T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios
And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps
Shamelessly Presents…
Episode 5 : Planet Hentai ( Oh my! )
Usual legal crap : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.
Special thanks to the Fanboys Association for not objecting to my use of some of their material. Check out www.fanboys.com to see the rest of their cool fanfics. They’re as messed-up as I am!
Michiru smiled wickedly and let out a Naga-like laugh of pure madness as she took another swing at the counter. The axe bit deep into the side, splintering the wood with a loud crack. On the other side Jedite was busy using a chainsaw to tear apart the countertop. Prof. Tomoe and Haruka just watched and started headbanging like idiots.
“Yeah!” cried Haruka, “Use the chainsaw! The chainsaw! Rrrrrr-rrrrrr-RRRRR!!!”
“Go Michi!” called out Tomoe, “Smack that counter like a baby seal! Muahahahahahaha!” Hotaru and Minako just sweatdropped.
“Oh god, they’re getting worse,” groaned Hotaru. Rei.bot quickly walked over and effortlessly ripped off the countertop. With the interior of the counter exposed, it didn’t take long to find and retrieve the precious third disc of Sporehunt.
“I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” cried Michiru, happily.
“My precious!” warbled Artemis. Everyone ignored him as they quickly rushed back into the den and began playing Disc 3.
THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED BY T & M PRODUCTIONS…
“Cool! Maybe it’ll be a commercial for Planet Hentai!” called out Prof. Tomoe. A moment later everyone facefaulted as the smiling face of Usagi Tsukino appeared on the screen.
“The ambiquity that I feel never justifies itself,” began Usagi, “There’s always the pungent odor of life’s constipation that surreptitiously conflicts with the detrimental instability hitherto fore, six-eight, who do we depreciate, the unification of Congress…oops, excuse me, condoms…demystifying the squalor of profanity regurgitating over and over again. Here, let me digress my bowels for a minute and invite to the front the nondescript hernia rectifies the miscommunication of fetal, or fecal, depending on where your head is at.”
“Reading is fundamental,” stated the female announcer. The scene zoomed out slightly to show that Usagi was tied to a chair in the middle of an empty classroom.
“Do not be persecuted by the pompous fedora balanced by the equilibrium fortified by the American’s inability to eradicate or foreshadow, taken from the Hebrew word – foreskin.” Usagi was abruptly cut off as Petz and Cooan of the Ayakashi Sisters suddenly came up, jammed a cupcake into Usagi’s mouth, and then proceeded to start beating her with rubber hoses.
“Understand what you read,” stated the announcer, “She doesn’t! This message has been brought to you by the United Odango Scholarship Fund.” There was a loud whap sound, and the screen froze, showing a particularly comical expression on Usagi’s face as Cooan gave her the mother of all pimpslaps that seemed to make the lower half of Usagi’s face shift two inches to the left. A caption appeared underneath the picture : “Don’t let this happen to you!”
The Suburban Senshi stared blankly at the TV screen…then burst out into hysterical laughter.
“She’s getting worse!” laughed Artemis.
“Poor Usagi!” cried Minako.
“If we give to the Odango Scholarship Fund, does that mean we get to pummel Usagi senseless, too?” asked Jedite.
“Hell, if that’s the case,” replied Michiru as she grabbed her purse and started rummaging around in it. Haruka, Tomoe, and Artemis suddenly began grinning as the screen went dark.
“Oh yeah, here it comes!” hissed Haruka. Prof. Tomoe began giggling quietly.
AND NOW, CONTINUING WITH OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION…
“YES!!!” screamed the Suburban Senshi at the top of their lungs. Many high-fives were made as the screen brightened up. The scene showed Chibiusa, Zoicite, Fish-Eye, Helios, NakoNako, and Nyanko standing in an alley behind Planet Hentai. They were all making their way very slowly towards a locked armored door.
“Remind me again why we’re here,” began Nyanko as she peered around nervously.
“Because I said so,” replied Morrigan over the radio, “Now shut up and get over to that door.” A few seconds later they reached the door…and much to their surprise it was unlocked.
“Okay, who didn’t see that one coming?” remarked Zoicite as they all quickly dashed inside. NakoNako was the last one through the door, which promptly shut and locked behind them.
“Okay, you bozos, pay attention,” stated Morrigan, “Especially you, Chibiusa. You are now locked inside Planet Hentai, the hottest and most ecchi nightclub in all of Japan…”
“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Tomoe.
“Oh yeah, we’re gonna see some good stuff now!” added Haruka. Michiru frowned and quickly thwapped Haruka.
“The only way out is through the front doors,” continued Morrigan, “But it’s a little more complicated than that. You’ve all got a few objectives to accomplish. You see Chibiusa…I’ve captured your family!”
“What?!” cried Chibiusa.
C-pov – The camera was looking down on Usagi, who was dressed in her rabbit pajamas, gagged, and tried to a chair. A couple of cute Black Delmos were standing nearby. All of them were in a small room in front of a pair of doors. One was marked “Yuri”. The other was marked “Yaoi”.
“Usagi-chan!” cried Minako, distressed, “Oh no! That Morrigan’s REALLY paying for it now!”
“Uhhh, I think Usagi will be the one paying for SOMETHING pretty soon,” said Artemis, brow-twitching, “Yuri and Yaoi doors? What the heck’s that all about?”
The scene switched, showing Shingo Tsukino who was also tied up and gagged. Keeping a close watch over him were Lead Crow, Chocolat Misu, and Questis Trepe. All three of them were holding whips and, despite the gag, Shingo was drooling a little.
“Oh yes, baby!” cried Tomoe, “Whip it! Whip it good!”
“Kick his @$$!” called out Haruka, “Kick his @$$ right now!”
“Do it!” added Jedite, “Don’t wait for the pink fungus! Execute the little punk right now!”
“C’mon, Shingo!” shouted Hotaru, “Take it off! Take it all off!!” Everyone stared at Hotaru in stunned amazement. Hotaru blushed fiercely. “Uhhh…”
The scene switched again, revealing that Ikoku and Kenji Tsukino, Usagi’s mother and father, had also been captured. They were tied together, obviously as a “package deal”, and were seated in what looked like a kitchen. Shampoo was standing nearby holding a huge meat cleaver while Nuku-Nuku sat across from them, not taking her eyes off either one of them.
“No! Not Usagi’s mom!” cried Michiru, “She’s the only person in that whole f%#$-up family with any sense of style!”
“Shampoo and a cleaver,” remarked Tomoe, “That scares me for some reason.” Meanwhile, Artemis was ogling Nuku-Nuku, leaning forward and drooling.
“Mmmmm…!” he sighed dreamily, “Cat-girl…!”
The scene switched one last time, revealing the bound and gagged form of none other than Mamoru Chiba…
“CAPE BOY!!!” shouted Jedite and Haruka, “Awesome!”
“Death to Cape Boy!” screamed Tomoe.
“Something about seeing him tied up like that just makes me feel so…excited!,” added Michiru. Hotaru just cackled darkly.
Mamoru was sitting in the center stage a small auditorium. The camera slowly spun around, revealing the Saber Marionettes standing in various parts of the room. Mamoru looked slightly nervous since Fiore was sitting in the front row with a bucket of popcorn and a weird grin.
“I’ve decided to throw in a special added bonus here,” continued Morrigan, “Your objectives are simple…become a real hero and save your family! However, every time one of the Black Delmos or any of the staff here at Planet Hentai sees you they’re going to take out one of the hostages.”
“Screw ‘em!” retorted Zoicite, “I ain’t wasting my time saving anyone!”
“Yeah, spore-child’s family can kiss my @$$!” stated Nyanko. FishEye spun around and b!^*hslapped Nyanko hard.
“Never say that about my Mamo-chan!!” shouted FishEye, “We have to save him!”
“Yeah, and screw that meatball-head!” added Chibiusa, “I hope she’s the first one to get whacked! I want Mamo-chan all for ME!”
