and her GPS collar had bells on it, too.
Standing in front of Zoicite was Sailor Tin Nyanko.
“Suzu “Tin” Nyanko,” announced M.A., “She’s the newest addition to the Spores. She’s wanted on two charges of attempted premeditated murder, possession and use of an illegal weapon, and of being an intolerable shmooze in general. The bounty on Tin-Tin here is $15000 American.” Nyanko immediately flushed red.
“Hey!” she shouted, “Don’t call me Tin-Tin, you succubus b!^*h!” Zoicite blanched a little.
“Keep it down!” he urged, “Those SporeHunters are getting closer and those damn Skinz aren’t too far away. By the way, what the hell were you doing in that sack?” Nyanko cringed as she rubbed some of the bruises on her body.
“Getting the crap beaten out of me, that’s what!” replied Nyanko, “I scratched one of them earlier so they punished me by putting me into a burlap sack and beating me with rakes.”
Everyone at the Suburban Senshi residence burst out into snickers.
“Was she being insolent?” asked Haruka.
“Or ill-tempered?” added Jedite.
“Oohh, very!” replied Michiru.
“She’d drink, she’d womanize, she’d make outrageous statements like she invented the question mark,” said Tomoe.
“Sometimes she’d accuse chestnuts of being lazy,” stated Rei.Bot.
“Her childhood was standard,” added Artemis, grinning, “Summers in Rangoon…luge lessons…in the springtime they’d make meat helmets!” Minako looked at them, totally confused.
“What are you people talking about?” she asked.
“Never mind, Mina,” replied Hotaru, then she broke out in a huge grin, “The particulars of their lives are quite in-con-se-quen-tial!” Everyone burst out laughing again…except Minako.
“I don’t get it,” she said.
“So how’d you get caught?” asked Zoicite as he picked up a crowbar.
“Lead Crow and Aluminum Siren tracked me down and kicked my @$$,” replied Nyanko, “That’s where I got half of these bruises from.” Nyanko started sobbing a little. “Then they turned me over to their friends and THEY worked me over…” She cried some more. “Then they put this horrible collar on me on told me I was going to be hunted down like a DOG! A DOG! They called me a DOG, of all things!” She started crying full throttle. “Oh! Why?! Why, Kami-sama, why?!”
“Because you’re a schmoozing, butt-kissing, back-stabbing tramp who nearly killed two of my closest friends,” replied M.A. over the radio, “So shut up!”
“F^%# you, Morrigan!” shouted back Nyanko. She suddenly yowled in pain like a cat getting its tail stepped on as she got zapped by an electric shock. Nyanko cringed again as she got zapped a second time.
“What the f%#%?!” cried Zoicite.
“Heh-heh,” replied M.A., “Nyanko’s collar is designed to also give an electric shock whenever I flip a switch. It’s a little bonus feature I included…mostly because I truly don’t like her. Nyanko talks too much.”
“Hmph, like a certain director we know,” grumbled Zoicite, “Wait a second, who’s this Morrigan person you’re talking about?”
“She’s the director, dumb@$$!” retorted Nyanko, “Morrigan Aensland, the succubus from “DarkStalkers”. She’s the one running this whole mess.”
C-Pov – the inside of the TV console room. The shadow-clad female leaned forward into the light, revealing a beautiful, well-endowed lady with long green hair and black bat-like wings, wearing black boots and an outfit that looked like it came straight from “Victoria’s Secret”…or “Fredericks of Hollywood”. Morrigan smiled knowingly.
“That’s correct,” she stated, “M.A…Morrigan Aensland. Took you guys long enough to figure that out. Now that you’ve found your newest member hurry up and get back together with the others. They’re about to run into…” Morrigan glanced at a TV screen that showed a Warthog parked in some shadows, its occupants lurking in ambush. “…trouble!”
“Morrigan Aensland?!” cried Artemis, “That’s the gal who’s directing “Sporehunt”?”
“Wait a sec…” said Hotaru as she calculated something in her head, “T&M Productions…Talon and Morrigan Productions?! What the f^%#?!”
“Muahahahahahaha!” shouted Tomoe, “She’s a babe!!! And she’s a succubus, too! ”
“No kidding,” added Haruka, “Did you see the outfit she was wearing?” Michiru promptly whacked Haruka upside the head. Jedite have Haruka a weird look.
“You were staring at the outfit?” he retorted, “What’s up with you? That girl’s got a body that makes Minako look like a wrinkled old hag.”
“What?!! Why you…!!” Minako grabbed Jedite, yanked him off the couch, and proceeded to smack the ever-loving crap out of him. Everyone else just observed and sweatdropped.
The scene changed, showing a wide open courtyard ringed by several small buildings, a few construction vehicles, and several piles of building materials. Chibiusa was still happily skipping along, following the trail of roses sticking out of the dirt.
“Rain or shine…I’m happiest!” she sang loudly, “When I’m with Tuxedo Mask! He makes me sing he makes me laugh…!”
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH…!” shrieked Artemis. Haruka desperately lunged for the remote, but slammed into Jedite as he tried to grab it and they both fell to the ground, sending the remote flying to the opposite side of the room.