“Fine, leave that fine-looking Usagi for me…and her hot momma, too!” replied Helios.
“Chibiusa’s “Electra Complex” is getting WAY out of control,” said Hotaru.
“Not as much as Helios’ raging hormones,” added Artemis.
“He ain’t fooling us!” laughed Tomoe, “He’s a yaoi-boy no matter what he says or does! Muahahahahaha!!” Hotaru quickly joined in, laughing hysterically.
“So…without further ado…it’s time for a little overtime!” stated Morrigan. Fuming silently, Chibiusa led the way down the hall…and into Planet Hentai.
The scene switched, showing the outside of Planet Hentai as the Sporehunters were planning their next move. The line of excited anime characters waiting to get inside was impressive to say the least. They all stared at the huge scene before them…and facefaulted.
“Planet…Hentai?” asked Kakyuu, incredulously, “Is this place for real?!”
“And we’ve gotta go in there?” asked Leudast, “Sweet!” Seiya and Kakyuu promptly thwapped him.
“You know,” began Starcat as she stared up at the huge 3-story building, then down at her somewhat revealing costume. “Somehow I feel extremely under-dressed.”
“Mimete cosplayer-kun!!!” cried Tomoe as he lurched towards the TV. Haruka and Jedite grabbed him and pulled him back to the couch.
“Calm down, Professor pervert!” urged Jedite. Michiru just reached over and whacked Tomoe in the head.
“Look at that line-up!” exclaimed Adam, “There must be several hundred people in there!”
“Which reminds me,” began Wolfwood. Everyone watched as he removed his camo clothing, revealing a sleek maroon armani dress shirt, slacks, leather shoes, and shoulder and belt holsters for his weapons. Everyone stared at him in astonishment. “What?” he asked as he adjusted his shirt, “I just threw something together.” Kakyuu just rolled her eyes and groaned. “Hey, don’t hate the player…hate the game.”
“No, I’ll just hate the tailor,” remarked Jedite. Michiru glanced at Haruka.
“Don’t you have an outfit like that somewhere?” she asked.
“What the…?!” cried Haruka. She jumped to her feet and rushed upstairs to her room. “He stole my outfit!!” she shouted a minute later, “That b@$tard! He stole my f^%#ing outfit right outta my closet! I’ll get him for this!”
“Whoa!” cried Seiya, “I think I just saw Go-Go Yubari go inside!”
“Planet Hentai…!” sighed Jup.Knight and Wolfwood blissfully, staring up at the large set of armored double doors that led inside. The Gold Delmos from “Aika” stared right back at them all.
“Uh…Solarchos?” asked Starcat, “Are you okay? Your nose is leaking.” Solarchos quickly discovered that his nose was, in fact, bleeding a la Tenchi Masaki.
“F#%$!”, he hissed as he glanced around at the throngs of people waiting to enter, then at the Gold Delmos. Suniya saw him and winked right back. Solarchos gulped nervously. “Not good. Not good at all.”
Over the radio they could all hear the sound of Morrigan snickering.
“Are you all right?” asked Seiya. Solarchos ignored her and tried to regain his composure…then facefaulted big-time as Minnie-May Hopkins from “Gunsmith Cats” came outside and started talking to the Gold Delmos. The other Sporehunters also noticed that a few of the Black Delmos were starting to come towards them with curious expressions on their faces.
“Okay, we’ve got a problem,” explained Solarchos, “The Spores are inside and from what I’ve heard this place has a strict “no weapons” policy…”
“You look sort of pale there, Solarchos,” advised Kakyuu, “Leudast! Stop staring at Lum’s bikini! You’re MY b!^*h, remember?!”
“Going through the front doors isn’t going to work,” continued Solarchos, “So we need to come up with some kind of alternative. Any questions or suggestions?”
“Yeah,” said Jup.Knight, raising his hand, “Why’s your nose bleeding?”
“Man, what I wouldn’t give to get Hotaru inside this place!” exclaimed Wolfwood, happily, “Oh, the things we could do!”
“I thought you said you just watched her from afar?” asked Adam.
“Hey,” replied Wolfwood, “Those feelings I’ve got for Hotaru ain’t all spiritual, you know.”
Hotaru’s face turned bright red as she sweatdropped. Tomoe burst out laughing again. Haruka started with the faux-tears.
“Oh…our Hotaru’s growing up so fast!” cried Haruka.
“Yup, soon she’ll be going out every night and using home pregnancy tests every week,” added Jedite, “And THEN she’ll be joining the Sailor Senshi Hooker Hotline!” With a loud snarl Hotaru spun around and leapt at Jedite, tearing into him with the fury of a crack-head chimpanzee as she tried to beat the crap out of him.
“Sailor Senshi Hooker Hotline?!!” shouted Minako, “Why you…!!” Everyone else burst out laughing as Minako proceeded to help Hotaru in pummeling Jedite.
“Uhh…Miss Aensland?” began Starcat, speaking into the radio, “Do we really have to go in there?” Morrigan’s twisted laughter was her only reply. Meanwhile, Adam and Wolfwood were staring at Solarchos, a little concerned.
“Dude, are you hyperventilating there?” asked Wolfwood. Solarchos didn’t answer : he was too busy staring up at the fierce white-haired Delmo Toniya, the sweet-faced long-haired Suniya, and Minnie Hopkins. Suniya waved slyly, Toniya winked, and Minnie-May blew him a kiss. Solarchos’ normally pale complexion was starting to match Kakyuu’s hair.
“I think our intrepid leader’s gone bye-bye,” stated Adam.
“Oh my god, I just saw Ryoko go inside!” called out Seiya, “And Xelloss…and Allen from “Escaflowne”…and Cloud Strife…and Utena…and Heero from “Gundam Wing…”
“Holy crap, isn’t that Nabeshin down there?!” cried Leudast, pointing at the huge line which was now starting to slowly filter through the main doors. Seiya looked at the spot where Leudast was pointing.
“Dude! It is! The Afro-man himself!!” shouted Seiya.
“YES!!!” shouted Haruka, “Nabeshin is the SH!T, man!!!”
“Damn right!” added Artemis. Rei.bot nodded silently. Meanwhile, there was a loud whack from behind the couch that sounded like Jedite getting slapped hard.
“Man, the only way this could get any better is if I turned around and found myself staring right into some gals’ cleavage,” remarked Jup.Knight. He turned around…and found himself staring *directly * into the VERY low cut dress of Kaorinite.
“KAORI-KUN!!!” shrieked Tomoe as he threw himself at the TV, drooling. Haruka and Rei.bot managed to grab his legs and pull him back to the couch. Hotaru and Minako were preoccupied with giving Jedite an atomic wedgie.
“Shin’ne, you b@$t@rd!!!”, shouted Minako as she slowly pulled the back of Jedite’s underwear further and further up, much to Jedite’s dismay and displeasure.
“That’s it!” cried Hotaru angrily as she kept Jedite pinned to the floor, “Squeal like a pig! C’mon, squeal! Squeal!!! Squeeeeeeeeeee…!!!”
Kaorinite smiled slyly as she watched Jup.Knight’s face turn bright red.
“Well, I see you all made it this far,” she began, “Nicely done. You still haven’t managed to capture any of the targets, though.”
“We almost had them!” retorted Kakyuu, “Up until that pink b!^*h used that f#%$ing Lunaball…and Wolfwood tried to shoot Seiya!”
“Hey! That was an accident, dammit!” protested Wolfwood.
“Well, Solarchos, what are you going to do…besides stand there and bleed from your nose?” asked Kaorinite.
“Yeah, what’s up with that, anyway?” asked Adam.
“I told you,” explained Morrigan over the radio, “Solarchos suffers from “Tenchi Masaki Syndrome”. There’s something about him that girls find extremely cute, but he also suffers from the usual “side effect” of selective shyness. The cuter the girl – the more extreme the shyness. Well, let’s see you avoid a hot date here, chummer! Muahahahahaha!!!” Kaorinite quickly joined in with Morrigan’s laughter as she watched Solarchos blush even more.
“Look, can we just get off the topic of my social life and get back to the Sporehunt here?!” he exclaimed a moment later, “Jeez, Morrigan! You are SUCH a perv!”
“Well, I think I might be able to help you out with your current problem,” explained Kaorinite, “All of you need to get inside Planet Hentai in order to continue chasing after Chibiusa and her cronies. You’ve got two choices. You can either go up to the front door and actually try to overcome your shyness…” Kaorinite pointed up to the front doors where May Hopkins and the Gold Delmos were waiting. All of them were watching the SporeHunters curiously…and waved. Wolfwood, Leudast, Adam, and Jup.Knight waved back. Starcat, Seiya, and Kakyuu grumbled a little. Solarchos just blushed and sweatdropped.
“Of course, they’d have all of you check in your weapons at the door before entering,” continued Kaorinite, “And with all the gear some of you are wearing they’d probably physically search you, too.” For some reason Morrigan started cackling again.
“I could definitely go for a full pat-down from those girls,” offered Wolfwood.
“Me, too!” shouted Tomoe, “Search me! Search me!” He quickly stood up, faced the wall, and “assumed the position”.
“Same here!” added Haruka. She yelped painfully a moment later as Michiru quickly slugged her in the thigh for her “verbal indiscretion”.
“I’m not letting them take my precious plasma grenades!” exclaimed Starcat, “What’s the other option?”
“You’re only other option is a little more difficult,” elaborated Kaorinite, “There’s a secret entrance that goes through the Tokyo underground. It’s mainly used by the owners and by special guests to avoid the crowds. It’ll be easier for you to get in there with your weapons if you go that way.”
“All right,” replied Solarchos without hesitation, “We’ll take that back door you’re talking about. Lead on.”
C-Pov – the edge of an empty hallway inside Planet Hentai. Zoicite was carefully looking around the corner at the door to the men’s room. A moment later Ataru Moroboshi walked out with his usual perverted grin and burning lust for any halfway decent girl. Giggling a little, he turned and headed back towards the party.
“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.
“Whoa, isn’t that Lum’s lecher boyfriend?” whispered Nyanko, “Why aren’t I surprised to see him here.”
“Okay, let’s just wait a minute for him to walk away, then we’ll…” began Helios.
“Uhhh…where’s Chibiusa?” asked FishEye. Everyone looked around, then down the passage towards Ataru. “Oh sh!t!! Not again!!!”
Ataru let out a strangled squeal as Chibiusa jumped onto him from behind, wrapping a long length of very thin metal wire around his neck. Grinning evilly, her eyes flashing bright red, Chibiusa leaned back hard, pulling the wire as tightly against Ataru’s throat as possible. Ataru began struggling wildly, but it was too late as Chibiusa began yanking the wire back and forth and side to side. A few seconds later Ataru Moroboshi’s head popped off, spraying blood everywhere from his ruptured jugular veins. He collapsed lifeless ( and headless ) to the ground.
“Ahhhhh!! Ahhhhh!! Oh my goddess!!!” screamed Tomoe. Artemis and Rei.bot just stared in horror at the brutality of Chibiusa’s assault.
“HOLY SH!T, that RULED!!!” screamed Haruka, “That f^#$ing ruled!”
“Kill that horny son of a b!^*h!” shouted Michiru, “Ooo-hohohohohoho!”
“Lum will be most pissed,” intoned Rei.bot.
Nyanko stared at Ataru’s headless body…then threw up.
“Oh my goddess, that’s so disgusting!” shouted FishEye.
“What I’d like to know is where the hell she got that wire in the first place,” said Zoicite. NakoNako was busy poking Ataru’s corpse.
“Kupi?” she asked as she prodded his leg. Meanwhile, Chibiusa picked up Ataru’s head and proudly held it up like a trophy.
“O-hohohohohohohoho!!!” she laughed with manic glee.
“Babe, that’s just f#%&ed up,” commented Helios. Morrigan just laughed over the radio.
“Beautiful, kid!” called out Morrigan, “You’re really getting the audience off, Chibiusa!”
“No she’s not!” retorted Hotaru, “She’s freaking the living hell out of us!”
“No sh!t,” added Michiru.
“Chibiusa’s psychosis has now fully manifested,” said Haruka, “I say we forego committing her to the nuthouse and just kill her now.”
“Great, now she’s the Hannibal Lector of jailbait,” commented Artemis.
“Maybe the SporeHunters will save us the trouble,” said Tomoe.
“I would recommend…summary execution…” intoned Rei.bot, “Whack her. Whack her good.”
Just then a Black Delmo looked around the corner to see who the hell was making some much noise. She blanched as she caught sight of the Spores…and Ataru’s head in Chibiusa’s hands.
“Oh f#^%!!!” she cried. The black-clad girl immediately spun on her heel and ran down the hall. “Hey! It’s them! It’s them! Do it to her!” Chibiusa sweatdropped.
“Ah dammit!” hissed Zoicite as he and the rest of the Spores began chasing after the Black Delmo.
C-Pov – Usagi sitting helpless and tied up in a chair. The two Black Delmos standing near her suddenly tensed up as they heard the third girl screaming. Without a word, the two girls grabbed Usagi and pulled her over to the two doors. Despite the gag in her mouth, Usagi began wailing.
“Let’s see,” mumbled one of the girls as she tried to figure out which door to shove the wailing Usagi through. One was marked “Yuri”, the other was marked “Yaoi”. “Eenie…meenie…mynie…” She smiled wickedly at Usagi. Usagi looked back at her, shaking her head desperately. “Hey Moe!!!” The Black Delmo reached over and yanked a previously unseen rope hanging from the ceiling. A trap-door in front of Usagi suddenly opened…and a large clutch of writhing, wriggling tentacles suddenly burst out, wrapped around Usagi, and yanked her out of sight. Then Usagi REALLY began screaming. Morrigan just laughed her ass off.
The scene switched again, showing the Spores’ reactions as they heard everything. They had no idea what was happening to Usagi, but from the loud wailing, deep groaning, and fabric ripping they heard coming from her it sounded like Usagi was suffering terribly. Then the audio cut out ( as the trapdoor shut ).
“I told you what would happen if they saw you,” explained Morrigan, still snickering, “They heard. She got it. Life’s a b^!*h.”
“That’s okay!” chirped Chibiusa, “Now I’ve got Mamo-chan all to me!” Chibiusa burst out laughing while everyone else just sweatdropped.
“Damn, she rebounded from that pretty quickly,” commented Tomoe.
“Show the footage! Show the tentacle-action!” shouted Michiru, “We wanna see! We wanna see…!” It was Haruka’s turn to thwap Michiru.
The scene switched, showing the SporeHunters and Kaorinite as they got into a large elevator and started riding it down.
“Whoa,” commented Jup.Knight, “Where the heck did this thing come from?”
“Do elevators just pop up everywhere in Tokyo?” asked Adam.
“Actually, this is an Animamate cargo teleporter,” explained Kaorinite as she put on a cool pair of sunglasses, “It functions on the same principles as their teleport booths. Now, as you know no weapons are allowed inside Planet Hentai. At the bottom of this elevator there is a coat-check girl and, if you’re lucky, one recycled monster-of-the-day for checking guns.”
“And if we’re unlucky?” asked Seiya.
“There will be many recycled monsters-of-the-day,” replied Kaorinite. Suddenly, the doors opened, revealing a room flanked by rows of pillars. On the far side of the room was a large desk and a wall stacked with huge amounts of weapons, mostly guns and swords. Standing near the desk were about five daimons and phages ( Nakoneeru, Sailor Mademoiselle, Sailor Pretty, Sailor Picture, and Doorknobda ). A second later cute little Mil from “Maze” stepped up with her kawaii colorful ( and scanty ) outfit and a smile.