“Make her stop!” screamed Michiru, “Make her stop! My ears are bleeding!” Hotaru flopped over and began convulsing.
“Too…much…sugar…” gurgled Hotaru, “Need…antidote…” Tomoe rushed over to the nearest potted plant and noisy threw up into it.
“Ow!” cried Minako as she suddenly grabbed the side of her jaw, “Toothache! Toothache! Ow! Ow! It’s getting worse! I think my gums are bleeding!” Rei.Bot quickly rushed to the bathroom and came back holding several syringes which she handed out to everyone.
“Insulin,” she stated. Everyone immediately began shooting up, inoculating themselves against Chibiusa’s sickening display of cuteness. Relief was almost instantaneous.
The scene switched, showing Zoicite and Nyanko rushing through the construction yard.
“FishEye! Helios! Somebody answer me!” cried Zoicite into the radio.
FishEye, Nako-Nako, and Helios stopped. Chibiusa was still ahead of them and the distance was growing. The pink spore was almost running by now.
“Zoicite?” replied FishEye, “Where the f^%# have you been?! We could’ve used your help a while ago, you know!”
“I’ve been having problems of my own, you cross-dressing freak,” snapped Zoicite, “Listen, I’ve found the other person we were told to look for…”
“Hiiiiiiii!” called out Nyanko into the radio.
“…I’ve also found out who the director is,” continued Zoicite, “It’s Morrigan Aensland!”
“The succubus from “DarkStalkers”?” replied FishEye.
“Kupi?” added Nako-Nako.
“Damn!” said Helios, “Now she’s one fine piece of boo-tay! I gotta gets me some of that succubus @$$!! It’s all good…it’s all okay…it’ll all work out when she and I start to play!” Nako-Nako and FishEye glanced at each other and groaned.
“Ku-PI!!” shouted Nako-Nako as she gave Helios a swift kick in the shin.
“Where’s the spore-child?” demanded Zoicite.
FishEye and Helios looked around. Chibiusa was about thirty feet ahead of them. She’d stopped and was staring at something straight ahead. FishEye, Nako-Nako, and Helios moved closer. In the middle of the yard was a single folding chair. Sitting in it was a figure wearing what looked like a cape and tuxedo. He was holding a rose in his hand.
“Mamo-chan!!!” screamed Chibiusa as she ran forward, outrunning the Lunaball and laughing happily, oblivious to everything else around her.
“Whoa! It’s Cape-boy!” called out FishEye, “Oooo! And he looks GOOD!” FishEye started to pick up the pace as he followed after Chibiusa.
“No!” cried Nyanko, “Morrigan said something earlier. I think it’s an ambush!”
“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.
“Ambush?” asked Helios. They both looked at each other in surprise. Then they started staring fearfully into the darkness. The camera view followed around, moving left and right randomly…then focused and zoomed in on one spot. It was difficult to make out, but the outline of a parked Warthog was just discernable against the side of a wall.
The TV room of the Suburban Senshi was totally silent as everyone watched eagerly, barely daring to breathe as they awaited the carnage.
Laughing happily, Chibiusa dashed up to the tuxedo-clad figure and leapt into his arms, hugging him tight.
“Mamo-chan!!” she cried, “You came! You finally came! Now I can finally get this f^%#ing collar off and you can kill those f^#%ing SporeHunters and we can go home and you can let me f^$# you until your liver explodes!!” She squeezed harder. “I know that’s what you want, so just admit it and we can start making out right here if you want, right in front of Helios and FishEye and everyone else! How about that?” She looked up and smiled…then facefaulted. She was staring into the blank-eyed, wide-mouthed face of an inflatable blow-up doll. “What the f^%#?! This isn’t my Mamo-chan??!!”
* thunk * Chibiusa looked down and saw a small black cylinder bounce off the ground, coming to a halt a few feet away from the chair. Another cylinder landed nearby a second later.
“( blink, blink ) Huh?” asked Chibiusa, “What are…?” Both flash-bang grenades detonated with a devastating 200-decible explosion and searing flashes of light. Chibiusa was immediately flung to the ground, blinded, deafened, and stunned out of her mind.
“YEAH!!” shouted Adam, triumphantly as he watched the flash-bang grenades go off, “Nailed the b!^*h!”
“Everyone attack!” yelled Solarchos. Seiya cackled maniacally as she took aim at the prone Chibiusa. The ambush had been sprung. Morrigan laughed out loud over the radio. A fast-paced, kick-@$$, headbanging, speed-metal guitar riff began playing (Pantera’s “kick-@$$ fight scene music” from the movie “Ghosts of Mars”, to be exact ) as the SporeHunters began shooting.
FishEye skidded to a halt, his eyes nearly popping out of his head as the shooting began. He looked down as an orange laser-dot appeared on his chest.
“Uh-oh…!” he groaned. A moment later a shotgun blast rang out and a 12-gauge solid-slug stun round struck him with the force of a mule kicking him in the chest. FishEye was knocked off his feet and slammed into a pile of cement bags.
“HELL YEAH!!” shouted Haruka. Tomoe started laughing and Jedite began headbanging. Michiru looked at them with undisguised disgust.
“Honestly,” she grumbled, “You people are such barbarians.”