“Hi, may I take your…?” she began, then she saw the SporeHunters, “Oh crap!” Wolfwood quickly grabbed Mil and yanked her inside the elevator, shoving her into Kaorinite’s grasp as the rest of the SporeHunters quickly rushed out. Solarchos, Jup.Knight, and Seiya all leveled their weapons and began firing, blowing Doorknobda totally away. The background music started up as the gunfight began ( “Coat-check Chaos” from the Matrix – Revolutions soundtrack ).
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” cried Haruka, “Smoke ‘em!”
“Matrix-style gunfight in progress Jedite!” shouted Tomoe, “Quit playing Twister with Minako and my daughter and get your butt out here!”
“We are NOT playing Twister!!” shouted Minako as she and Hotaru stood up. Jedite stood up, too, with his underwear now up around his stomach.
“Matrix-style gunfight?!” demanded Jedite, “Where?” Everyone pointed at the TV. Jedite climbed over the couch and sat back down. “Oh hell yes!”
Nakoneru and the phages all scattered, ducking behind the pillars or jumping up onto the ceiling. The SporeHunters all glanced at each other, then spread out and began kicking @$$.
Dashing across the walls and ceiling, Nekoneru charged at them, weaving left and right as bullets and laser blasts cut around her. Solarchos tossed his shotgun to Starcat, then pivoted around and emptied his MA5B’s current clip into Sailor Pretty. Wolfwood and Seiya joined in, catching Sailor Pretty in a 3-way crossfire that quickly took her down.
Starcat caught the shotgun and began firing at Nekoneru, blasting the neko-daimon with 12-gauge rubber solid-slugs that hit like sledge-hammers. Nekoneru cried out as Starcat nailed her with a direct hit to her side. Falling to the ground, the daimon was easy prey for Adam and Leudast, who quickly dispatched her with their swords.
“Shutter click!” shouted Sailor Picture as she opened fire with her attack, firing an energy beam at the SporeHunters and blowing an appreciable dent into one of the walls. Jup.Knight and Kakyuu both returned fire at the Phage. Sailor Picture yelped painfully as several bullets and laser blasts cut into her. She quickly jumped onto the ceiling and began flipping backwards, avoiding the rest of Kakyuu’s and Jup.Knight’s shots as they both emptied their weapons at her. Sailor Picture jumped back to the ground and spun around behind one of the pillars…and subsequently got her head blown off by a direct-contact blast from Wolfwood’s Desert Eagle.
Sailor Mademoiselle attacked Starcat directly, knocking the shotgun out of her hands and attempting to whack her with her whip. Starcat ducked aside, evading the whip, and lashed out at the Phage with her elbow blades. Mademoiselle dodged aside easily, flipping acrobatically onto the ceiling. Starcat leapt into the air with a “Matrix-style slow-motion kick” and slammed her foot into the Phage’s face, sending her flying backward into the wall. Mademoiselle fell to the ground and staggered to her feet…only to find the SporeHunters dashing for cover. She looked down…and saw the Covenant plasma grenade Starcat had slapped onto her.
“Aww, FUGNUTS!!!” screamed Sailor Mademoiselle. A second later the plasma grenade went off, instantly transforming her into Sailor McNuggets. Starcat faced the camera again and flashed the V-sign, smiling.
“Explodey-dodie-odie!” she called out.
“That was fun!” exclaimed Kakyuu, “Can we do that again?!”
“Nicely done,” commented Morrigan over the radio, “Wolfwood, that blast to that Phage’s head was just golden! Keep it up! I’m getting some great footage here.” Meanwhile, Solarchos reloaded and took a look through a doorway that led to some stairs going up.
“Okay, these stairs go up to the main floor of Planet Hentai,” he explained, “That’s primarily the dance floor, the restaurant, the kitchen, the karaoke rooms, the fighting pit, and the games. Hopefully, we can get to the main staircase without getting spotted. We don’t want to start a fight in here.”
“Oh, speaking of starting fights,” stated Morrigan over the radio, “I had some standard “Sporehunt care packages” put behind the desk there. One’s for Kakyuu, one’s for Leudast, and the plastic case is for you.” Kakyuu, Leudast, and Solarchos went to get the care packages while the other SporeHunters began checking out all the cool weapons hanging on the walls.
The packages all contained the usual things ( cufftape, equipment harness, flashlight, knife, and some cash ) but Leudast also got a Point-Blank heavy Kevlar armor vest and a steel-cored tonfa like Wolfwood while Kakyuu got a stainless steel combat fan, a compound bow, and a small package of arrows.
Solarchos opened the case. Lying inside on a foam-rubber bed was a large rifle that looked vaguely like an AK-47 due to its slightly curved ammo clip. The barrel was huge; it looked like the rifle fired 20mm bullets. The whole gun was rather large, slightly bulky, probably armored, and looked extremely powerful. It also featured a laser sight mounted along the top of the barrel and a variable-power sniper scope. Solarchos picked it up and the two extra clips of ammunition. He ejected the clip currently loaded and cleared the chamber- the bullet he ejected was as big as a shotgun shell and was topped with a sharp-pointed cap that looked like it could punch through armor like paper. Big as the rifle was, Solarchos carried it quite easily.
“I figured you could use the extra firepower,” explained Morrigan, “You can thank me later!”
“Damn!” exclaimed Jedite, “Do you see the size of that hand-cannon? It’s bigger than he is!”
“Now that’s what I call a “world shaker”!” commented Haruka.
“Doesn’t that thing violate a few arms-limitation treaties out there?” asked Hotaru.
“That Solarchos must be a member of the NBA to get a hold of a gun like that,” remarked Minako. Artemis sweatdropped at Minako’s statement.
“What’s he going to do with that thing?” asked Michiru, “Vaporize Chibiusa and her cronies?” She suddenly became very silent and her eyes widened as she realized something. “OH HELL YES!!!”
“Yeah, he’s gonna strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy his brothers!” cried Tomoe, “And Chibiusa will know his name is the Lord…!”
“When he lays his vengeance on her!!!” screamed Jedite and Haruka.
“Damn! What the hell kinda gun is that?!” asked Wolfwood as he stared at Solarchos’ new rifle.
“Long story,” replied Solarchos, “I’ll tell you about it later.”
“Hey, if you’ve got that thing, can I use your shotgun?” asked Starcat, hopefully. Solarchos nodded and handed her his shotgun bandoleer. In the meantime Kakyuu was happily examining her new weapons while Leudast put on his new armor vest.
“And Morrigan said we could actually KEEP all this stuff afterwards?” said Kakyuu, excitedly, “This is awesome!”
“Yeah, Sporehunt rules!” exclaimed Leudast.
“You got that right!” replied Seiya as she high-fived Leudast.
“All right, let’s keep moving,” announced Solarchos as he finished loading up. The SporeHunters quickly went up the stairs. At the top there was a door and through it they could hear the distinct sounds of loud, thumping music. A few of them started moving their heads to the beat.
“Damn, that sounds like a kick@$$ party going on the other side,” commented Jup.Knight.
“Is everyone ready?” asked Solarchos. The guys all nodded eagerly. The girls didn’t look quite as excited. Solarchos sighed deeply; his hand rested on the doorknob.
“OPEN IT!” screamed Tomoe, “Open it, you pantywaist!!!”
“Turn it…turn it…turn it…!” chanted Jedite, Haruka, and Artemis. Hotaru and Minako shook their heads and sighed.
C-Pov – down towards the doors leading into the main area of the club. The doors opened, and the SporeHunters quickly filed through. Everyone stared in amazement at the scene around them…
At the home of the Suburban Senshi there was a loud moan and then silence as they ALL stared at the TV, utterly mesmerized by the scene.
”Oh…my…god,” gasped Jedite after a few seconds.
“IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL!” shrieked Tomoe, “Muahahahahahaha!!!”
“Cover your eyes,” warned Michiru.
“Yeah, do it Hotaru,” added Haruka. Michiru turned and looked at Haruka.