“Oh, yeah,” retorted Jedite, “Like you weren’t going nuts when Barney was getting torn to shreds.” Michiru shrugged.
“Okay, you got me there,” she admitted.
Zoicite and Nyanko threw themselves to the ground as more gunfire erupted near them and bullets began whipping past them. They both looked up to see two new figures emerge out of the shadows. The first was a mean-looking guy with short black hair, unusually blue eyes, and wearing combat boots and black and grey camouflage clothing. A broadsword was slung behind his back, a small battle-axe hanged from his belt, and clutched in his hands was a 12-gauge shotgun. The scene froze for a moment and the name “Leudast” appeared, then the scene resumed.
The second person was, in fact, a girl with long delicate bright-red hair and eyes to match, tight red clothing, and rather loose gauzy pants that were almost transparent. On one wrist she wore a bracer from which three long, curved blades extended, sheathed by her side was a sword with a blade of black crystal, and clutched in her hands was a Russian Dragunov sniper rifle. Nyanko gasped as she recognized her.
“Princess Kakyuu?!” she yelped, “You’re one of the SporeHunters?!” Kakyuu nodded and smiled, her usually benign expression turning into one of savage anticipation.
“Yup,” replied Kakyuu, “The fireball princess of fragrant olives has now become the queen of @$$-kicking! Leudast…” Leudast glanced at Kakyuu. “I now decree that the time is perfect to layeth the smacketh down on these losers!” Leudast broke out into a huge, mad grin.
“Gladly,” he replied. Zoicite screamed in terror, jumped to his feet, and started running.
“Hey!!” shouted Nyanko as she leapt to her feet, “Wait for me you bunghole! Don’t leave me behind with these psychotic freaks!!” Nyanko quickly stopped as she smelled something very odd. “Ewww…! What’s that stench?” Leudast and Kakyuu stopped and looked at her strangely.
“What smell?” asked Leudast. Nyanko sniffed again and shuddered.
“Ugh! It’s coming from you bozos,” retorted Nyanko, “Hey, princess. I thought you were supposed to be the princess of fragrant olives, not rancid feces?” Kakyuu’s face immediately flushed as red as her hair.
“WHAT THE F^%# ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!!” she screeched. Suddenly, Nyanko’s face became as white as Iron Mouse’s costume. She trembled fearfully as she pointed at something behind Leudast and Kakyuu. Leudast and Kakyuu slowly turned around…and instantly facefaulted.
Standing not more than ten feet away was a vaguely human figure clutching a huge, filth-encrusted sword. The figure panted heavily, its shorts and jacket completely saturated with near-liquid human excrement. Its long hair was hopelessly tangled, covered with liquid crap, and so thickly coated that it was almost impossible to determine its original color. Its green eyes seemed to glow with the fires of rage and insanity. From its mouth came a low, awful chuckle.
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!” screamed Minako in terror.
“It’s the Excremental from “Dogma”!” shouted Jedite.
“A what?” asked Minako.
“A sh!t demon!” cried Hotaru.
“No that is Excel,” intoned Rei.Bot, “She managed to get out of…the Porta-pottie.”
“Oh my god, that’s even WORSE!” cried Haruka.
“I’ve never used one of those filthy porta-potties before,” stated Michiru, “And after seeing THAT I’m going to be afraid to go near one for the rest of my life! That is just SCARY!”
“I think I’m going to have nightmares about that!” added Hotaru. Professor Tomoe just kept on laughing.
“Lord Ilpulazzo!!” screamed Excel, “Your loyal Excel has escaped from her sh!tty, crappy prison and continues of her crusade to bring swift terrible death to those who oppose you! You b@$tards thought you could lock a pretty girl like me in a plastic box and pour all kinds of foul substances all over my young gorgeous body and laugh at me but you’re MISTAKEN!! Nothing can stop Excel from carrying out the wishes of Lord Ilpulazzo for he is…” Kakyuu and Leudast glanced at each other, eyebrows twitching, then simultaneously opened fire on Excel and blew her away while Nyanko ran for her life.
“YES!!!” shrieked Haruka, Hotaru, and Jedite, headbanging like mad.
Helios yelped as bullets began to impact against the wall next to him. He dived to the ground, barely evading a 12-gauge stun round. Nako-Nako’s hat was knocked off her head as a plasma grenade exploded nearby.
“Remember, SporeHunters,” advised Morrigan over the radio, “The bounty on Nako-Nako is “double if dead”. Muahahahahaha!”
Wolfwood, Seiya, and Jup.Knight glanced at each other, grinned, and all nodded. All of them turned and aimed at Nako-Nako while Solarchos switched to his MA5B assault rifle. Meanwhile, Adam and Starcat charged towards the stunned Chibiusa.
“Ku-PIIIIIIIII…!!!” wailed Nako-Nako, diving for cover as bullets and laser blasts began to tear up everything around her. Helios stayed right where he was as a laser bolt flashed over him and struck a propane tank somewhere behind him, causing it to explode like a small bomb.
“Uhhh…Mamo-chan…?” groaned Chibiusa as she pulled herself upright. Her ears were ringing like crazy and she could barely see anything due to the bright afterimages that seared her retinas. She staggered to her feet, groping around herself with her hands. “Mamo-chan…where are…?” Suddenly, she heard a loud whooshing sound coming from somewhere nearby. “Is that…?”