“I’m not talking to Hotaru,” growled Michiru. Haruka just sweatdropped.
“Uhh…Hotaru-chan, are you all right?” asked Minako. Hotaru was even paler than usual and blood was trickling from her nose.
The inside of Planet Hentai was the stuff of every fanboy’s dreams ( and probably a few fangirls, too ). The camera rotated around to view everything as the next song began playing ( “In My Head” by Pale 3 from the “Matrix – Revolutions” soundtrack ). The interior of Planet Hentai was huge, with split levels, flashing lights, neon signs, and lots and LOTS of hentai memorabilia that made all of the SporeHunters sweatdrop. Most of the first floor was dominated by a large dance floor over which numerous go-go dance cages were suspended. On the other side of the dance floor were a couple of stages. On one stage Planet Hentai’s resident band, Priss and the Replicants, were jamming away hard. The other stage was the realm of the club’s exotic dancers : the were-jaguar from “Gold-Digger” was currently grooving and gyrating to the delight of dozens in an outfit that left absolutely *nothing * to the imagination.
“Whoa! What on earth is keeping that outfit on that were-jaguar?!” asked Haruka.
“Uhmm, the eyes of every fanboy in the place?” offered Artemis.
The dance floor was quite well-packed with schoolgirls, biker-boys, bishonen, and anime characters galore, all of them intent on bumping, grinding, and getting their freaks on all night long. Dancing the night away in the Go-Go cages were Naomi Armitage, Shayla-Shayla from “El Hazard”, Washuu, Faye Valentine from “Cowboy Bebop”, TigerEye, Aerith Gainsbrough from “Final Fantasy 7”, and much to everyone’s surprise, Yaten, Taiki, and Ami Muzino. Out on the dance floor they managed to recognize Filia and Sylphiel from “Slayers”, the sexy Mad Hatter from “Clamp’s Miyuki-chan In Wonderland”, Tira Misu, Yohko Mano from “Mamono Hunter Yohko”, Marron Glaces, Zechs Merquise from “Gundam Wing”, Dee Layter and Ryo Maclaine from “Fake!”, Nuriko from “Fushigi Yugi” ( who, oddly enough, seemed NOT out of place in here ) and all of the Witches 5 and the Animamates ( with the obvious exception of Tin Nyanko ). They were just a few recognizable faces amongst several hundred.
“What the f%$#??!!” screamed Kakyuu, “What are Yaten and Taiki doing here?!”
“I don’t believe this!” shouted Seiya, “Those bungholes said they were going out of town for a special appearance!”
“Uhhh…they’re sure making an appearance here, that’s for sure,” replied Wolfwood. A moment later they ALL sweatdropped big-time as they watched the were-jaguar get off the stage and Galaxia herself got on.
Tomoe began bouncing in his seat.
“Look!” he cried, “Mimette-kun!!! Shake it, baby!”
“All of the Witches 5 are there!” replied Haruka, “Wow! Cyprine and Pikurol are groovin’!”
“I have to admit that Eudial’s got a pretty good body on her,” said Jedite.
“Holy sh!t!” screamed Artemis, “Galaxia got back!”
“What the f^%# is Ami doing in that place?!” demanded Hotaru, “She gets embarrassed when *other * people watch other people kissing!”
“Yeah, she’s more shy and geekier than you!” added Minako. Hotaru glared at her, then thwapped Minako upside the head.
Nearby were the booth-seats and tables of the restaurant, and the well-endowed girls of “Variable Geo” were roller-skating all over the place as waitresses. Adam barely managed to avoid getting run over by the skateboarding bunny-girl from “Wonderland” as she sped by. Everyone else stared at the various clientele in the restaurant. Misato Katsuragi from “Evangelion” and Melissa Mao from “Full Metal Panic” were bellying-up on sake, Happosai was happily swiping the panties off of Yurika Misumaru from “Nadesico” ( and she didn’t seem to mind that much ), and Miaka from “Fushigi Yugi” and Lina Inverse were in the middle of a catfight over food while Tasuki, Chichiri, Carrot Glaces, Hotohori, Gourry, Xelloss, Tetsuya Kagibara, Tamahome, and Keisuke Yuuki were all watching and cheering on. Again, they were just a few of the recognizable faces amongst many.
“Oh my…!” gasped Tomoe as the camera focused on the catfight between Miaka and Lina for several seconds, “Oh my…! Where is this great and wonderful place?!”
“Oooo! Miaka just b!^*hslapped Lina!” called out Artemis.
“Very unwise,” intoned Rei.bot.
“Most dishonorable,” added Michiru. Everyone began either cringing in sympathy or laughing hysterically as Lina grabbed Miaka in a headlock, grabbed a steak, and began shoving the entire thing into Miaka’s mouth.
“…Eat it, you b!^*h!!” screamed Lina, “Eat it! Eat it! Every bite! Oh-hohohohohohohoho!!!” Tomoe immediately joined in with her.
The SporeHunters glanced over at the area opposite of the restaurant…and facefaulted. This was the “fun zone”, containing the Jell-O fighting pit ( where the Space Pirate Ryoko was currently taking on Utena ) and numerous games of “skill”. Jyako Amano was playing the Mokona Malleting game, Vash, Rally Vincent, and Gene Starwind were playing the “Plug the Puuchuu” game ( with real Puuchuu’s, by the way…and live ammo ), Duo Maxwell and Shinji Ikari were having the times of their lives playing “Spank the Senshi”, Valgarv and Kaiba Seto were having fun playing “Pin the Spear on the Lilith”, but the most fun was being had running the Naughty Tentacle Obstacle Course…and in it Mihoshi was NOT having much luck, much to everyone else’s delight.
“SPANK THE SENSHI??!!” screamed everyone in the Suburban Senshi den. Even Rei.bot looked surprised.
“YES!!” screamed Jedite as he saw that Venus and Saturn were the one’s being spanked in the game, “Oh hell yes!!” He and Tomoe began headbanging moments later. Minako and Hotaru made record-breaking face-faults.
“I am not amused,” said Michiru, flatly.
“Spank the Senshi?!” exclaimed Haruka, “Dude, that is f#%$ed up more than anything that has ever been f#%$ed up before!”
“I AM NOT A SEX SYMBOL!!!” screamed Hotaru, “Why do people keep putting me into all kinds of ecchi situations usually wearing only a string bikini, dammit?!” Minako just stared at the TV.
“I think Minako’s brain melted-down,” called out Artemis.
“She never had much of a brain to meltdown in the first place, cat,” replied Jedite.
“Holy crap!” cried Seiya, “The Spores could be anywhere in where!”
“We need to split up and start searching,” replied Jup.Knight, raising his voice over the noise.
“No way!” retorted Solarchos, “We’ve got to stick together in here and not get separated! Otherwise, we might now be able to find each other again.”
“Damn!!” shouted Leudast as he stared out at one of the nearby booths, “It’s Princess Fatora and Arielle Relraye from “EL Hazard”…and they’re making out right here!!!”
“Dang, man, you’re not kidding!” cried Wolfwood. Kakyuu’s face turned bright, luminous red.
“LEUDAST!” she screamed as she b!^*hslapped him from behind, “*I’m * the only princess you’re allowed to look at!” Suddenly she and Starcat made shocked expressions as Happosai suddenly dashed by…holding both of their panties in his hands.
“Heavenly feminine treasures!!!” he proclaimed as he bounded through the crowds. Starcat and Kakyuu immediately chased after him, and Leudast went along involuntarily as Kakyuu’s hand was latched on to his ear.
“Come back here with our panties, you freak!!” screamed Kakyuu and Starcat.
“AAAAaaaaaaahhhh! Let go of my ear…!” cried Leudast as the three of them vanished into the crowds.
“Uhhh…are we ever going to see them again?” asked Seiya.
“Crap! Not good!” stated Solarchos. He sighed and took a deep breath. “All right, we’re going after them. Let’s go.”
Staying together in one group, Solarchos, Jup.Knight, Wolfwood, Adam, and Seiya began maneuvering onto the dance floor, keeping their weapons concealed and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible ( under the circumstances ). They were successful…for about three seconds. By that time they were almost at the stages.
“Wolfwood-sama! Solarchos-sama!” screamed someone. Both Wolfwood and Solarchos looked over to see a blur of white coming at them like a Skud missile. A moment later Iron Mouse latched onto both of their legs and held on tight, hugging both of them and smiling. “Mmmmm, my two favorite boy-toys have finally come for me!” she sang happily.
“Ahhhhh!” screamed Seiya, pointing at Iron Mouse, “It’s the psycho Sailor-stalker!” Wolfwood began to panic.
“Hey! Get offa me, Nezu!” cried Wolfwood as he tried to pull away from Iron Mouse, “I can’t be seen with you!”
“What?!” demanded Iron Mouse, “Are you saying that hot, torrid night you and I spent together meant nothing to you?!” Jup.Knight started having problems of his own as someone grabbed him from behind.
“Love me, dammit!” screamed Asuka Langley from “Evangelion” as she threw herself at Jup.Knight.
“Oh sh!t!” he screamed, “It’s the Eva Angst-Addict! Somebody help me!” Adam stared at him and recoiled a little, then happened to look up…and sweatdropped.
C-Pov – Up towards the light-rigging over the stages. Rikkuo and Paine had just finished tying a banner onto it. They glanced at each other, nodded, and let it fall open. The banner proudly proclaimed “Planet Hentai Welcomes Sporehunt!”. Tifa Lockhart was busy hanging a life-size Chibiusa plushie from a noose while Yuna, Kei, and Yuri saluted it like the national flag.
Solarchos looked up and saw what was going on. He began to facefault, then events happening on the stage caught his attention.
Galaxia had finished “struttin’ her stuff” and the next dancer came out. She was a lean, trim girl with a creamy complexion, athletic body, fine white hair that fell to her shoulders, and large lavender eyes. Her cat-like ears and long tail instantly identified her as a Neko-girl. She was wearing a too-tight schoolgirl uniform and moved with a grace and dexterity no human could ever hope to match. Solarchos stared at her, mesmerized as she began to twirl and dance around the stage. Then the cat-girl began to start removing her uniform.
“Neh, cat-girl,” said Hotaru with a little contempt.
“Whoa! Take it off, baby!” cried Tomoe as he whipped out a bunch of yen bills.
“Now I know why the youma were all attracted to schoolgirls,” said Jedite, “There’s just something about a cat-girl in a school uniform!” Then there was a small thud as Artemis caught sight of the cat-girl loosening her sailor-top…and promptly fainted.
“Whoa! Isn’t that Shaldra?” asked Seiya.
“Who?” retorted Adam.
“Shaldra Darkness! From the forums!” explained Seiya, “I didn’t know she worked here.” In the background the amorous Asuka had brought Jup.Knight to his knees while Iron Mouse was still clinging to Wolfwood’s leg ( much to his dismay ).
“*That’s * Shaldra?!” replied Solarchos, “That’s her?!” His expression was one of complete surprise.
“What? What’s wrong?” asked Adam, “You’ve spoken with her before on the forums.”
“Yeah, but I had NO idea…!!” replied Solarchos as he kept watching Shaldra, unable to take his eyes off her. The cat-girl looked back, saw Solarchos staring at her, gave him a wink and blew a kiss. Solarchos’ nose instantly began bleeding again.
“Yo!!” cried Sailor Heavy Metal Pappillon as she watched the proceedings, “Hey everybody! We’ve got a “Tenchi” on the floor!” She was pointing directly at Solarchos, who immediately facefaulted.
“It’s a set-up!!” he shouted, “Ready weapons!” Seiya and Adam gave him a funny look; Jup.Knight and Wolfwood were preoccupied. Solarchos whipped out his Ares Predator and aimed it at the crowds surrounding them. Just then he noticed what was happening up on the stage.
Shaldra was having a few problems of her own as Maze ( in male form ), Ryo Saeba, and Rei Hino’s grandfather were all grabbing onto her tail and pulling her towards them.
“Ow! Dammit! Let go!” she screamed, “My tail is NOT a handle!” Without a second thought Solarchos barged his way through the crowd towards the stage.
“Oh yeah, baby!” called out Tomoe, “Spank that cat-girl! Kitty’s been naughty!”
“You know,” commented Hotaru, “With all that grooving going on I’m kinda surprised Austin Powers isn’t there. That looks like his kinda place.”
“Groovy, bay-bee! Yeah!” cried Tomoe.
“What the…?!” shouted Minako, “What’s Rei’s grandfather doing there?!” Haruka shrugged.
“Are you kidding?” she replied, “The man’s such a pervert I’d be surprised if he WASN’T there.”
“Here’s an ugly thought,” said Michiru, “What is some of her grandfather’s ecchiness actually rubbed off on her?”
“Oh, it has,” replied Jedite, shuddering a little, “Trust me, it has!”
The scene switched, showing Ryo Saeba’s leering face as they slowly but surely pulled the fine-looking cat-girl towards them…then he facefaulted as he turned to see Solarchos pointing his pistol right at his face.
“Let her go right now!” ordered Solarchos. Ryo and Maze quickly complied. Rei’s grandfather, however, leapt onto the stage and glomped Shaldra’s leg. The cat-girl staggered back, lost her balance, and tumbled right off the stage…
Right into the arms of Solarchos. He blushed big-time as he caught Shaldra.
“Huh?” yelped Shaldra as she quickly looked around, realizing what had happened. Then she looked at Solarchos. “My hero! Thanks, Solar!” Solarchos just nodded weakly and continued to bleed from his nose.
Rei’s grandfather, however, laughed pervertedly and continued to glomp Shaldra’s leg.
“Get offa Shaldra, you freak!” shouted Seiya as she and the rest of the SporeHunters rushed over. With a huge whack, Jup.Knight nailed Rei’s grandfather with his bat, sending the midget-pervert catapulting over the crowds…where he landed in the middle of the Naughty Tentacle Obstacle Course. He didn’t last long after that.
On top of the light-rigging Rikkuo held up a scorecard – 9.7 Paine held up a second card – 9.6 Next to Paine Happosai held up…Paine’s panties.
“Hold it right there!” called out an authoritative voice that was easily heard over the crowds and music. Standing before the SporeHunters was a tall, gorgeously well-endowed girl with lots of red-hair, a skimpy AD Police uniform, and barcodes on her arms and forehead. Her violet eyes flashed angrily as she saw the weapons the SporeHunters carried. Arrayed on her sides were the numerous Black Delmos and Minnie-May Hopkins. All of them were smirking.
“WHOA!!! She’s a babe!!” screamed Tomoe as he stared at the red-head’s huge, giggling bosoms which put Naga’s and Kaorinite’s to shame, “Come to papa!!”
“Damn!!” cried Jedite, “She makes Rei.bot look like nothing! Forget you, Rei.bot.” Rei.bot just smirked a little…and gave him the finger. Haruka just stared silently at the scene, her head tilting slightly.
“Oh great,” grumbled Hotaru, “I think Haruka-poppa’s brain is gone.”
“I can fix that!” snarled Michiru. The echo created by Michiru’s hand connecting with Haruka’s face seemed to last forever…as did Haruka’s agonized scream.
“Oh, hi Pandemonium,” said Shaldra, waving nervously. Wolfwood, Adam, and Jup.Knight all gawked at the girl. Or rather, her huge…tracts of land.
“You got in here with unlicensed weapons AND without submitting to a standard administrative search!” declared Pandemonium, “And you all look like suspicious otaku, too! Naughty tentacles of justice…DEPLOY!” Adam, Seiya, Shaldra, Wolfwood, and Jup.Knight all stared in horror are long mechanical tentacles extended out of the short sleeves of Pandemonium’s outfit. She took one step forward…and froze as a scintillating orange laser-dot focused on her forehead.