Adam laughed wildly as he swung the Go-Go flail around, bringing it up to speed, then whacked Chibiusa full in the stomach, sending the pink spore flying backwards…right towards Starcat as she swung her baseball bat and nailed her in the middle of the back…sending her flying right back towards Adam.
“YES! YES! YES!” shrieked Jedite as he and Haruka continued to headbang wildly. Tomoe was still laughing non-stop.
“This is so f^%#ing AWESOME!!!” screamed Haruka.
“Yeah!” shouted Hotaru, “Hit ‘em! Hit ‘em! Hit ‘em!”
“Nako-Nako…!” wailed Minako, crying piteously, “Oh the humanity…!”
“Kill that b!^*h Excel!” cried Michiru.
“Yeah! Yeah!” added Artemis, “Smoke that mother like she ain’t no thang!” He and Michiru high-fived ( or, pawed in Artemis’ case ) each other. Rei.Bot just kept smiling…which got even broader as a splintered plank landed on Helios’ head.
“Beat on the brat…! Beat on the brat…! Beat on the brat with a baseball bat!!” chanted Starcat and Adam as they continued to beat the crap out of Chibiusa. A whack from Starcat sent Chibiusa sprawling back into the dirt.
The camera scene switched, showing Zoicite and Nyanko as they rushed into the field.
“Holy crap!!” screamed Nyanko as bullets whipped past her, “What the hell is this? The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan”?!” She and Zoicite quickly threw themselves to the ground as a flash-bang grenade exploded nearby.
“Saving Private Ryan,” sighed Jedite, “Those first fifteen minutes were so heart-warming…”
“What?!” cried Hotaru, “How can you say that?! You and Haruka were both high-fiving each other and shouting “Hoody-hoo” during that whole beginning scene every time one of those poor soldiers died! That was supposed to be a poignant and moving film, not a comedy for you sickos!”
“Hey!” retorted Haruka, indignantly, “I was moved! I got into that movie. I low-crawled it to the concession stand and back, remember?”
“I was embarrassed to be there with you!” exclaimed Hotaru, “I mean, you two actually stood up and CLAPPED when that soldier with the flamethrower exploded! I was praying that no one would recognize me!”
“Saving Private Ryan was the sh!t,” stated Jedite, “I’ve got that whole beginning scene recorded as a continuous loop playback. I call it “World War Three and Then Some”.” He nudged Haruka. “I’ll show it to you later if you want.”
“Oh HELL yes!!” replied Haruka. Hotaru just sighed and slumped her shoulders in disgust.
C-pov : alternating slow-motion close-ups of the SporeHunter’s various guns firing at Nako-Nako as she remained motionless behind cover, screaming in terror as bricks, rocks, and wood all around her exploded and shattered, showering her with the debris. The scene switched and showed Chibiusa looking up just in time to take a whack from Adam’s flail right in her side. Starcat followed up with a good, solid kick to the pink spore’s butt. Meanwhile, the Lunaball just hovered nearby. A moment later the Skinz began to rush into the ambush site.
“Git ‘em all, boys!” shouted one of them, “They ALL a bunch a no-good halfbreeds!”
“White power!” screamed another Skin-ner.
“Purify the white bloodline!” shouted another.
“What the hell are you morons talking about?!” retorted Solarchos, “I’m descended from British royalty! If that’s the case, then MY blood’s purer than ALL of you white supremacist @$$holes combined!!”
The scene switched, showing a rather surprised Morrigan staring at the TV screens as the Skinz began charging at everyone.
“What the f&^#?!” she cried, “The hell are they doing out there?! All right, that does it. SporeHunters, I’m authorizing a general @$$kicking on all of those white supremacist, redneck dumb@$$es. Nail ‘em!” The camera zoomed in to show Wolfwood’s smile.
“Oh yeah, I can dig that,” he hissed.
Suddenly, something else happened. Up until now, the Lunaball had just been hovering passively and doing nothing. That changed as the Skinz began attacking everyone. Its eyes blinked red for a moment, then a little hole opened in its mouth.
“Warning,” announced the Lunaball, speaking with a slight British accent, “M808V automated defense system activated. Multiple targets detected. Commencing active defense…ex-terminate! Ex-terminate!”
“The hell…?” asked Adam as the Lunaball turned towards him and Starcat. Several Skinz began rushing up towards them, brandishing baseball bats and shouting drunkenly. The Lunaball spin around to face them and opened fire with a flamethrower, immolating all of them.
“Holy sh!t!” screamed Adam and Starcat. The two SporeHunters immediately turned and ran back towards the Warthogs.
“Oooooo yeeeaaaahhhh!!” screamed Jedite.
“Burn baby burn!!” shouted Haruka as they all watched some Skinz flailing around wildly. Hotaru and her father just laughed insanely.
“Awww, those guys look cold,” stated Artemis, “Let’s warm ‘em up!”
“I love the smell of burning government cheese in the morning,” commented Michiru. Rei.bot nodded.
“Smells like…victory,” intoned the android with a little bit of a smirk.
Disengaging the flamethrower, the Lunaball began opening fire with a full-auto machine gun, spitting 9mm bullets continuously. Jup.Knight and Seiya were still shooting at Nako-Nako while Wolfwood disappeared into the shadows. Solarchos dodged aside as a Skin-ner swung at him with a baseball bat, then kicked the Skin-ner in the crotch and followed up by smashing the stock of his assault rifle into the side of the stricken ganger’s head. He then pivoted and gunned down two more Skinz with a couple of controlled bursts from the MA5B.
The scene switched, showing a Skin-ner as he suddenly began jumping up and down, desperately trying to shake something off his arm.
“What in tarnation is that thing?” asked one of the Skinz standing nearby.
“Looks like one of them poker-mon balls,” offered one guy.
“Get it off! Get it off!” shouted the afflicted ganger. The camera zoomed in to show that the object was, in fact, an armed Covenant plasma grenade. The screen turned bright white and immediately zoomed out to show flaming white supremacists being forcefully hurled in all directions. The next scene showed Starcat flashing the V-sign.
“Yes!!” screamed Minako, “Explosions!!” She began headbanging.
“Rock on!” cried Haruka. Tomoe was STILL laughing non-stop. Hotaru pointed at the TV.
“Look! There she is!” Hotaru was pointing at Chibiusa as she dragged herself slowly forward. Hotaru began to smile wickedly as an orange laser dot appeared on Chibiusa’s ankle…and began moving upwards.
“Yes…yes…yes…” urged Michiru. The laser dot settled on the curve of Chibiusa’s skirt…then she was knocked to the side as the 12-gauge stun round nailed her squarely in the @$$.
“AWESOME!!!!” shrieked everyone at the top of their lungs.
The Skinz were getting wiped out by the Lunaball as it continued to fire non-stop at anything not wearing a GPS collar. Chibiusa was lying on her side, howling in pain from the whacks she’d taken. Her fuku could actually withstand bullets, but the SporeHunters had been whaling on her like a minor character in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Suddenly, Zoicite and Nyanko rushed up to her and began dragging her towards a big pile of broken-up concrete and cement. Nako-Nako made a mad dash towards the same pile, bullets and laser blasts churning up the ground all around her. By that time Adam and Starcat had leapt onto the Warthogs and were using the chainguns, tearing the crap out of the remainder of the Skinz while Solarchos was shooting at the Lunaball. FishEye peered at the SporeHunters from behind a pock-marked metal drum.
“Oh my, those go-cart thingies have really big guns!” he panted. FishEye turned around and saw Kakyuu and Leudast enter the field and begin moving around to join up with the other SporeHunters. “More SporeHunters? Oh, that is not good!” He looked over at Zoicite and Nyanko as they dragged Chibiusa towards the rock pile. Nako-Nako was already cowering behind it. “Stay here…” said FishEye to himself. He looked at the Spores, “Help…” He turned and looked at the Warthogs as the Lunaball’s bullets began pelting their armor. “Stay here…” He look back at the Spores, “Ah, screw it…” FishEye got up and made a mad dash for the rock pile…stepping on the middle of Helios’ back in the process. Gunfire followed FishEye as he ran. As he dove behind the rock pile he barely avoided getting hit by a stun round from a shotgun.
Solarchos ducked down as bullets from the Lunaball sprayed past his position, kicking up a fair amount of dirt. Kakyuu and Leudast suddenly rushed up and dove behind cover with him. Kakyuu saw Solarchos, smiled ( revealing little fangs ), and immediately leapt on him and started power-hugging ( glomping, as it’s usually called ).
“What the…?!” cried Solarchos. Kakyuu giggled.
“Gotcha!” she replied, “Glad to finally meet you! Sorry we missed you earlier but Leudast lost track of time!” She cast a withering glare at her partner.
“Hey!” retorted Leudast, nervously, “It’s not my fault! You never told me we were in a different time zone!” Meanwhile, Solarchos peered through a gap in the stack of bricks he was hiding behind. He could see the broken rock pile behind which the Spores were, but he couldn’t see the targets.
“Hey, Morrigan,” began Solarchos, speaking into his radio, “Where’s the Spore’s exit point? They’ve currently got us pinned down and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it.”
The scene switched, showing the succubus Morrigan as she called up camera images from multiple angles and a map of the construction site.
“Well,” she replied, twirling some of her hair around her finger, “It looks like they’ve pretty much got a straight shot towards the exit. All they need to do is keep that rock pile to their backs, move away, and they can run all the way outta there.”
Solarchos frowned a little.
“Great,” he commented as he switched frequencies, “Okay, SporeHunters, we’ve gotta circle around and flank the Spores before they figure out some way out of here.”
Meanwhile, Morrigan was smirking wryly as she adjusted the radio frequencies so that the Spores could here Solarchos’ orders. The Spores all shuddered a little as they heard Solarchos' orders.
“We’ve gotta do something!” cried Nyanko, “They promised that if I got caught I’d be thrown into a pool full of ill-tempered mutant sea bass!” Zoicite meanwhile was leaned over the rock pile and shooting back at the SporeHunters with a nail-gun.