C-Pov – a few feet next to Solarchos as he aimed his new rifle directly at Pandemonium’s head.
“All right, you Sexaroid Hyperboomer bimbo,” he stated, “This thing fires 20mm, rocket-propelled, fin-stabilized, shaped-charge, mass-reactive, high-explosive, armor-piercing, depleted-uranium rounds and will crack open that titanium skull of yours like a frelling *cantelope *!!”
“Wow, he got all that in one breath,” remarked Haruka.
“Impressive,” added Jedite.
Pandemonium’s brow twitched a little as Solarchos aimed down at her chest.
“Now, retract those tentacles of yours and back off,” ordered Solarchos. By now the other SporeHunters had their guns out and were aiming at the Black Delmos closing in around them. Just then the Delmos were pulled aside by a group of rather mismatched people – an angry-looking Elf girl with a big-@$$ spatula for a weapon, a guy that looked like a red-haired version of Gourry from “Slayers”, a girl in a rather tight-fitting red one-piece bikini with lavender hair and a nasty smirk ( she looked a little like Ryozaki Umi from “Magic Knights Rayearth” ), a guy that looked like Trunks from “DBZ”…only he was wearing a sailor fuku, and a guy that looked a little bit like Duo Maxwell from “Gundam Wing” brandishing a katana. Pandemonium smiled as she noticed the newcomers.
“Who are these guys?” asked Wolfwood.
“The Fanboys,” replied Solarchos, “Some of them, at least. They’re animefans just like us and Planet Hentai’s their place. I can’t believe Morrigan actually led us here!” Suddenly a voice boomed out over the music. Silence filled Planet Hentai a moment later.
“Quelle bonne surprise, n’est pas?” called out a girl’s voice from the shadows of one of the upper floors, “Who would’ve guessed we’d finally be able to meet in a place like this. Tell me, how many bullets are there in your guns? I don’t know, but I don’t think you have enough.”
“I’d like to know what kinda gun that is,” asked the Fanboy who looked like Duo, motioning towards Solarchos’ rifle, “That thing looks cool!” Pandemonium thwapped him…hard.
“Shaddup, Carnage!” she snapped. Shaldra followed up by kicking him in the shin.
“We’re not here to fight you,” called back Solarchos.
“Oh, I’m sure you’re not,” replied the girl from above, “But you’ve certainly fought through hell to get here, haven’t you? I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Put down your weapons and I’ll grant you safe passage through Planet Hentai.”
“For all of us?” asked Jup.Knight.
“Oh yes,” replied the girl, giggling a little, “Yes, of course!” The SporeHunters glanced at Solarchos, who reluctantly reslung his rifle onto his shoulder. The others followed suit. The Fanboys and the Black Delmos closed in around them and started herding them all up the nearest flight of stairs to the balcony above. Shaldra followed and the party continued as if nothing had happened.
“All right, a little Matrix stuff going on,” commented Haruka.
“So who’s running that place? A perved-out version of the French guy?” asked Michiru.
“Maybe it’s a perved-out version of Neo?” offered Minako. Jedite and Tomoe burst out laughing.
“Whoa,” intoned Rei.bot.
“I know poon-tang!” added Tomoe.
The SporeHunters reached the top of the stairs and were quickly brought before a rather well-appointed booth. Seated in between Sophia from “Battle Arena Toshinden” and Megumi Amano was a girl who looked strikingly like Rei Hino. Standing off to the side was the “Golden Boy” himself, Kintaro.
Meanwhile, at home, the Suburban Senshi all face-faulted big time when they saw the girl.
“No!” exclaimed Minako, shaking her head back and forth in total disbelief, “No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!”
“That CAN’T be Rei Hino! It just can’t be!” added Michiru.
“Search your feelings! You know it to be true!” stated Jedite, ominously ( a la Darth Vader ).
“Noooooooooo!” wailed Minako. Hotaru squinted at the TV.
“That looks more like the female Maze instead of Rei Hino,” she called out, “Or maybe a really ecchi Slyphielle?”
The girl smiled broadly as the SporeHunters were brought to her.
“Havoc,” said Solarchos, nodding slightly.
“Who’s that?” asked Wolfwood.
“Lord Havoc,” replied Shaldra, “The owner of Planet Hentai. The Hentenno, the epitome of ecchi, the Fuhrer of fanservice, and the Mister Thang of the almighty poon-tang. He’s the boss here.”
“He?” asked Adam, “But all I see is a Rei Hino lookalike sitting there.”
“Are you saying…?” began Seiya. Shaldra sighed and nodded.
“Yup,” she explained, “Havoc’s a guy by day but a girl by night. He’s apparently been like that ever since he stole the cursed panties of Torajima from “Dragon Pink”. Bottom line, he’s got a gender-bender curse on him.” The SporeHunters all face-faulted.
“Aha, here he is at last,” began Lord ( er, Lady ) Havoc, “Solarchos. L’ange sans ailes si beau qu’il me fait souffrir!” Solarchos brow-twitched a little. “I have heard so much, you all honor me. Please, sit, join us.” The SporeHunters all sat down in the chairs and seats available. Pandemonium and some of the other Fanboys sat down as well, as did Minnie-May Hopkins, who was eyeing the SporeHunter’s weapons eagerly. “You’ve already met Pandemonium,” continued Havoc, “And over there is my sister Anarchy…” She pointed to “Ryuzaki”. “And my other associates Demolition ( the red-head Gourry ), Sarcasm ( the surly-looking elven girl ), Carnage, and Chaos ( the fuku-wearing “Trunks” ). The rest of my circle of friends are elsewhere. Apparently, Planet Hentai is just too much for them to handle. Something to eat? Drink? Fondle? Grope?”
The SporeHunters sweatdropped a little.
“Uhhh…I think we’ll pass,” said Wolfwood.
“Yes, of course,” replied Havoc as she ran her hand up Sophia’s thigh, “Who has the time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time how can we ever have time?” She grabbed her glass and took a sip. “Chateau Haut-Brion 1959, magnificent wine, I love French wine…”
“Uhh…Havoc,” whispered Kintaro, “That’s cherry Coke.” Havoc ignored him.
“I love the French language, fantastic language, especially to curse with. Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d’encule de ta mere! You see, it’s like wiping your butt with a schoolgirl’s silk panties. I love it!” By now EVERYONE was sweatdropping a little.
“You know why we’re here,” said Solarchos.
“Oh yes,” replied Havoc, “The great Sporehunt! It’s been the talk of the whole town for a while now. But that is not a reason, that is not a “why”. The Sporehunt itself, its very nature, is a means, not an end, and so, to look for them is to be looking for a means to do…what?”
“Uhhh…to beat the everloving sh!t out of Chibiusa?” offered Jup.Knight.
“Yeah, that’s kinda what I figure this is all about,” added Shaldra.
“Havoc-bro,” began Anarchy, “What the f#^% are you talking about?”
“I think you need to take those panties off your head so you can listen to what you’re saying,” added Sarcasm, “You sound like a complete idiot.” Havoc wasn’t paying attention. She leaned out across Megumi’s lap and stared over the balcony railing out onto the dance floor below.
C-Pov – the camera focused on and zoomed in on none other than Mihoshi herself.
“BANG!!!” shouted Hotaru, “Sniper rifle bullet through the skull!”
“We wish,” sighed Jedite, “Oh, how we wish.” Haruka suddenly began to get excited.
“Oh yeah,” she began, “Oh yeah! This is it! This is it! Here come…the PIE!”
“Look there,” began Havoc, pointing at Mihoshi as she gorged herself in the restaurant section, “Kami-sama look at her. Affecting everyone around her, so obvious, so bourgeois, so boring…”
“So clumsy…so mindless,” commented Jedite.
“Just like Neo Queen Serenity!” added Tomoe. Hotaru and Minako nodded in agreement.