“It’s beautiful, man!” he exclaimed, “It’s just beautiful!” He fired a few more times, then ducked back as shots from Solarchos, Kakyuu, and Leudast shattered against their cover. Nako-Nako squealed in terror. FishEye suddenly perked up.
“Hey, I’ve got an idea!” he exclaimed.
“Yeah, take off your clothes and flash the SporeHunters,” offered Zoicite, “Maybe they’ll all go blind.” FishEye flipped off Zoicite and crouched down next to Chibiusa, who was currently sobbed loudly.
“Those f#^%ing SporeHunters!” snarled Chibiusa, “I’ll make them pay for this! I’ll make them all pay!”
“Oooo, the Spore-child’s pissed!” remarked Michiru.
“They’re gonna pay, huh?” said Jedite, “Cash, check, or credit card?”
“Nah, they’re gonna pay with the money they get in royalties after this movie goes into world-wide mass distribution!” said Artemis, “Those SporeHunters are gonna be freakin’ rich!”
“Chibiusa,” began FishEye, “May I use that Lunaball thing for a bit? I’ve got a plan to get us outta here.” Chibiusa groaned in pain, looked skeptical, then handed over a remote control device ( painted pink, of course…gak ). FishEye pressed the main switch on it.
“Hello,” began a voice from the remote control ( which, of course, sounded like Luna’s voice from the NA dubbed version ), “And thank you for activating the M808V remote control spore-sitter. You may call me Lunaball.”
“Hello, Lunaball,” replied FishEye, “Small basketball lady.”
“Would you like to activate the tutorial program?” asked the remote.
“Oh, that’d be very nice,” said FishEye, “Thank you.”
“Tutorial program activated,” announced the remote, “This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this blue-class remote sitter. Let’s begin with some driving…”
The scene switched, showing Seiya and Adam blasting away at the Spore’s cover, and failing to inflict much damage. Both of them ducked down as the Lunaball sprayed their position with bullets again.
“Cripes, doesn’t that thing ever run out of bullets?” called out Seiya.
“You know,” admitted Adam, “In hindsight, we should’ve just driven through and run them down.”
“What good’s a Warthog gonna do us in this place?” retorted Seiya.
“Gee, I can see how you hiding behind a sheet of bullet-proof glass and me on the chaingun’s a much better strategy,” replied Adam as he fired another burst at the Lunaball.
“Well, yeah, but…” began Seiya as she reloaded, “Ah, sh!t, I guess I gotta give that one to you.” Just then the Lunaball stopped shooting and began moving away. “Anyway, Solarchos wants us to try and flank them. Let’s sneak around the side of that building and take ‘em out before they get away.”
“Cool,” said Adam as he got off the chaingun. Both of them quickly jogged to one of the side buildings while the rest of the SporeHunters kept Chibiusa and her “krew” pinned down.
The scene switched, showing the Lunaball pushing itself into a stack of planks as bullets and lasers continued to hammer the area. FishEye watched the Lunaball closely, gritting his teeth a little as he worked the remote control.
“Now that you’ve mastered piloting the M808V,” announced the remote, “Let’s move on to some of the safety features…”
“No, no, wait. Go back,” demanded FishEye. The Lunaball pulled itself free of the plank-stack and hovered there. FishEye continued to work the controls, causing the Lunaball to begin spinning in circles. “Oh, why are there six switches if there are only four directions?”
Helios pulled himself along the ground, trying desperately to get out of the ambush zone and avoid being spotted. His back hurt from where he’d gotten stepped on, and his whole body was sore from the manhandling he’d suffered at the hands of those two Skinz. He shuddered : forgetting that torture would be hard as hell to do. But he was the “horse with the force”. 100 mother f^%#ing horsepower. Nothing scared him…
“We got you now, boy!” shouted a rough voice from behind him. Helios flipped around to see three Skinz rushing at him, ready to beat him to a bloody pulp.
“Yer done now, freak!” shouted one of the others. Suddenly, a few of the lights illuminating the area failed. All of them began looking around, confused by the sudden darkness. Then, one by one, the Skinz began to fall to the ground as someone began striking them down. Helios stared around fearfully, afraid to move. After a few seconds he tried to crawl away…then stopped as a red laser-dot appeared on his hand.
“What’s the matter, horse-boy?” asked Wolfwood as he emerged from the shadows, holding the gun from which the targeting laser was being emitted, “Afraid of the dark?”
Helios immediately began screaming like a little girl.
“Muahahahahahahahaha!!!” laughed Hotaru.
“Yes…yes!” urged Haruka, “I see it happening! Squeeze that trigger, dude!”
“Squeeze it…squeeze it…squeeze it…!” began chanting everyone.
The scene switched again, showing Adam and Seiya as they quickly dashed around the side of a building in order to flank the Spores. After a few seconds of moving they came to a blank wall.
“Dammit,” snapped Adam, “I don’t think we’re going to be able to get around this way.” Seiya nodded. The camera’s PoV changed, showing the two SporeHunters from the front…and the Lunaball slowly moving in behind them.
“Tell me again why we got out of the Warthog?” asked Seiya.
“Well, I guess it was either this or sit there and take potshots from that stupid-looking ball-thing all day long.”
“At least shooting at the Spores was kinda fun,” remarked Seiya. They both turned around…and saw the Lunaball hovering right next to them, it’s automated defense systems protruding. “HOLY SH!T!! Where the f%$# did that thing come from??!!”
“Why is it just sitting there, doing nothing?” wondered Adam.
“Uhh…I think it’s just trying to mess with our heads,” replied Seiya, “Let’s just get back to the Warthog.”
FishEye grinned as he saw everything through the Lunaball’s point of view.
“This remote sitter is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the autofire button,” advised the remote. FishEye began looking over the controls.
“Autofire…autofire,” he whispered to himself, “Here! No, wait. That’s more like pushing the button…” He continued to work at the controls. “Wait! Here it is!”
“Okay, you ready?” asked Seiya as she and Adam began to slowly back away from the Lunaball, “Let’s do this on three. One…”
“Wait,” began Adam, “Do we run on three or count to three then run?”
“On three,” replied Seiya, “It’s always faster on three.”
“Okay, okay,” said Adam, “On three.”
“Ready?” asked Seiya. Just then something in the Lunaball clicked.
“Tutorial deactivated,” it suddenly announced, “Autofire sequence activated. Acquiring target…”
“One…” began Seiya.
“Target acquired…” announced the Lunaball. Adam immediately turned and started running like hell.
“Two…” continued Seiya.
C-Pov – A pink-colored computer image of the area, complete with crosshairs…and Seiya standing in the middle of them.
“Target locked,” announced the Lunaball.
“Three!” shouted Seiya. She immediately spun around…and noticed Adam running away. “Oh, you back-stabbing cockbite!!!”
“Firing main weapons,” announced the Lunaball. There was a bright flash, followed by the distinct sound of a rocket engine igniting. A small missile streaked forward, shooting past Adam and Seiya, and slamming into the side of their Warthog.
“Son of a b!^*h!” shouted Solarchos as he dove to the ground.
“Son of a b!^*h!” shouted Kakyuu as she dove on top of Solarchos.
“Son of a b!^*h!” shouted Leudast as got whacked in the head with a scorched pair of fuzzy dice. Another missile struck the Warthog, the impact rocking it backwards onto its side wheels. Then another missile struck it, completely knocking it over.
“Holy sh!t!!” cried Starcat and Jup.Knight as they both ducked down. Jup.Knight quickly revved the engine of his Warthog and reversed out of the area. Wolfwood, startled by the sudden explosions, faultered for a moment, giving Helios the opportunity to make a mad-dash for the other Spores. Meanwhile, Seiya quickly low-crawled up alongside Adam and thwapped him upside the head.
“Hey! I have a great idea!” she shouted as she whacked him, “Let’s get out of the Warthog and sneak around the side of the building. Great plan, you idiot!”
“Blame Solarchos!” retorted Adam, “He gave the order!”
“All targets eliminated,” announced the Lunaball, “Acquiring new targets…” Zoicite looked up as Helios rushed over and joined them.
“Hey, Helios is back!” called out Zoicite, “You missed it. FishEye used Chibi-brat’s Lunaball to scare off the SporeHunters!”
“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako, sounding nervous.
“Hey, Fish-guy,” replied Helios, “Good job. Why didn’t you tell us you knew how to drive that dumb thing?” At the same time Chibiusa was slowly getting up and tentatively walk around. The Lunaball turned towards them…and Morrigan could be heard laughing over the radio.
“New target acquired…” announced the Lunaball as it focused a targeting laser on Tin Nyanko.
“That’s not a target,” called out Zoicite, “That’s Tin-Tin.”
“Yeah, that’s right!” added Nyanko, “It’s me, Tin…HEY!! I told you not to call me Tin-Tin!!!”
“Target locked…” announced the Lunaball.
“WTF??!!” screamed Nyanko.
“What?! No!” cried FishEye as he worked at the remote control feverishly, “Target unlock! Target unlock! Please help me, nice lady!”
“Firing main weapons…” The Spores all shrieked in terror and ran for their lives as the first missile struck the rock pile, shattering it instantly. Before it could fire another missile, a laser-dot appeared on the side of the Lunaball.
“I can see you…” hissed Wolfwood as he took aim…then fired. The bullet from his Beretta struck the Lunaball in the side…and ricocheted off. Seiya yelped loudly as the bullet hit her in the leg. At that same moment Kakyuu and Starcat both threw Covenant plasma grenades at the Lunaball. The grenades latched firmly onto it and simultaneously exploded. The double-blast was more than enough to reduce the Lunaball to so much blue-colored slag. Meanwhile, Wolfwood was looking at Seiya, who was lying on the ground motionless.
“Uhh…oops,” he stated.
“Holy sh!t!” shouted Jup.Knight, “Seiya, are you okay?! Talk to me!” He looked over at Wolfwood. “You shot Seiya, you team-killing f%$#tard!!”
“You b@$tard!” screamed Kakyuu, “Nobody does that to Seiya! That’s my job!” Meanwhile, Solarchos surveyed the whole scene.
“Okay everyone,” he ordered, “Do not pursue. We need to regroup.”