“But wait,” continued Havoc, “Watch. You see, I have sent her dessert, a very special dessert.” Mihoshi perked up as one of the Variable Geo waitresses brought her a big piece of chocolate mousse pie which Mihoshi promptly proceeded to devour. “I had it done up myself. It starts so simply, each ingredient creating a new effect, just like poetry.” By now Mihoshi looked like she was feeling something strange inside her. “First a rush…heat…her heart flutters. You can all see it, yes? She does not understand why. Is it the soda? No. What is it then, what is the reason…?”
“It the PIE!” cried Haruka, “It’s all about the PIE!”
“Ugh, you and your obsession with that movie…” groaned Michiru.
“And soon it does not matter,” continued Havoc’s narrative while Mihoshi began to pant and moan, “Soon the why and the reason are gone and all that matters is the feeling itself. This is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance the truth is…”
Mihoshi was moaning loudly by now.
“…we are completely…”
Mihoshi grabbed the edge of the table with both hands.
“…out…”
Mihoshi tilted her head back.
“…of control.”
BLAM!!! Mihoshi’s head exploded like an egg in a microwave, splattering everyone nearby with bits, pieces, and lots of blond hair ( but not much brain-matter…MYSTERY SOLVED! ). The skateboarding bunny-girl lost her balance, wiped out, and went head-first into the booth where Ranma and Akane were having a quiet evening, spilling the drinks she was carrying all over Ranma and gender-switching him. Akane was not amused and yet another bicker-fest began.
Meanwhile, Havoc, Solarchos, and all of the Fanboys and SporeHunters face-faulted, sweatdropped, and / or browtwitched.
“Uhhh…was that *supposed * to happen?” asked Minnie-May.
“Uhhh…not really,” replied Havoc, sheepishly. Over the radio Morrigan just laughed hysterically.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” The Suburban Senshi were literally rolling on the floor.
“I told you!” cried Haruka, “Nothing can beat the PIE!”
“I got my wish!” squealed Hotaru, “I got it! I got it!”
“And there was much rejoicing,” intoned Rei.bot.
“Kiyone’s gotta be loving this!” cried Tomoe.
The scene switched, showing Happosai as he sprinted happily through the halls of Planet Hentai, grinning like an idiot as he hefted his bag of stealthily-swiped panties. He paused for a moment to take a look at his newly-acquired treasures. He opened the bag…
…and was roughly yanked backwards as Chibiusa thrust a plastic bag over his head and tightened it hard against his throat. She then grabbed Nako-Nako by the neck, stabbed Happosai in the side with Nako’s horn, causing the panty-perv to double over to his side. Chibiusa then began kicking his repeatedly in the head. Three…four…five times. On the sixth kick she let go and let him fall lifelessly to the floor. Then she kicked him a few more times in the head just to be certain.
“Oh yes!” commented Morrigan over the radio, “You’ve inspired me, kid! That was brutal!” Helios, FishEye, Zoicite, and Nyanko rushed up.
“Hey!” began Nyanko, “That’s the bastard that stole my panties back there!” She immediately snatched up Happosai’s bag and started looking through it. With a big, sick grin Helios started helping her.
“Great, first Ataru and now Happosai,” groaned Zoicite, “We’re really starting to stack up corpses around here.” He and FishEye quickly grabbed Happosai and began dragging him towards the nearest door to hide the body.
“Hey, you’re just jealous ‘cause I’m kicking @$$ and taking names!” exclaimed Chibiusa, “You just suck!”
“We’re supposed to be trying to avoid getting caught, you pink-haired moron!” snapped FishEye, “We can’t very well do that if you keep killing every single person we come across!”
“Yeah, what’s next?” said Nyanko as she found her panties and pulled them back on, “If we run into Chibi-Chibi are you gonna hack her, too?”
“Uh, if we run into Chibi-Chibi in here *I’m * going to be freaking out,” replied Helios, “Contrary to what you all think there are some lines even I refuse to cross.”
Just then all hell broke loose. Two of the nearby doors opened almost simultaneously. Out of one doorway emerged a Black Delmo girl. She immediately caught sight of the Spores.
“Oh crap, it’s you b@$tards!” she cried. She immediately turned and started running away. “IT’S THE SPORES! DO IT TO HIM!”
“F%$#!” screamed Helios, “They’re gonna waste another member of Chibiusa’s family!”
“Yeah, what luck!” said Zoicite.
“Not quite,” advised Morrigan over the radio, “I need to rescue at least one of them if you want to make it out of Planet Hentai alive.” NakoNako turned and looked behind her…and facefaulted as she saw the second door open.
Kakyuu, Starcat, and Leudast walked into the hallway.
“Oh f%$#!!” hissed Nyanko.
“It’s them!” called out Leudast.
“The fungus and her cronies!” added Starcat.
“Good!” snarled Kakyuu as she cracked her knuckles in readiness, “Who wants to play soccer with Chibiusa’s severed head?!” Zoicite stepped forward.
“Hey, fungus,” ordered Zoicite, “You, FishEye, and the horses go after that Delmo and stop her from taking out another member of your family. Nyanko and I will slow down these SporeHunters.”
“We will?” asked Nyanko. She sweatdropped when she saw the look of barely-restrained madness in Kakyuu’s eyes. Zoicite smiled, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a pair of ultra-cool shades which he slowly and dramatically put on. While Chibiusa, Helios, FishEye, and NakoNako rushed down the hall after the fleeing Delmo, Zoicite took a step back, held out his arm, and gave a silent “come on” gesture.
“What the f^%# are you doing?” demanded Nyanko.
“Setting himself up for a seriously humiliating defeat hopefully,” said Jedite.
“Oh yeah!” commented Haruka, “Now Zoicite’s going to become the One!”
“The one what?” asked Minako.
“The one who’s going to make himself look like the biggest idiot in the third millennium, probably,” stated Michiru.
“Doesn’t that “She bang” guy from “American Idol” already hold that title?” remarked Hotaru.
There was a loud bang as Starcat leveled her shotgun and blasted Zoicite with a stun round, sending the Dark former-General flying backwards. Nyanko brow-twitched a little.
“Well, who didn’t see that one coming a mile away,” she sighed. Nyanko stared at Kakyuu and growled. “All right, you carrot-topped wimp! Bring it on!” Kakyuu smiled wickedly.
“Oh, it’s already brought!” replied Kakyuu, “I’ve been looking forward to kicking the sh!t out of you, you schmoozing slut!” As Zoicite struggled to his feet, Kakyuu and Nyanko charged. The fight was on.
The scene suddenly cut to black as the DVD player stopped.
“AWWW, F%$#!!!” screamed everyone.
“What the hell happened?!” demanded Michiru, “It was just getting good!” Everyone heard a giggle from the kitchen…and slowly turned to face the source.
Standing near the destroyed remains of the counter was Setsuna herself, with a smile on her face and the remote in her hand.
“So this is how you people spend your weekends,” she remarked, “How curious.”
“Setsuna,” demanded Haruka, “What do you want?” Setsuna smiled mysteriously.
“Strange events are happening in the future that could result in disaster here in the present,” replied Setsuna, cryptically, “Ominous clouds threaten to block the Moon Princesses’ radiance. We are all needed in the present to…” Setsuna was knocked off her feet as Jedite pegged her in the forehead with an empty beer can.
“SHADDUP!!!” he shouted.
“F%$# the Moon Princess!” screamed Michiru, “We’re watching Sporehunt!”
“Yeah, so either hand over that remote control or my foot is going to be mysteriously implanted all the way up your @$$!!” yelled Hotaru. Stunned, Setsuna didn’t have a chance as the Suburban Senshi lunged at her, snatched back the remote, and proceeded to teach her a lesson.
Will another Tsukino family member go down? ( Probably )
Will Nyanko defeat Kakyuu? ( Doubt it )
Will sanity ever return to Tokyo? ( Not a chance! )
Will Starcat ever get to have some cookies?
Find out in the next insanity-packed episode of Sporehunt!