The scene changed, showing all of the Spores running at breakneck speed through the construction yard. Finally, they pushed through one last set of gates and emerged out onto a wide well-lit street. All of them skidded to a halt and facefaulted a little at the sight before them…which, unfortunately, the cameras refused to rotate around to show the Suburban Senshi.
“What the…?!” exclaimed Nyanko.
“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako, tilting her head to the side.
“Whoa!” commented Zoicite.
“Wha…?!” remarked Chibiusa, “What the f^%# is this place?”
“The location of the next scene,” replied Morrigan, “You now have to get inside there, accomplish a couple of jobs for me, and then get out…all the while avoiding getting caught. I’ve arranged a little something to help you get inside fairly easily. However, it’s the getting * out * part that’s going to be tricky! Better get moving, the SporeHunters are regrouping, but that won’t last long.” Brow-twitching a little, the Spores all began moving towards their newest objective.
Jup.Knight reversed his Warthog, using the winch to pull the other Warthog back onto its wheels. Everyone else was brushing themselves off, reloading, or cleaning whatever minor cuts and bruises they’d taken during the fight. Solarchos and Wolfwood were busy helping Seiya.
“I’m here, Seiya,” said Solarchos as he pulled out a combat medical kit, “Where are you hit?” Seiya winced as she grabbed her foot just below the ankle.
“Ow! Ow! Ow!” she cried, “My foot! My foot!”
“Your left foot?” asked Solarchos as he started opening the kit.
“Uh, left…let’s see,” replied Seiya, “That makes an L with your thumb and…” Wolfwood and Solarchos both pulled Seiya’s left boot off. Solarchos saw the bleeding cut and went to work without another word. Seiya glanced at Wolfwood. “I can’t believe you’re such a bad shot.”
“Oh, don’t even start with me!” retorted Wolfwood, “I had Horse-boy right in my sights until you screwed it up!”
“Minor fragment hit,” said Solarchos as he finished examining the cut and reached for a pair of tweezers.
“What?” asked Seiya.
“The bullet broke apart and you got hit in the foot by a small piece,” explained Solarchos as he began trying to figure out how to remove the fragment. “Is there anything else wrong?”
“Uhh…Oh! I got one!” exclaimed Seiya, “Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I dream about my parents having sex and I get really, really mad for some reason.” Wolfwood and Solarchos immediately stopped whatever they were doing and stared at each other, then at Seiya. Seconds slowly passed.
“Okay, I’m just going to work on the foot,” said Solarchos.
“Good idea,” said Wolfwood.
“Okay,” admitted Seiya.
The scene changed again, showing the SporeHunters as they quickly drove through the rest of the construction site and through the gate the Spores had escaped to. Solarchos immediately braked as he saw the destination. Wolfwood stopped his Warthog right next to his. Everyone watched Solarchos as he sweatdropped and examined the GPS tracking monitor.
“No…no…no,” he kept saying, shaking his head, “This cannot be. This can’t be where those @$$holes went!”
“What’s the problem?” asked Starcat. Over the radio they all could hear the distinct sound of Morrigan giggling. Then everyone looked up and saw exactly what it was that was making Solarchos so nervous. Everyone facefaulted a little at the sight of it…and this time the cameras swiveled to show what was going on.
Facing them was a huge three-story building. On the sidewalks stretching on either side of it were literally hundreds of people waiting in line to go up the steps and through the double-doors. Cameras flashed and floodlights pierced the darkness. Anime boys and girls screamed and cheered ( but not at the SporeHunters ), eager to get inside the place. Quite a few cute young ladies dressed in tight black blouses and short skirts were patrolling the streets and keeping an eye on things, making sure nothing got out of hand. Then everyone saw the lit neon signs and * really * started sweatdropping. Instead of sweatdropping, Solarchos developed a sudden nosebleed.
They had just arrived at Planet Hentai.
Morrigan burst out laughing again, and in the background the SporeHunters could just make out the sound of other girls laughing as well.
“Yup!” announced Morrigan, “THAT’S where they went! I warned you, Solarchos. I’m gonna cure you of your “Tenchi Masaki Syndrome” if it’s the last thing I do! And I’m gonna get ALL down on tape, too!” Morrigan began laughing insanely…then the scene faded to black.
PLEASE INSERT DISC 3
The Suburban Senshi were silent for several seconds…then all hell broke loose as they all lunged for the CD box.
“Planet Hentai??!!” squealed Prof. Tomoe, “Oh my god!!! We have seen the gates of paradise!!!”
“Disc 3!! Disc 3!! Disc 3!!” chanted Artemis.
“Gimme that!!” shouted Haruka.
“No! * I * wanna put it in, dammit!!!” screamed Jedite.
“No! Me!” cried Michiru. All of them stumbled, dropping the CD case. The treasured disc 3 dropped onto the floor, rolled across the room, and unfortunately rolled behind the counter. The Suburban Senshi stared at the counter in despair, unable to reach the priceless treasure that was the third disc.
“Ah, dammit!” snapped Minako.
“Haruka,” began Michiru.
“Yeah?” asked Haruka. Michiru turned to her, her eyes flashing with barely restrained madness.
“Get…the…axe!!!” she ordered. Haruka was only too glad to comply.
End of Part Four.